Bye-bye Ichabod

I've had a rollercoaster last few days. After my transfer I tested out the Ovidrel trigger, and soon enough was getting tests that were almost negative. Then, late on Saturday morning (10 DPO or 5dp5dt) after we got home from doing the shopping, I went and did another test because there had still been an incredibly faint line on the one I'd done at 3:30am that morning. I was very surprised and pleased when a line came up again; it was still incredibly faint but definitely darker than the early morning test. Because I'm obsessed, I did another two tests that day, one at 3:30pm and one at 8:20pm. The line wasn't getting darker, but was about the same. I couldn't wait to test again Sunday morning.

Sunday I was up at 5:30am to POAS yet again, and my heart was thumping and my hands started shaking when I could see a line straight away, still very very faint, but I was sure it was darker than the one I'd gotten at 11:30am the day before. I shared a photo of it on my facebook support group; it was barely visible in the picture, but definitely there, and the consensus was that it looked like a very early BFP. I was so excited. It was amazing being able to say to Alan, "I think I'm pregnant" and actually mean it for the first time ever.

However, when I finally compared the two tests (11:30am 10 DPO, and 5:30am 11 DPO) in daylight later on, they didn't look much different, and I started getting concerned that it was either a chemical pregnancy, or possibly even ectopic, as a couple of days before I'd been woken in the middle of the night by a very sharp pain near my right ovary. My fears inflated when I tested again at 9:30am, four hours after the morning test, and it was almost a complete negative. I decided to try and forget about it until the next morning, and I kept patting my belly and thinking encouraging thoughts hoping Ichabod would get the message.

But it wasn't to be. Yesterday morning I tested yet again; shaking hands and pounding heart, from nerves this time instead of excitement. Willing that line to be darker. Nope, it was lighter. Poor Ichabod was just not strong enough to turn into a baby. My test this morning was a ghost line, even lighter still. I have one test left so will use it tomorrow morning, purely for closure than anything else.

Now comes my least favourite part of the cycle; having to continue taking the progesterone right up until my blood test, even though I know there is no point at all. I probably could stop taking it actually, because my blood request form only asks them to test for hcg, not progesterone, so the clinic will be none the wiser. It's just so depressing continuing the meds when you're not pregnant.

Anyway, I'm completely crushed, for three main reasons:

- Having to wait three or so months before we can afford to do another cycle, so basically a whole quarter to a third of a year where I can't do anything about TTC.

- Having to actually spend another huge amount of money on another cycle. We will have to use Alan's Christmas bonus, which we were hoping to use for a holiday or the myriad of other things that we need/want.

- Not knowing why we had such a bad result from a donor sperm cycle, and worrying that the exact some thing will happen again next time. The only logical conclusion is that my eggs are actually crap, because low fertilisation rates are usually caused by the egg. Unfortunately there's no way to test for egg quality, and there's not much I can do about it either, apart from taking supplements like CoQ10 and royal jelly, and hoping for the best.

I hate this uncertainty. I keep having visions of us having to look for an egg donor too, which is excessively difficult at the best of times, unless you have a very charitable sister or something. I know that I'm leaping wayyy ahead of myself here, but really, what do you expect? Three ICSI cycles and NOTHING to show for it, except for a chemical pregnancy that ended so early it won't even show up on my blood test on Friday.

The whole concept of a baby (or even a pregnancy) is feeling so very out of reach right now. We want two kids as well, and it's this massive struggle just to get one!!

Yesterday I wallowed in grief all day and did nothing, but today I picked myself back up out of my metaphorical pile of filth, and did all the housework and washing that I should have done yesterday (still got more washing, ironing, and bin emptying to do). Tonight I'm going out for dinner with a handful of the ladies from my facebook group, so it will be nice to finally meet them in person, plus do something social for the first time in months. I have plans to get back into running now, as well as learning to use my sewing machine (thanks again cous for the goodies you sent! xx). I will start taking supplements for improving egg quality, as they supposedly take about three or so months to take effect anyway, and hopefully it'll help next cycle. In the first week of December I've got six Living End gigs to look forward to, and now I won't have to worry that I won't be well enough, or whether it's bad for the baby. I could perhaps think about doing pole dancing classes too, and Alan and I have also talked about trying to find an archery club, as that is something that interests us both.

The next three or so months will be all about trying to relax and focus on other things, which will be a big challenge for me. But in the long run it will the best thing for Alan and I, and for my physical and emotional wellbeing.

And maybe that will be what gives us success next time.