I vented on a couple of forums today, but I thought I might vent again here for the sake of permanency; that one day I would look back on this and shake my head over how silly I was being. Or maybe even how correct I ended up being, who knows??
Anyway, I'm feeling all weird about IVF/TTC at the moment. I just feel like it's never going to work, that even if we manage to have one child, we either won't want to put ourselves through hell again for another, or won't be able to conceive another. So we won't get the family that we want. Then there's another part of me that wonders if we should even have kids. I was driving home from the shops today after buying the groceries, and I was looking forward to getting some chores done at home, and it suddenly occured to me how much less enjoyable and more draining my days are going to be when I'm running around after a baby or child, dealing with all of their assorted crap. So then I'm left thinking "what if we find out we hate being parents, after paying so much and fighting so hard for it? What if we resent the disruption that we will bring to our lives?". It's a horrible thought. And then I feel really guilty about having that thought, because it's completely opposed to everything Alan and I have always wanted and planned towards. And so now I just keep going around in circles.
I hope that my thinking like this is just a phase. Most parents would tell me that being a mum will change me and even though I might wish for peace or solitude sometimes, I would never want to go back to being childless. Logic tells me that of course this is true. But I'm still a little concerned, and quite frankly I reserve the right to be. Most people try for a baby, fall pregnant in under six months, have the baby, get on with their new life. Because IVF patients are pouring our money, time and emotion into simply trying to fall pregnant, it makes sense that we start wondering if it's even bloody worth all the heartache.
Actually, most people don't do that, but they pretend they do. It's okay and completely normal to feel the way that you're worried you'll feel. It's okay to not like it at first. My first week as a mother was the worst of my life. I told Court that I thought we had made a terrible mistake that we couldn't reverse and I wanted things to go back to how they were before. I felt that way for the first 12 weeks or so.
ReplyDeleteDon't think that your feelings should be any different or feel guilty because you are paying a lot of money and spending a lot of time on getting something that you think you want. It is really okay to feel like your world has been turned upside down and to wish it was how it was before.
And the thing is, no one can tell you what it is like until you experience it. I mean, they can tell you, but you don't really understand it until you are a parent. The exhaustion, the frustration and the emotions.
Anyway, this is my experience and everyone is different. You might be the most serene mother from day one: breastfeeding like a champ, with a baby that sleeps 20 hours a day and you can totally disregard anything I've said here, but please know that it is also alright to feel like it is all completely fucked up!
One last thing: don't believe all your friends who post facebook status updates about how amazing and wonderful it is to be a mother all the time - they are most definitely lying about parts of it. They probably also spent the afternoon in their pajamas with their greasy hair, sobbing about how they can't get their child to sleep!
Crikey, sorry for the novel!
ReplyDeleteLol! Thanks for the reality check, much appreciated. I was having a rather off day when I wrote this; I think I'm thinking clearer now. Yesterday I met up with a girl from my Europe tour, and she has a toddler around the same age as Soph I think, and is 20 weeks pg with #2. Anyway, her little boy was having a bad day, apparently recovering from an ear infection. He spent the whole hour or so squirming, crying and screaming, and she could barely eat her lunch, and my only negative thought was how I felt a bit sorry for the people sitting near us. In the past I would have been thinking, "Ugh, so annoying, do I really want to deal with that?" but yesteray I was thinking, "I would give anything to have to deal with that." So that makes me think that I'm definitely ready for this, and preparing myself for the fact that there will be days I'll be wondering what the hell I've done to my life. :)
ReplyDeleteHaha, just read this and all I could think was "I have a whole new respect for parents" and that was after only 24 hours (not even?) of looking after Soph. She did have gastro, so that sucked a bit extra but I got tears in my eyes when she was crying so much for Jane and she felt so rotten.
ReplyDeleteIf need be, I could probably be a parent now, but I was quite exhausted from it!
That being said, my observations are that parenthood is like any all-consuming work. It tires you out, takes time and concentration, you have bad days and good ones.
What Jane said: there is no right or wrong to your feelings about it, in fact it is way more normal/clever to look at both sides of the coin and realise that it isn't wonderful all the time.
Good luck with round two!
Thanks Kately! 6 days til I fly to Perth to start my jabs, yay.
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