New FS = Better outlook

Yes, alright, I've been very slack in updating my blog lately. The truth is that I'm now a member of a private group on facebook that is a spin-off of a parenting forum thread, and the ladies in this group are so friendly and supportive of each other that I feel like it's really the only place I need to talk about IVF stuff. However, my blog is the only place where I can talk about me and me alone, and not have to worry that I'm crapping on too much, so I should make more of an effort to come in here. I forget that this little blog is primarily for me, so that I can look back on it one day and remember every step of this journey, painful or otherwise.

Moving on from my weird, sort-of apology to my future self... Alan and I had our first appointment last week with our new Brisbane fertility specialist whom I selected. I spent pretty much the whole appointment laughing, as this guy is incredibly cheeky and crass and says and does the most unexpected things; for example lots of cracks about "dick size", getting me to... shall we say, assist him in determining the size of Alan's "balls", telling me that he wants to have a look in my "guts" (i.e. a Laparoscopy and Hysteroscopy), and so forth. He also pretty much said that my Perth clinic/FS are crap, and that there is no way they should have been doing Day 1 transfers unless I'd consented to it as an experimental procedure. He is very confident and arrogant, but really gives you the feeling that he knows exactly what he's doing, which is wonderful.

The outcome of the appointment was quite satisfactory. In fact, it was everything that I wanted. I use the term "wanted" loosely, because part of it was, as I mentioned, the fact that he wants to cut me open and shove things in me to make sure that my uterus and ovaries look good, and that there is no sign of endometriosis (and if there is, he will remove it). He said that there's no point carrying on doing cycles until we make 100% sure that I'm capable of falling pregnant; that there's nothing that will stop an embryo from implanting. I was told by my last FS that I could opt to have this procedure if I wanted, but I chose not to because I was keen to get going and had never shown any signs of having any issues. But the new FS is right, I am getting to the stage now where taking chances is too costly, so we will fork out the money for what will hopefully be unnecessary surgery, because at what price peace of mind?

After I've recovered from said Lap & Hyst, we will start thinking about our next cycle. I have my surgery follow-up appointment booked for next Thursday with FS, and straight afterwards I/we (depending on if Alan can get out of work) will have an appointment with the nurse to sign consent forms and talk about the process for the next cycle. Regarding said cycle, here is what we're going to be doing, in point form because it's easier to read:

- Antagonist protocol. I am thrilled to be trying this, as my last two cycles have been Down Reg, and I've always had a gut feeling I should be doing Antag. It will be good to see if my instincts are correct here.

- I will be staying on a 200iu dose of Gonal-F, however I will be triggering with Synarel (a nasal spray). I have never heard of this being done before now.. apparently it's a "latest research" thing, in that if you trigger with Synarel you will not develop OHSS, no matter how many eggs they get from you. I am not looking forward to taking the Synarel, because apparently it's horrid stuff, but if it's a trigger I'm assuming I only have to take it once, not for two or three weeks like when it's used in a down reg. cycle.

- Alan will be a million times more involved this time. On the day of my EPU, he will give a sample of ejaculate at the clinic, as well as undergo TESA (aspiration of the testes). If neither of these processes give us any sperm, he will then have an open biopsy. If there is still nothing there, we will have donor sperm on standby to fertilise my eggs so that we don't "waste" a cycle. The FS said that we will have the option of freezing any embryos we may get from donor sperm so that we can have time to adjust to using donor. Personally, I will still want a transfer stright away, but ultimately that decision will be up to Alan. However, he did say that he'll "have 9 months to get used to the idea" anyway. And as FS so succintly said, "If you're wiping its arse and paying its school fees, guess what? It's your kid." Lol.

- Blastocyst transfer!! My last clinic didn't do these as a general rule, they did 3 Day transfers (blastocyst are 5 Day). Transferring a blastocyst generally gives you a much better chance of success, as by Day 5 they can more accurately assess which embryos are the strongest and better-looking ones to transfer and/or freeze. Plus, there is the theory that if they can survive to that stage in a petrie dish in a lab, then they must be bloody tough little buggers. Because of my age (under 35), my FS will only transfer a single blasty due to the risks associated with twins (he said that IVF twins have massively higher chance of suffering such conditions as cerebal palsy and so forth, which I already knew).

So when we came out of the appointment, I booked my Lap & Hyst, my follow-up appt and info session, and I have also arranged for Alan and I to attend two compulsory counselling sessions that are a legal requirement prior to the use of donor gametes. Unfortunately due to the psychologist being fairly solidly booked, and Alan having work commitments, we probably won't be starting our next cycle until mid-November at the earliest. I managed to get our first session for this Friday morning, just before I go into the hospital for my procedure, but his next available time slot for which Alan is free was 17th Oct, which means we will miss the start of my October cycle. However I'm assuming that the more time I take between my surgery and starting everything the better, as I will have plenty of time to heal and recover. I'm hoping that using donor doesn't get in the way of us starting either, as sometimes you do have to wait for donor stuff to become available... I guess we will find that out when we talk to the nurse next week.

Alan still has massive issues with using donor, but knows absolutely that he will do it as a last resort because he wants kids. Actually, as he corrected me the other day, the problem he has is not with using a donor, but with NOT using him. Counselling will be interesting, as he has told me he will not even think about donor until it's actually a reality; he refuses to even contemplate the possibility that they won't find any usable sperm in him until he is told that is the case. So in reality, he would benefit more from counselling after the fact, not beforehand. I was concerned that with this outlook the psychologist may prevent us from getting on with it, but he reassured me that he knows how to tell counsellors what they want to hear! Great. *eye roll*

I felt really good about everything after this appointment. Very positive and really ready to go again. FS told me this will work, and asked me why it will. I was saying wishy-washy things like, "It'll work because there's no reason it shouldn't". He replied, "Nope, not good enough! I'll tell you why it'll work. Your age." Apparently being only 31, with no known fertility issues myself, he feels pretty confident that I will get pregnant first go at this. So I believed it myself for a couple of days... but as time passes, more and more I am already semi-convincing myself that I still won't be pregnant by the end of the year, and I'll end up this time next year still doggedly doing IVF cycles -- that's if we can even afford it after this one! It's going to cost a lot more with Alan having procedures done too, plus as this is a new clinic I don't know 100% how much the general costs are. A lady from the facebook group goes to the same FS as me, and the prices she told me were comparable with my Perth clinic, however I am still preparing myself for a nasty surprise...

I'll endeavour to come back here soon, probably after our appointments next Thursday once I know some more facts.

Yep, that's what I thought

Confirmed negative blood test today. But I definitely didn't need the confirmation, the phone call was simply a formality.

In more positive news, Alan and I went to the GP and got referrals to our new FS in Brisbane today, AND I was able to book us an initial consult with him on Thursday next week! So we only have to wait less than a week to (hopefully) get the ball rolling again. Better than I could have hoped.

I really want to do one more cycle before the end of the year, starting in October or November. I'm hoping that we can do a cycle with TESE (where they attempt to extract sperm directly from the testes) with donor sperm as back-up in case they don't find anything. I have no idea whether they will have any donor sperm that will be ready to go though... I hear so many differing stories; people who were able to start straight away vs. people who had to wait 18+ months for a donor! I think it just depends on the clinic and what their programs are like.

Anyway, after a mini-meltdown where I was crying all over poor Alan the other night, I am so very ready to move on now. Each day is one step closer to me being able to hold my baby in my arms. :)

Feeling down (so what else is new?)

12 DPO today, and my FRER test this morning was very much negative. I know that I never expected this cycle to work, after what happened two weeks ago, but I guess some part of me must have thought that maybe a miracle could happen, because I am feeling very sad today. My final blood test is in two days, but FRERs should be at least 80% accurate by now, so I know it's all over. Alan is remaining in denial until I get my test results or my period, whichever comes first. He is so very aware that this could have possibly been his last attempt at a biological child of his own, so he wants to hang onto hope as long as possible. :(

All I want to do is start organising the transfer to my chosen clinic in Brisbane, but I can't do that til my final results are recorded at my Perth clinic. I really want to cycle again before the end of the year, but I don't know how possible that's going to be. I guess I'll have to wait and see. Just like every bloody thing in this horrible, painful process.

I so badly want to cry right now but it's only going to make me feel worse, so I will do my best to hold off. I was going to finish this post by saying "sorry for whinging", but I'm not bloody sorry at all. This whole thing is so indescribably f*cked up and unfair, I think I have every right to bitch and moan about it on my own blog. I mean, that's one of the main reasons I started it. Hopefully in many years I can show this to my future children so they can see the pain and heartbreak we went through to have them, and maybe they will appreciate us and/or themselves on a deeper level...

Been slack!

It's funny how last time I went through ICSI I was on here all the time talking about every single bloody little thing that was happening. This time I don't feel the need, as I know the routine and I'm just getting on with it. But then I realised that if I do beat the extremely low odds and have sucess this time, I'll feel guilty for not documenting things, so I thought I'd do a little update today.

So.. had my transfer last Saturday, and then late that afternoon I flew back home to Brisbane, very fortunate in that the previous day Alan had managed to change my flight from its original booking on Tuesday. Since I got home I've been taking it very easy, only leaving the apartment on three occasions (and one of them was just to take the rubbish downstairs!). The third occasion was this morning, as I needed to go to a pathology collection centre for my 7 DPO blood test, which is where they check to make sure my progesterone is high enough to sustain a pregnancy. I won't be able to call for the results until tomorrow, as they have to be processed here then faxed over to Fertility North.

Hope for success is still laughable, but there is a microscopic thread of it I suppose. Today is the day that, if he has miraculously continued to grow and develop, Horatio would be implanting. I woke up this morning with slight jabby feelings in my uterus and ovaries, and when I gently poked at my uterus it felt a tad firm and swollen. But I am on a drug called Progynova which is meant to help increase uterinal lining, so it could be because of that.

Alan and I have both lost a grandparent each in the last week or so. His grandmother in England died very very quickly after being diagnosed with spinal cancer in late August. Then only a week or two later, my own dear Pop finally succumbed to Alzheimer's and Dementia. His funeral is today in NSW, in about 15 minutes actually.. I can't be there as I had my blood test today and I'm meant to be resting as much as possible, but I am thinking of my Nanna and my Mum and everyone in the family.

Even though it's terribly fanciful, I can't help but think that if Horatio does turn into a baby, it would be awfully fitting, as he now has two great-grandparents who need "replacing" on this earth...