Just a short update today to keep my (imaginary?) readers in the loop. I've been taking the DHEA and TestoGel for one month now, and haven't noticed any side effects, good or bad. I was reading a forum thread recently where several women were enthusing over how fantastic they felt taking DHEA, but I certainly haven't noticed any changes. I hope there's a different story going on in my ovaries.
AF arrived yesterday, almost a week late after I ovulated a week late (meaning my endo biopsy had to be pushed back three days... good thing I had a hunch and took that OPK!). I also only had a 12 day luteal phase again, just like in my last IVF cycle, which isn't very good, so I hope this isn't going to be a permanent thing from now on. Anyway, two days ago, FS finally called with my biopsy results, and I was extremely happy to hear that my NK cells are normal, so at least it seems like my uterus is capable of accepting an embryo, even if my eggs are incapable of making one. Very relieved to know that I won't need to go on Prednisone just to be able to fall pregnant! It was nice to be able to tear up the 'script that FS gave me at my biopsy appointment.
So I've now started my FET cycle, which means I have to take Progynova tablets every day, increasing the dose every four days, and then add in Crinone and/or progesterone pessaries after my (hypothetical) transfer on approximately Day 18 of my cycle. My scan to check how far from ovulation I am is on Day 12, which is 2nd April, then my transfer will be scheduled based on the size of my leading follicle. Fingers crossed that I have one!
My biggest concern, as I've said before, is wondering whether I will have a transfer at all. I hope I do... I'd really love to have a valid reason to POAS on our 1st wedding anniversary, even if it ends up being a BFN, because at least then I can have a glass of fancy sparkling when we go out for dinner that night. ;)
Friday, 22 March 2013
Monday, 4 March 2013
New plans and moving on...
I'm feeling a bit more human today, so I thought I'd "celebrate" by updating my depressing blog.
So, at my 4th cycle follow-up appt, FS confirmed that it does indeed look like my eggs are crap. Wonderful, just what we needed; yet another thing to get in the way of us having a child. I went into the appointment armed with a little list of questions/demands, and he very kindly went through them all with me, and actually scribbled out responses to them.
Number one was that I wanted to take three months off stimming, and in the meantime, try an FET cycle with my single little frostie, Sheldrick. There are several reasons for this, but mainly because I don't want to do NOTHING baby-making-related for three months, and also because I don't see the point in doing yet another stim if there's even the slightest possibility that Sheldrick could turn into our baby. And it really is a slight possibility. The embryo is dodgy-as-fuck, and honestly I'm expecting a call the day they thaw it to say, nup, sorry, not viable to transfer. Or even turning up for my transfer only to get the news that it hasn't done anything. But I HAVE to know, either way, and that isn't going to happen if it stays in the freezer.
I also asked if it was worth being tested for NK cells, so I am having an endometrial biopsy this Friday to make sure that's not a potential issue. Not all specialists believe in the role NK cells play in infertility/failed pregnancies, but obviously my FS is open to it if he performs the biopsies. Or he just does it for the extra cash, lol.
Looking ahead, if Sheldrick lets me down (thoroughly expected), I'll start a new stim in two and a half cycles' time. I told FS that this is it, no holds barred this time, I want to throw everything we can at it. And if there is no improvement, then that will be the end of my eggs and we will move on to the even rougher road of trying to enlist an egg donor. I asked him if there was anything I could do at all to improve egg quality, and his response, "Yeah, find a donor." *sigh* Anyway, he has already ordered me to start taking both DHEA and topical testosterone gel, to apparently "prep my ovaries" over the next couple of months. Then, our next cycle will involve Saizen (a growth hormone which has been known to improve egg quality), a whopping 600 unit dose of Gonal-F every day (I've never had more than 200!), and I think he said we'd also use Synarel at the time of trigger to assist with final egg maturation. He's also going to give me LOTS of progesterone support, as I shouldn't have started bleeding as early as I did last cycle. I'm approved for a double transfer again, but yet again it will depend on what kind of embryos we have (and how many) as to whether I choose single or double.
Part of me hopes that this next stim will be our last (at least for a couple of years), ideally because it'll be successful, but also because it's another bust and we have to turn to donor. A donor journey will be difficult, not least because it can take so very long to happen, but to know that I never have to go through another stim cycle would be a big relief in some ways. If there's notable improvement next cycle but no pregnancy, it is going to take a lot of motivation to try again I think. Of course I will do it, I'm not giving up until we have the family we want. But it is getting very hard emotionally and physically.
I have started seeing a fertility acupuncturist, as well as a psychologist. The psychologist is mostly for my hypochondria that's been really bad since December, but of course we will also be dealing with IVF-related stress, anxiety and anger too. I don't know how effective acupuncture will be, but I've reached the point where I'm willing to try bloody anything!
Anyway, for the time being, I've got the endo biopsy in three days, then about a week later when I get AF, I'll start taking Progynova pills in preparation for what will hopefully be a frozen embryo transfer... *please please please thaw and grow, Sheldrick!* Nice to finally be doing an FET, even if my hopes for it are completely through the floor. It's just good to be starting a cycle that does not involve jabbing or egg collection. :)
So, at my 4th cycle follow-up appt, FS confirmed that it does indeed look like my eggs are crap. Wonderful, just what we needed; yet another thing to get in the way of us having a child. I went into the appointment armed with a little list of questions/demands, and he very kindly went through them all with me, and actually scribbled out responses to them.
Number one was that I wanted to take three months off stimming, and in the meantime, try an FET cycle with my single little frostie, Sheldrick. There are several reasons for this, but mainly because I don't want to do NOTHING baby-making-related for three months, and also because I don't see the point in doing yet another stim if there's even the slightest possibility that Sheldrick could turn into our baby. And it really is a slight possibility. The embryo is dodgy-as-fuck, and honestly I'm expecting a call the day they thaw it to say, nup, sorry, not viable to transfer. Or even turning up for my transfer only to get the news that it hasn't done anything. But I HAVE to know, either way, and that isn't going to happen if it stays in the freezer.
I also asked if it was worth being tested for NK cells, so I am having an endometrial biopsy this Friday to make sure that's not a potential issue. Not all specialists believe in the role NK cells play in infertility/failed pregnancies, but obviously my FS is open to it if he performs the biopsies. Or he just does it for the extra cash, lol.
Looking ahead, if Sheldrick lets me down (thoroughly expected), I'll start a new stim in two and a half cycles' time. I told FS that this is it, no holds barred this time, I want to throw everything we can at it. And if there is no improvement, then that will be the end of my eggs and we will move on to the even rougher road of trying to enlist an egg donor. I asked him if there was anything I could do at all to improve egg quality, and his response, "Yeah, find a donor." *sigh* Anyway, he has already ordered me to start taking both DHEA and topical testosterone gel, to apparently "prep my ovaries" over the next couple of months. Then, our next cycle will involve Saizen (a growth hormone which has been known to improve egg quality), a whopping 600 unit dose of Gonal-F every day (I've never had more than 200!), and I think he said we'd also use Synarel at the time of trigger to assist with final egg maturation. He's also going to give me LOTS of progesterone support, as I shouldn't have started bleeding as early as I did last cycle. I'm approved for a double transfer again, but yet again it will depend on what kind of embryos we have (and how many) as to whether I choose single or double.
Part of me hopes that this next stim will be our last (at least for a couple of years), ideally because it'll be successful, but also because it's another bust and we have to turn to donor. A donor journey will be difficult, not least because it can take so very long to happen, but to know that I never have to go through another stim cycle would be a big relief in some ways. If there's notable improvement next cycle but no pregnancy, it is going to take a lot of motivation to try again I think. Of course I will do it, I'm not giving up until we have the family we want. But it is getting very hard emotionally and physically.
I have started seeing a fertility acupuncturist, as well as a psychologist. The psychologist is mostly for my hypochondria that's been really bad since December, but of course we will also be dealing with IVF-related stress, anxiety and anger too. I don't know how effective acupuncture will be, but I've reached the point where I'm willing to try bloody anything!
Anyway, for the time being, I've got the endo biopsy in three days, then about a week later when I get AF, I'll start taking Progynova pills in preparation for what will hopefully be a frozen embryo transfer... *please please please thaw and grow, Sheldrick!* Nice to finally be doing an FET, even if my hopes for it are completely through the floor. It's just good to be starting a cycle that does not involve jabbing or egg collection. :)
Thursday, 14 February 2013
AF at 8dp5dt *sigh*
This won't be long one, because I really don't feel like it right now. On Wednesday night, at only 7dp5dt, I started bleeding very suddenly. It slowed down to spotting overnight, but then came back with a vengeance late yesterday morning. Thus making my IVF cycle only 26 days long. :(
I rang the clinic and asked them if I could do my BT today instead of Monday, so that I could put this cycle behind me, and fortunately they said yes. So I took myself off to the collection centre this morning for yet another completely pointless pregnancy test, and should get the wonderful BFN phone call from the nurse anytime from now.
I'm going to save detailing my current plans for a future blog post, because as I said, I am not in the mood for writing much right now. However I have just increased my dose of CoQ10 from 150mg daily to 450mg, and I've also emailed a fertility acupuncturist to ask if she thinks she might be able to help me. Baby steps, literally.
So, signing off from cycle 4. Hopefully next time I post I'll be feeling a bit more up-beat and have a solid plan in motion.
I rang the clinic and asked them if I could do my BT today instead of Monday, so that I could put this cycle behind me, and fortunately they said yes. So I took myself off to the collection centre this morning for yet another completely pointless pregnancy test, and should get the wonderful BFN phone call from the nurse anytime from now.
I'm going to save detailing my current plans for a future blog post, because as I said, I am not in the mood for writing much right now. However I have just increased my dose of CoQ10 from 150mg daily to 450mg, and I've also emailed a fertility acupuncturist to ask if she thinks she might be able to help me. Baby steps, literally.
So, signing off from cycle 4. Hopefully next time I post I'll be feeling a bit more up-beat and have a solid plan in motion.
Monday, 11 February 2013
Feeling very down.. so what else is new?
I didn't end up hearing from the lab on that Sunday, so I phoned on Monday for an embryo update, and to my delight was called back to find out that both had divided, and were going well at 8 cell and 7 cell. The next day I took my phone with me into every room of the apartment as I did my chores, hoping against hope that I wouldn't hear from them again. I thought I was almost in the clear, but unfortunately mid-afternoon my phone lit up with "Blocked", and I knew that it was bad news.
I was told that neither of my embryos had shown signs of compaction, which they should have definitely by Day 4. They promised to call me the next morning to confirm whether or not I'd have anything to transfer the following afternoon. After sitting around and being depressed for a bit, I then had a sudden thought.. if my transfer was cancelled, could they possibly convert my cycle to a frozen transfer of my little frostie Sheldrick that I had left over from last cycle? I rang them back to ask, and they eventually called me back after talking amongst themselves to say that it would be do-able. I felt a lot better knowing that we had a back-up plan, even though I know that Sheldrick would not be the most reliable of embryos.
Anyway, I got my phone call the next morning, and to my surprise I was told that one of my embies had compacted into a morula overnight. The other embryo had not done anything since Day 3, and was still just 7 cells, so it was a write-off. That afternoon I went and had my fourth emby transferred, Mildred.
I'm no expert, but to me she looked like a better quality morula compared to Ichabod, so I was fairly happy, although disappointed that yet again my eggs had been unable to produce a blastocyst by Day 5. The embryologist did actually say, "This is a good embryo to be transferring", so that was nice to hear.
Anyway, I was fairly positive for the first half of my TWW. I was helped along massively this past weekend by Alan taking me away to Tamborine Mountain for two nights. We stayed in an adorable cottage in a tiny retreat called Witches Falls, and we basically did a whole lot of not much, which was very pleasant. We did see a (man-made) glow-worm cave, and went on a treetop walk in the rainforest, but aside from that it was just eating and relaxing, and a little bit of driving. I barely thought at all about Mildred, and when I did it was pretty fleeting. I was so proud of myself for keeping the "chilled out" attitude that I was trying to sustain this cycle.
However from when we got home on Sunday, I turned back into my typical psycho TWW self. From the moment we walked through the door, I was wanting to use the three HPTs that I had sitting in the bathroom, even though I knew it was far too early. I was proud of myself for holding off, but then I proceeded to use all three during the day yesterday (Monday). *sigh* This was partially due to the fact that throughout Sunday night I'd woken up from FOUR separate and extremely vivid dreams that I'd gotten positive tests, so I was all keen to try and make my dreams a reality. Anyway, the second test I did yesterday looked like it had a squinter of a line on it, and I got really excited, but eventually, after much scrutiny, I came to the conclusion that it was just a ghost line from leftover trigger, as usual. The third test a few hours later was a BFN, and so confirmed this. Even though I knew it was too early to get a reliable result, I was still very sad and gloomy yesterday afternoon, and started researching ways to improve eggs, as well as the possible options of donor eggs and embryos.
This morning I POAS at 3am when I woke up needing to go, knowing this time that I would definitely be seeing a BFN, unlike the previous morning when I was high on my dreams. I'm just not feeling it anymore, despite feeling quite positive late last week and over the weekend. Even Alan is sad this time; I think he too is beginning to realise that things are not looking good for us. I took another test about 8.5 hours after the 3am one today, as I'd been trying to bolster my spirits by reading peoples' success stories where they'd gotten a BFP later in the day on 6dp5dt, but of course mine was still negative. Then I realised that I'd already used two out of the three new tests I'd bought while doing the grocery shopping yesterday afternoon, so it looks like I'll have to buy some more yet again tomorrow. I have pretty much given up on this cycle, but I need to test at least once a day between now and my blood test next Monday, just so I KNOW for sure what the outcome will be. It seems like the most common day for getting a BFP is 7dp5dt, which is tomorrow, so if I don't see a hint of a line tomorrow then I can fairly conclusively say that I am out. Yet again.
My follow-up is booked for Wednesday next week. I am interested to hear what FS has to say, now that we have "proof" that my eggs are shit. We can really only afford the upfront costs of one more cycle in the foreseeable future, so our next stim we have to throw at it everything we possibly can. And if it's still a crap result, with no notable improvement, then I think that'll be it for my eggs, and we will have to try and find ourselves an egg donor, or even an embryo donor (but those are much rarer and harder to find).
I'm so scared that we will not get the family we so desire. I have been trying to think of all the things that would be great if we never end up having kids, but all I can truly see is a big, gaping vacancy in our lives. One day I could probably be happy, although I think it would take years. I've been wanting to be a mum for nearly 14 years now, and the universe somehow thinks it's funny to make it the hardest thing ever for me to achieve. Well f*ck you, universe, I've had enough of this.
I'm going to feel totes ridiculous if I somehow end up getting a miracle baby from this cycle. I think it's so very unlikely though, that right now the above rant is perfectly justifiable!
I was told that neither of my embryos had shown signs of compaction, which they should have definitely by Day 4. They promised to call me the next morning to confirm whether or not I'd have anything to transfer the following afternoon. After sitting around and being depressed for a bit, I then had a sudden thought.. if my transfer was cancelled, could they possibly convert my cycle to a frozen transfer of my little frostie Sheldrick that I had left over from last cycle? I rang them back to ask, and they eventually called me back after talking amongst themselves to say that it would be do-able. I felt a lot better knowing that we had a back-up plan, even though I know that Sheldrick would not be the most reliable of embryos.
Anyway, I got my phone call the next morning, and to my surprise I was told that one of my embies had compacted into a morula overnight. The other embryo had not done anything since Day 3, and was still just 7 cells, so it was a write-off. That afternoon I went and had my fourth emby transferred, Mildred.
I'm no expert, but to me she looked like a better quality morula compared to Ichabod, so I was fairly happy, although disappointed that yet again my eggs had been unable to produce a blastocyst by Day 5. The embryologist did actually say, "This is a good embryo to be transferring", so that was nice to hear.
Anyway, I was fairly positive for the first half of my TWW. I was helped along massively this past weekend by Alan taking me away to Tamborine Mountain for two nights. We stayed in an adorable cottage in a tiny retreat called Witches Falls, and we basically did a whole lot of not much, which was very pleasant. We did see a (man-made) glow-worm cave, and went on a treetop walk in the rainforest, but aside from that it was just eating and relaxing, and a little bit of driving. I barely thought at all about Mildred, and when I did it was pretty fleeting. I was so proud of myself for keeping the "chilled out" attitude that I was trying to sustain this cycle.
However from when we got home on Sunday, I turned back into my typical psycho TWW self. From the moment we walked through the door, I was wanting to use the three HPTs that I had sitting in the bathroom, even though I knew it was far too early. I was proud of myself for holding off, but then I proceeded to use all three during the day yesterday (Monday). *sigh* This was partially due to the fact that throughout Sunday night I'd woken up from FOUR separate and extremely vivid dreams that I'd gotten positive tests, so I was all keen to try and make my dreams a reality. Anyway, the second test I did yesterday looked like it had a squinter of a line on it, and I got really excited, but eventually, after much scrutiny, I came to the conclusion that it was just a ghost line from leftover trigger, as usual. The third test a few hours later was a BFN, and so confirmed this. Even though I knew it was too early to get a reliable result, I was still very sad and gloomy yesterday afternoon, and started researching ways to improve eggs, as well as the possible options of donor eggs and embryos.
This morning I POAS at 3am when I woke up needing to go, knowing this time that I would definitely be seeing a BFN, unlike the previous morning when I was high on my dreams. I'm just not feeling it anymore, despite feeling quite positive late last week and over the weekend. Even Alan is sad this time; I think he too is beginning to realise that things are not looking good for us. I took another test about 8.5 hours after the 3am one today, as I'd been trying to bolster my spirits by reading peoples' success stories where they'd gotten a BFP later in the day on 6dp5dt, but of course mine was still negative. Then I realised that I'd already used two out of the three new tests I'd bought while doing the grocery shopping yesterday afternoon, so it looks like I'll have to buy some more yet again tomorrow. I have pretty much given up on this cycle, but I need to test at least once a day between now and my blood test next Monday, just so I KNOW for sure what the outcome will be. It seems like the most common day for getting a BFP is 7dp5dt, which is tomorrow, so if I don't see a hint of a line tomorrow then I can fairly conclusively say that I am out. Yet again.
My follow-up is booked for Wednesday next week. I am interested to hear what FS has to say, now that we have "proof" that my eggs are shit. We can really only afford the upfront costs of one more cycle in the foreseeable future, so our next stim we have to throw at it everything we possibly can. And if it's still a crap result, with no notable improvement, then I think that'll be it for my eggs, and we will have to try and find ourselves an egg donor, or even an embryo donor (but those are much rarer and harder to find).
I'm so scared that we will not get the family we so desire. I have been trying to think of all the things that would be great if we never end up having kids, but all I can truly see is a big, gaping vacancy in our lives. One day I could probably be happy, although I think it would take years. I've been wanting to be a mum for nearly 14 years now, and the universe somehow thinks it's funny to make it the hardest thing ever for me to achieve. Well f*ck you, universe, I've had enough of this.
I'm going to feel totes ridiculous if I somehow end up getting a miracle baby from this cycle. I think it's so very unlikely though, that right now the above rant is perfectly justifiable!
Friday, 1 February 2013
Meh... disappointment again
Just a quick update, cause I'm very very over this process right now. I was a little disappointed after EPU yesterday to find out we only had 7 eggs. I spent all last night trying to imagine my phone call today, with them telling me good or bad news, and trying to think of the numbers they'd say... e.g. 6 mature, 5 fertilised; 3 mature, none fertilised; all mature, 1 fertilised; and so forth.
The reality? 6 mature (yay!).... and 2 fertilised. Again. Again with only two fricking fertilised. Apparently there were also another 2 that "showed signs of partial fertilisation", but they are not expecting them to progress (however they will continue observing them until that's a sure thing).
So that pretty much cements the fact that there's something wrong with my eggs. I've been having visions all day of Alan and I giving up in a year or two, and putting a desperate plea out for donor embryos, or donor eggs that we can use with bloody donor sperm. Or moving to another country to adopt. I know logically we're a long way off that just yet, and logically I know that one of these two zygotes could pull through for us. But I can't help but think of the worst case scenario, cause that's just me!
This whole thing is so unfair. We just want a child dammit, why should it be so difficult???
I will probably call the lab for an update on Monday, if I haven't had a 'bad news' phone call from them before then. Until then, I shall try to ignore the fact that in a month and a half I will probably once again be sticking needles into my belly, and wondering if this will ever be worth it...
The reality? 6 mature (yay!).... and 2 fertilised. Again. Again with only two fricking fertilised. Apparently there were also another 2 that "showed signs of partial fertilisation", but they are not expecting them to progress (however they will continue observing them until that's a sure thing).
So that pretty much cements the fact that there's something wrong with my eggs. I've been having visions all day of Alan and I giving up in a year or two, and putting a desperate plea out for donor embryos, or donor eggs that we can use with bloody donor sperm. Or moving to another country to adopt. I know logically we're a long way off that just yet, and logically I know that one of these two zygotes could pull through for us. But I can't help but think of the worst case scenario, cause that's just me!
This whole thing is so unfair. We just want a child dammit, why should it be so difficult???
I will probably call the lab for an update on Monday, if I haven't had a 'bad news' phone call from them before then. Until then, I shall try to ignore the fact that in a month and a half I will probably once again be sticking needles into my belly, and wondering if this will ever be worth it...
Wednesday, 30 January 2013
Post-scan update
I had my first (and for this cycle, only! woo hoo!) scan yesterday morning. Things are looking about the same as last time; 7 follicles on the right ovary, 4 on the left, so 11-ish in total. However last time I was expecting around 10 eggs with a decent maturity rate, and ended up quite disappointed, so this time I've lowered my expectations dramatically. As long as I get at least 5 mature again I'll be fairly happy. However I should remember that I've known several women to get pregnant on cycles where they only had 3 or 4 eggs, so numbers don't necessarily mean much in the long run. FS also told me that I have a "beautiful" triple-stripe lining (which is meant to mean the lining is good quality), so that's something.
Have to do my trigger injection in exactly two hours. Funnily enough, this will be the first cycle so far that I won't be peeing on a stick the morning after trigger just to see those two lines. I think my extremely early chemical from last cycle has kind of dampened my spirits when it comes to HPTs. In fact, I was thinking about maybe challenging myself this time to stay away from them as long as I can bear to, like until 12DPO or something. Maybe I should make it 13DPO, as that's Valentine's Day and it would be really nice to get my first proper BFP that day (if it's another negative, meh, it's not like I haven't had them before). I know that I probably wouldn't be able to hold out that long, but I might at least give it a go.
This is assuming that I even get to transfer of course. I vowed to myself that I would never take the embryo transfer for granted as a guaranteed part of each cycle, and I'm still not. Part of me is definitely expecting a call on Saturday to say none fertilised.
On another topic, I've been all hypochondriac-y yet again this week, worrying about the lumps in my lower back that I found three weeks ago, and two possibly-enlarged neck lymph nodes that I noticed last weekend. I finally cracked and went to the GP today, who told me the lumps are also probably lymph nodes, which freaked me out as they're quite large/palpable. He said I'm most likely fine, but ordered a full blood count just to make sure, so I'm going to be spending the next few days desperately willing my phone to not ring...
Have to do my trigger injection in exactly two hours. Funnily enough, this will be the first cycle so far that I won't be peeing on a stick the morning after trigger just to see those two lines. I think my extremely early chemical from last cycle has kind of dampened my spirits when it comes to HPTs. In fact, I was thinking about maybe challenging myself this time to stay away from them as long as I can bear to, like until 12DPO or something. Maybe I should make it 13DPO, as that's Valentine's Day and it would be really nice to get my first proper BFP that day (if it's another negative, meh, it's not like I haven't had them before). I know that I probably wouldn't be able to hold out that long, but I might at least give it a go.
This is assuming that I even get to transfer of course. I vowed to myself that I would never take the embryo transfer for granted as a guaranteed part of each cycle, and I'm still not. Part of me is definitely expecting a call on Saturday to say none fertilised.
On another topic, I've been all hypochondriac-y yet again this week, worrying about the lumps in my lower back that I found three weeks ago, and two possibly-enlarged neck lymph nodes that I noticed last weekend. I finally cracked and went to the GP today, who told me the lumps are also probably lymph nodes, which freaked me out as they're quite large/palpable. He said I'm most likely fine, but ordered a full blood count just to make sure, so I'm going to be spending the next few days desperately willing my phone to not ring...
Saturday, 19 January 2013
Right then, number 4...
My symptoms that had me worried for weeks only improved somewhat after my colonoscopy, so this week my GP managed to squeeze me in at a gastroenterologist for an appointment prior to starting my IVF cycle. He was wonderful, and really put my worries at ease. He has instructed me to have tests for coeliacs, thyroid issues and intestinal inflammation, but if all of these come back clear, he is happy to chalk it up to IBS, and told me I can get back to concentrating on making babies.
CD 1 was yesterday. My period was trying so hard to start the day before that, but it wasn't quite convincing enough, so I waited until yesterday to start counting. Tomorrow (CD 3) is Monday, so I will be calling the clinic to report in, and then jabbing my single Elonva injection. Orgalutran will commence next Saturday on CD 8, then I'd say my first scan will be Tues 29th Jan, as Monday is the Australia Day public holiday. Then I will most likely be "topping up" with Gonal-F jabs for at least a couple of days, and I anticipate EPU will be either 1st or 4th Feb.
I know that I said I wouldn't let myself think ahead this time, or dwell on all the wonderful possibilities this cycle may or may not promise. However, I really wanted to check the timing of two upcoming events if I was to fall pregnant this time... firstly, Valentine's Day will be around the time I could expect to get a positive pregnancy test. What a wonderful thing it would be if I could present my husband with two little pink lines that morning. Also, if we were to end up with a viable pregnancy, the all-important 12 week mark would end up pretty much coinciding with our first wedding anniversary.
BUT...
This of course all means NOTHING. And I am all too aware of that. Usually I would have already looked up my hypothetical due date, but I'm not going to fall for any of that nonsense this time. Going through the motions, that's me. I went to the pathology on Friday for my coeliac and thyroid bloods, and I was chatting to the phlebotomist about how we're starting IVF #4 this week. I was telling her about my new "IVF? Meh.." attitude, and she said she completely understood. Still, as I was leaving I told her I'd be back in four weeks or so for yet another pregnancy test... hopefully with a smile on my face this time. I don't truly believe that though, I am expecting to have yet another frustrating, "Yes, I'm having a bHCG test, but it's going to be negative AGAIN" exchange with her that morning! *sigh*
We chose a different donor this week as per our plans, so maybe that might make things more promising. We ended up choosing my number one selection from last time, who Alan "demoted" to number two when he had the final say. When we found out about only two eggs fertilising, Alan said to me through my tears, "Maybe we should have gone with the other guy." So this time, although we had three donors in contention, he made the final decision to try this one out, so then at least we'll know and not be left wondering yet again whether we should have selected him, if you know what I mean.
On another topic, my consent forms we signed last week reminded me that we are down for a double embryo transfer this time. I'd actually forgotten over the past couple of months, and I STILL don't know how I feel about it. There are so many sides to the argument. It increases your chances of falling pregnant slightly, but also increases your chances of having twins by 50% if you do get pregnant. Having twins in itself increases your chances of miscarriage, pregnancy complications, pre-eclampsia, something being physically wrong with one or both of the babies, etc. etc. However, last cycle we only had two embryos make it, and even though the one we didn't transfer wasn't expected to survive, it did and was frozen the next day. So I can't help but wonder what would have happened if we'd transferred both... obviously we know Ichabod wouldn't have made it, but what about Sheldrick (our frostie)? Glenn said that he doesn't have high hopes for using it in an FET cycle, but if we'd put it straight back in fresh, I wonder if maybe it could have possibly been a baby?
So at this point in time I'm thinking about waiting and seeing what our embryos are like on Day 5, assuming we have any of course. I'm hoping that the lab and/or Glenn will then allow me to decide how many to transfer based on what they look like. If we have one that's textbook perfect, I'd be more inclined to ask for a single transfer. However if they are low-grade or still only morulae like Ichabod was last time, then we can throw two back in and see what happens. I need to speak to someone at the clinic to ask if this could be an option.
There is naturally a small part of me, namely the stupid, naïve little girl, who really wants twins because of the whole "squee" factor, and the possibility that if we ended up with two healthy bubs we might never have to do IVF again, so long as we decide we are content with two children (which incidentally currently feels like a pipe-dream!). This persistent voice in my head is telling me that maybe we should try a double transfer just this once, and if we do end up with twins then that is what the universe intended for us, along with any tragic or negative experiences associated with a twin pregnancy.
It's a really hard decision, especially when you know it's more than likely that one or neither of the embryos could implant anyway...
CD 1 was yesterday. My period was trying so hard to start the day before that, but it wasn't quite convincing enough, so I waited until yesterday to start counting. Tomorrow (CD 3) is Monday, so I will be calling the clinic to report in, and then jabbing my single Elonva injection. Orgalutran will commence next Saturday on CD 8, then I'd say my first scan will be Tues 29th Jan, as Monday is the Australia Day public holiday. Then I will most likely be "topping up" with Gonal-F jabs for at least a couple of days, and I anticipate EPU will be either 1st or 4th Feb.
I know that I said I wouldn't let myself think ahead this time, or dwell on all the wonderful possibilities this cycle may or may not promise. However, I really wanted to check the timing of two upcoming events if I was to fall pregnant this time... firstly, Valentine's Day will be around the time I could expect to get a positive pregnancy test. What a wonderful thing it would be if I could present my husband with two little pink lines that morning. Also, if we were to end up with a viable pregnancy, the all-important 12 week mark would end up pretty much coinciding with our first wedding anniversary.
BUT...
This of course all means NOTHING. And I am all too aware of that. Usually I would have already looked up my hypothetical due date, but I'm not going to fall for any of that nonsense this time. Going through the motions, that's me. I went to the pathology on Friday for my coeliac and thyroid bloods, and I was chatting to the phlebotomist about how we're starting IVF #4 this week. I was telling her about my new "IVF? Meh.." attitude, and she said she completely understood. Still, as I was leaving I told her I'd be back in four weeks or so for yet another pregnancy test... hopefully with a smile on my face this time. I don't truly believe that though, I am expecting to have yet another frustrating, "Yes, I'm having a bHCG test, but it's going to be negative AGAIN" exchange with her that morning! *sigh*
We chose a different donor this week as per our plans, so maybe that might make things more promising. We ended up choosing my number one selection from last time, who Alan "demoted" to number two when he had the final say. When we found out about only two eggs fertilising, Alan said to me through my tears, "Maybe we should have gone with the other guy." So this time, although we had three donors in contention, he made the final decision to try this one out, so then at least we'll know and not be left wondering yet again whether we should have selected him, if you know what I mean.
On another topic, my consent forms we signed last week reminded me that we are down for a double embryo transfer this time. I'd actually forgotten over the past couple of months, and I STILL don't know how I feel about it. There are so many sides to the argument. It increases your chances of falling pregnant slightly, but also increases your chances of having twins by 50% if you do get pregnant. Having twins in itself increases your chances of miscarriage, pregnancy complications, pre-eclampsia, something being physically wrong with one or both of the babies, etc. etc. However, last cycle we only had two embryos make it, and even though the one we didn't transfer wasn't expected to survive, it did and was frozen the next day. So I can't help but wonder what would have happened if we'd transferred both... obviously we know Ichabod wouldn't have made it, but what about Sheldrick (our frostie)? Glenn said that he doesn't have high hopes for using it in an FET cycle, but if we'd put it straight back in fresh, I wonder if maybe it could have possibly been a baby?
So at this point in time I'm thinking about waiting and seeing what our embryos are like on Day 5, assuming we have any of course. I'm hoping that the lab and/or Glenn will then allow me to decide how many to transfer based on what they look like. If we have one that's textbook perfect, I'd be more inclined to ask for a single transfer. However if they are low-grade or still only morulae like Ichabod was last time, then we can throw two back in and see what happens. I need to speak to someone at the clinic to ask if this could be an option.
There is naturally a small part of me, namely the stupid, naïve little girl, who really wants twins because of the whole "squee" factor, and the possibility that if we ended up with two healthy bubs we might never have to do IVF again, so long as we decide we are content with two children (which incidentally currently feels like a pipe-dream!). This persistent voice in my head is telling me that maybe we should try a double transfer just this once, and if we do end up with twins then that is what the universe intended for us, along with any tragic or negative experiences associated with a twin pregnancy.
It's a really hard decision, especially when you know it's more than likely that one or neither of the embryos could implant anyway...
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