My symptoms that had me worried for weeks only improved somewhat after my colonoscopy, so this week my GP managed to squeeze me in at a gastroenterologist for an appointment prior to starting my IVF cycle. He was wonderful, and really put my worries at ease. He has instructed me to have tests for coeliacs, thyroid issues and intestinal inflammation, but if all of these come back clear, he is happy to chalk it up to IBS, and told me I can get back to concentrating on making babies.
CD 1 was yesterday. My period was trying so hard to start the day before that, but it wasn't quite convincing enough, so I waited until yesterday to start counting. Tomorrow (CD 3) is Monday, so I will be calling the clinic to report in, and then jabbing my single Elonva injection. Orgalutran will commence next Saturday on CD 8, then I'd say my first scan will be Tues 29th Jan, as Monday is the Australia Day public holiday. Then I will most likely be "topping up" with Gonal-F jabs for at least a couple of days, and I anticipate EPU will be either 1st or 4th Feb.
I know that I said I wouldn't let myself think ahead this time, or dwell on all the wonderful possibilities this cycle may or may not promise. However, I really wanted to check the timing of two upcoming events if I was to fall pregnant this time... firstly, Valentine's Day will be around the time I could expect to get a positive pregnancy test. What a wonderful thing it would be if I could present my husband with two little pink lines that morning. Also, if we were to end up with a viable pregnancy, the all-important 12 week mark would end up pretty much coinciding with our first wedding anniversary.
BUT...
This of course all means NOTHING. And I am all too aware of that. Usually I would have already looked up my hypothetical due date, but I'm not going to fall for any of that nonsense this time. Going through the motions, that's me. I went to the pathology on Friday for my coeliac and thyroid bloods, and I was chatting to the phlebotomist about how we're starting IVF #4 this week. I was telling her about my new "IVF? Meh.." attitude, and she said she completely understood. Still, as I was leaving I told her I'd be back in four weeks or so for yet another pregnancy test... hopefully with a smile on my face this time. I don't truly believe that though, I am expecting to have yet another frustrating, "Yes, I'm having a bHCG test, but it's going to be negative AGAIN" exchange with her that morning! *sigh*
We chose a different donor this week as per our plans, so maybe that might make things more promising. We ended up choosing my number one selection from last time, who Alan "demoted" to number two when he had the final say. When we found out about only two eggs fertilising, Alan said to me through my tears, "Maybe we should have gone with the other guy." So this time, although we had three donors in contention, he made the final decision to try this one out, so then at least we'll know and not be left wondering yet again whether we should have selected him, if you know what I mean.
On another topic, my consent forms we signed last week reminded me that we are down for a double embryo transfer this time. I'd actually forgotten over the past couple of months, and I STILL don't know how I feel about it. There are so many sides to the argument. It increases your chances of falling pregnant slightly, but also increases your chances of having twins by 50% if you do get pregnant. Having twins in itself increases your chances of miscarriage, pregnancy complications, pre-eclampsia, something being physically wrong with one or both of the babies, etc. etc. However, last cycle we only had two embryos make it, and even though the one we didn't transfer wasn't expected to survive, it did and was frozen the next day. So I can't help but wonder what would have happened if we'd transferred both... obviously we know Ichabod wouldn't have made it, but what about Sheldrick (our frostie)? Glenn said that he doesn't have high hopes for using it in an FET cycle, but if we'd put it straight back in fresh, I wonder if maybe it could have possibly been a baby?
So at this point in time I'm thinking about waiting and seeing what our embryos are like on Day 5, assuming we have any of course. I'm hoping that the lab and/or Glenn will then allow me to decide how many to transfer based on what they look like. If we have one that's textbook perfect, I'd be more inclined to ask for a single transfer. However if they are low-grade or still only morulae like Ichabod was last time, then we can throw two back in and see what happens. I need to speak to someone at the clinic to ask if this could be an option.
There is naturally a small part of me, namely the stupid, naïve little girl, who really wants twins because of the whole "squee" factor, and the possibility that if we ended up with two healthy bubs we might never have to do IVF again, so long as we decide we are content with two children (which incidentally currently feels like a pipe-dream!). This persistent voice in my head is telling me that maybe we should try a double transfer just this once, and if we do end up with twins then that is what the universe intended for us, along with any tragic or negative experiences associated with a twin pregnancy.
It's a really hard decision, especially when you know it's more than likely that one or neither of the embryos could implant anyway...
Saturday, 19 January 2013
Tuesday, 8 January 2013
Back on the train
After an horrific health scare that has plagued me for about a month now, culminating in a colonoscopy this morning that miraculously came back clear, I am incredibly happy and relieved to say that ICSI #4 is now a go. I have no idea what was causing my rather frightening symptoms over the last few weeks, but the absence of any polyps or inflammation in my colorectal region suggests that, hopefully, the 2 litres of nasty prep drink that I had to swill last night cleared up whatever was causing the blockage. Hopefully. I will have to wait and see to make sure my issues are definitely resolved.
Anyway, I felt confident enough to call up the fertility clinic today to book an appointment next week for collecting my drugs and signing the consent forms. I also mentioned the donor sperm thing, so she organised for us to come and collect the profiles this afternoon so we can choose one before next week, and we just got home from doing this. It looks like the donor profiles are all the same guys as last time, which Alan's not too happy about since he wasn't really a fan of any of them. But we'll just have to make do with what's available.
Also, until mid-Feb, the clinic are massively reducing their rates for all patients to make up for the fact that we won't have yet met the Medicare safety net for the calendar year, so our upfront cycle fee is about $3000 less than it would normally be. For financial reasons alone it would be fabulous to get our baby from this cycle!
So I'm getting my drugs on Tuesday, period is due anytime from mid-late next week, and then it'll be back to the same old same old. I'm definitely sticking to my resolution of being a lot more blasé, or perhaps neutral is a better word, towards this cycle. Especially after the health scare; it really made me re-evaluate life's priorities, and I realise now more than ever that there are more important things in life then how much time or money it's going to take to get me pregnant.
I just hope I can remember these words if I get a negative result come mid-February. But that's why I write this blog, to immortalise my thoughts and feelings.
Anyway, I felt confident enough to call up the fertility clinic today to book an appointment next week for collecting my drugs and signing the consent forms. I also mentioned the donor sperm thing, so she organised for us to come and collect the profiles this afternoon so we can choose one before next week, and we just got home from doing this. It looks like the donor profiles are all the same guys as last time, which Alan's not too happy about since he wasn't really a fan of any of them. But we'll just have to make do with what's available.
Also, until mid-Feb, the clinic are massively reducing their rates for all patients to make up for the fact that we won't have yet met the Medicare safety net for the calendar year, so our upfront cycle fee is about $3000 less than it would normally be. For financial reasons alone it would be fabulous to get our baby from this cycle!
So I'm getting my drugs on Tuesday, period is due anytime from mid-late next week, and then it'll be back to the same old same old. I'm definitely sticking to my resolution of being a lot more blasé, or perhaps neutral is a better word, towards this cycle. Especially after the health scare; it really made me re-evaluate life's priorities, and I realise now more than ever that there are more important things in life then how much time or money it's going to take to get me pregnant.
I just hope I can remember these words if I get a negative result come mid-February. But that's why I write this blog, to immortalise my thoughts and feelings.
Monday, 3 December 2012
Waiting for January
We had our follow-up a week ago. Firstly, FS recommended that we leave our frostie Sheldrick in the freezer for now, as its erratic growth pattern in the lab tells him that we wouldn't have terrific chances using it, and we are better off keeping it til when we are trying for baby #2. He said our focus right now is to get me pregnant ASAP, and the best way to do that is with another fresh cycle that will hopefully give us better results. I was pretty much expecting him to say this. It's really amazing though, he gave us copies of the lab sheet, and the embryo in question was actually the one that was four cells on day two, not the two-cell one (which was Ichabod). The growth for Sheldrick was as follows:
Day 1: 2PN (on track)
Day 2: 4 cell (on track)
Day 3: 5 cell (should be 6-8 cell)
Day 4: 8 cell (should be Morula, 12-30 cell and compacted)
Day 5: 12 cell (should be blastocyst)
Day 6: Blastocyst (!!!)
So in 24 hours it went from being a compacting 12 cell to a blastocyst... very very weird, and yes, probably doesn't bode well for its chances of becoming a sticky bub.
FS was reviewing our cycle notes and made a comment about the "shit fertilisation" (his words). He recommended that we choose a different donor next time, which Alan and I had already agreed on anyway. I asked him if it was possible that the problem was with my egg quality. He said that it's highly unlikely; that, although it sounds bad coming from a scientist, sometimes some eggs and sperm just don't like each other. I had this theory myself, but thought it wasn't very scientific, so it was nice to hear it confirmed that this can be the case. I'm still concerned about my eggs though. I've started taking CoQ10 but who knows if it'll help...
Anyway, he wanted us to get started on a new cycle ASAP, but Alan and I were thinking it would be better to take a break, as I said the last time I posted. However, we have decided to go again when I get my period in mid-late January, so it's not a huge enough break that I'm going to get all impatient and stressed out. We'll unfortunately be using Alan's Christmas bonus to pay for the cycle, so fingers crossed it works, to make spending his reward on this worthwhile. Alan asked Glenn what we'd be doing differently this time, as he pretty much refused to go ahead if we were just going to try the same thing again. Glenn agreed. My new protocol is a little different... I'll try and remember what I can:
- The cycle starts with a single injection of Elonva, which is a slow-release follicle stimulating hormone drug. According to what I've been able to find online, it lasts for about seven days, then you have a scan and the FS will then "top you up" for a few days with Gonal-F for the final growth and maturation of follicles. Essentially, this will mean less injections for me, so hooray for that! I think he also said he'll increase the dose of Gonal-F too, but that will depend on what my first scan shows I suppose.
- Instead of Cetrotide, I will be taking Orgalutran as my antagonist this time, which I think is in pre-filled syringes like the Gonal-F, which means it'll be easier to take. Yay!
- I'll still be triggering with Ovidrel, and I'm 99% sure I'll be using Crinone again too, so the tail end of my cycle is staying the same.
A couple of little changes there anyway. Elonva I'd never heard of before, but apparently it is used a fair bit in Europe. I've seen a couple of forum posts from people who used it, saying they got their best egg numbers when on Elonva, so that's encouraging. Hopefully it does the trick for me...
In the meantime, I've got a few things going on to look forward to. Right now I'm halfway through the six Living End Retrospective Tour gigs, which I feel like a loser at by myself, but once the boys come on I lose myself in their awesome musical talent. I'm very sleep-deprived and exhausted this week, but it's only one week so who cares. Alan and I have also booked our tickets for The Hobbit on Boxing Day, so I'm excited about that. Les Mis comes out that day too, so we'll probably see that the same week. And finally, Alan has made a reservation at the Sheraton in Noosa for two nights on the last weekend of his Christmas break (4th and 5th Jan). It's the only 5-star hotel in Noosa and judging by the photos it has a gorgeous resort-y pool area, and is right near the beach and all the best restaurants and such. We've never had a mini-break before, so I'm pleased that we actually got around to organising it. I just realised that I need to get myself some bathers though, I have none!
So by the time all that's over it will only be a couple of weeks before we get the IVF ball rolling again. I decided yesterday that I'm going to go into my next cycle with zero expectations, as the last three I've always had the "ooh, this could be the one!" thoughts, but it's always turned to shit. This time, I want to give being "meh" and mellow a go, and view the whole process as though I'm a detached observer of a science experiment. Easier said than done, but I'm tired of getting excited then getting crushed, so I really need a more laid-back attitude in the future for the sake of self-preservation.
Day 1: 2PN (on track)
Day 2: 4 cell (on track)
Day 3: 5 cell (should be 6-8 cell)
Day 4: 8 cell (should be Morula, 12-30 cell and compacted)
Day 5: 12 cell (should be blastocyst)
Day 6: Blastocyst (!!!)
So in 24 hours it went from being a compacting 12 cell to a blastocyst... very very weird, and yes, probably doesn't bode well for its chances of becoming a sticky bub.
FS was reviewing our cycle notes and made a comment about the "shit fertilisation" (his words). He recommended that we choose a different donor next time, which Alan and I had already agreed on anyway. I asked him if it was possible that the problem was with my egg quality. He said that it's highly unlikely; that, although it sounds bad coming from a scientist, sometimes some eggs and sperm just don't like each other. I had this theory myself, but thought it wasn't very scientific, so it was nice to hear it confirmed that this can be the case. I'm still concerned about my eggs though. I've started taking CoQ10 but who knows if it'll help...
Anyway, he wanted us to get started on a new cycle ASAP, but Alan and I were thinking it would be better to take a break, as I said the last time I posted. However, we have decided to go again when I get my period in mid-late January, so it's not a huge enough break that I'm going to get all impatient and stressed out. We'll unfortunately be using Alan's Christmas bonus to pay for the cycle, so fingers crossed it works, to make spending his reward on this worthwhile. Alan asked Glenn what we'd be doing differently this time, as he pretty much refused to go ahead if we were just going to try the same thing again. Glenn agreed. My new protocol is a little different... I'll try and remember what I can:
- The cycle starts with a single injection of Elonva, which is a slow-release follicle stimulating hormone drug. According to what I've been able to find online, it lasts for about seven days, then you have a scan and the FS will then "top you up" for a few days with Gonal-F for the final growth and maturation of follicles. Essentially, this will mean less injections for me, so hooray for that! I think he also said he'll increase the dose of Gonal-F too, but that will depend on what my first scan shows I suppose.
- Instead of Cetrotide, I will be taking Orgalutran as my antagonist this time, which I think is in pre-filled syringes like the Gonal-F, which means it'll be easier to take. Yay!
- I'll still be triggering with Ovidrel, and I'm 99% sure I'll be using Crinone again too, so the tail end of my cycle is staying the same.
A couple of little changes there anyway. Elonva I'd never heard of before, but apparently it is used a fair bit in Europe. I've seen a couple of forum posts from people who used it, saying they got their best egg numbers when on Elonva, so that's encouraging. Hopefully it does the trick for me...
In the meantime, I've got a few things going on to look forward to. Right now I'm halfway through the six Living End Retrospective Tour gigs, which I feel like a loser at by myself, but once the boys come on I lose myself in their awesome musical talent. I'm very sleep-deprived and exhausted this week, but it's only one week so who cares. Alan and I have also booked our tickets for The Hobbit on Boxing Day, so I'm excited about that. Les Mis comes out that day too, so we'll probably see that the same week. And finally, Alan has made a reservation at the Sheraton in Noosa for two nights on the last weekend of his Christmas break (4th and 5th Jan). It's the only 5-star hotel in Noosa and judging by the photos it has a gorgeous resort-y pool area, and is right near the beach and all the best restaurants and such. We've never had a mini-break before, so I'm pleased that we actually got around to organising it. I just realised that I need to get myself some bathers though, I have none!
So by the time all that's over it will only be a couple of weeks before we get the IVF ball rolling again. I decided yesterday that I'm going to go into my next cycle with zero expectations, as the last three I've always had the "ooh, this could be the one!" thoughts, but it's always turned to shit. This time, I want to give being "meh" and mellow a go, and view the whole process as though I'm a detached observer of a science experiment. Easier said than done, but I'm tired of getting excited then getting crushed, so I really need a more laid-back attitude in the future for the sake of self-preservation.
Monday, 19 November 2012
Bye-bye Ichabod
I've had a rollercoaster last few days. After my transfer I tested out the Ovidrel trigger, and soon enough was getting tests that were almost negative. Then, late on Saturday morning (10 DPO or 5dp5dt) after we got home from doing the shopping, I went and did another test because there had still been an incredibly faint line on the one I'd done at 3:30am that morning. I was very surprised and pleased when a line came up again; it was still incredibly faint but definitely darker than the early morning test. Because I'm obsessed, I did another two tests that day, one at 3:30pm and one at 8:20pm. The line wasn't getting darker, but was about the same. I couldn't wait to test again Sunday morning.
Sunday I was up at 5:30am to POAS yet again, and my heart was thumping and my hands started shaking when I could see a line straight away, still very very faint, but I was sure it was darker than the one I'd gotten at 11:30am the day before. I shared a photo of it on my facebook support group; it was barely visible in the picture, but definitely there, and the consensus was that it looked like a very early BFP. I was so excited. It was amazing being able to say to Alan, "I think I'm pregnant" and actually mean it for the first time ever.
However, when I finally compared the two tests (11:30am 10 DPO, and 5:30am 11 DPO) in daylight later on, they didn't look much different, and I started getting concerned that it was either a chemical pregnancy, or possibly even ectopic, as a couple of days before I'd been woken in the middle of the night by a very sharp pain near my right ovary. My fears inflated when I tested again at 9:30am, four hours after the morning test, and it was almost a complete negative. I decided to try and forget about it until the next morning, and I kept patting my belly and thinking encouraging thoughts hoping Ichabod would get the message.
But it wasn't to be. Yesterday morning I tested yet again; shaking hands and pounding heart, from nerves this time instead of excitement. Willing that line to be darker. Nope, it was lighter. Poor Ichabod was just not strong enough to turn into a baby. My test this morning was a ghost line, even lighter still. I have one test left so will use it tomorrow morning, purely for closure than anything else.
Now comes my least favourite part of the cycle; having to continue taking the progesterone right up until my blood test, even though I know there is no point at all. I probably could stop taking it actually, because my blood request form only asks them to test for hcg, not progesterone, so the clinic will be none the wiser. It's just so depressing continuing the meds when you're not pregnant.
Anyway, I'm completely crushed, for three main reasons:
- Having to wait three or so months before we can afford to do another cycle, so basically a whole quarter to a third of a year where I can't do anything about TTC.
- Having to actually spend another huge amount of money on another cycle. We will have to use Alan's Christmas bonus, which we were hoping to use for a holiday or the myriad of other things that we need/want.
- Not knowing why we had such a bad result from a donor sperm cycle, and worrying that the exact some thing will happen again next time. The only logical conclusion is that my eggs are actually crap, because low fertilisation rates are usually caused by the egg. Unfortunately there's no way to test for egg quality, and there's not much I can do about it either, apart from taking supplements like CoQ10 and royal jelly, and hoping for the best.
I hate this uncertainty. I keep having visions of us having to look for an egg donor too, which is excessively difficult at the best of times, unless you have a very charitable sister or something. I know that I'm leaping wayyy ahead of myself here, but really, what do you expect? Three ICSI cycles and NOTHING to show for it, except for a chemical pregnancy that ended so early it won't even show up on my blood test on Friday.
The whole concept of a baby (or even a pregnancy) is feeling so very out of reach right now. We want two kids as well, and it's this massive struggle just to get one!!
Yesterday I wallowed in grief all day and did nothing, but today I picked myself back up out of my metaphorical pile of filth, and did all the housework and washing that I should have done yesterday (still got more washing, ironing, and bin emptying to do). Tonight I'm going out for dinner with a handful of the ladies from my facebook group, so it will be nice to finally meet them in person, plus do something social for the first time in months. I have plans to get back into running now, as well as learning to use my sewing machine (thanks again cous for the goodies you sent! xx). I will start taking supplements for improving egg quality, as they supposedly take about three or so months to take effect anyway, and hopefully it'll help next cycle. In the first week of December I've got six Living End gigs to look forward to, and now I won't have to worry that I won't be well enough, or whether it's bad for the baby. I could perhaps think about doing pole dancing classes too, and Alan and I have also talked about trying to find an archery club, as that is something that interests us both.
The next three or so months will be all about trying to relax and focus on other things, which will be a big challenge for me. But in the long run it will the best thing for Alan and I, and for my physical and emotional wellbeing.
And maybe that will be what gives us success next time.
Sunday I was up at 5:30am to POAS yet again, and my heart was thumping and my hands started shaking when I could see a line straight away, still very very faint, but I was sure it was darker than the one I'd gotten at 11:30am the day before. I shared a photo of it on my facebook support group; it was barely visible in the picture, but definitely there, and the consensus was that it looked like a very early BFP. I was so excited. It was amazing being able to say to Alan, "I think I'm pregnant" and actually mean it for the first time ever.
However, when I finally compared the two tests (11:30am 10 DPO, and 5:30am 11 DPO) in daylight later on, they didn't look much different, and I started getting concerned that it was either a chemical pregnancy, or possibly even ectopic, as a couple of days before I'd been woken in the middle of the night by a very sharp pain near my right ovary. My fears inflated when I tested again at 9:30am, four hours after the morning test, and it was almost a complete negative. I decided to try and forget about it until the next morning, and I kept patting my belly and thinking encouraging thoughts hoping Ichabod would get the message.
But it wasn't to be. Yesterday morning I tested yet again; shaking hands and pounding heart, from nerves this time instead of excitement. Willing that line to be darker. Nope, it was lighter. Poor Ichabod was just not strong enough to turn into a baby. My test this morning was a ghost line, even lighter still. I have one test left so will use it tomorrow morning, purely for closure than anything else.
Now comes my least favourite part of the cycle; having to continue taking the progesterone right up until my blood test, even though I know there is no point at all. I probably could stop taking it actually, because my blood request form only asks them to test for hcg, not progesterone, so the clinic will be none the wiser. It's just so depressing continuing the meds when you're not pregnant.
Anyway, I'm completely crushed, for three main reasons:
- Having to wait three or so months before we can afford to do another cycle, so basically a whole quarter to a third of a year where I can't do anything about TTC.
- Having to actually spend another huge amount of money on another cycle. We will have to use Alan's Christmas bonus, which we were hoping to use for a holiday or the myriad of other things that we need/want.
- Not knowing why we had such a bad result from a donor sperm cycle, and worrying that the exact some thing will happen again next time. The only logical conclusion is that my eggs are actually crap, because low fertilisation rates are usually caused by the egg. Unfortunately there's no way to test for egg quality, and there's not much I can do about it either, apart from taking supplements like CoQ10 and royal jelly, and hoping for the best.
I hate this uncertainty. I keep having visions of us having to look for an egg donor too, which is excessively difficult at the best of times, unless you have a very charitable sister or something. I know that I'm leaping wayyy ahead of myself here, but really, what do you expect? Three ICSI cycles and NOTHING to show for it, except for a chemical pregnancy that ended so early it won't even show up on my blood test on Friday.
The whole concept of a baby (or even a pregnancy) is feeling so very out of reach right now. We want two kids as well, and it's this massive struggle just to get one!!
Yesterday I wallowed in grief all day and did nothing, but today I picked myself back up out of my metaphorical pile of filth, and did all the housework and washing that I should have done yesterday (still got more washing, ironing, and bin emptying to do). Tonight I'm going out for dinner with a handful of the ladies from my facebook group, so it will be nice to finally meet them in person, plus do something social for the first time in months. I have plans to get back into running now, as well as learning to use my sewing machine (thanks again cous for the goodies you sent! xx). I will start taking supplements for improving egg quality, as they supposedly take about three or so months to take effect anyway, and hopefully it'll help next cycle. In the first week of December I've got six Living End gigs to look forward to, and now I won't have to worry that I won't be well enough, or whether it's bad for the baby. I could perhaps think about doing pole dancing classes too, and Alan and I have also talked about trying to find an archery club, as that is something that interests us both.
The next three or so months will be all about trying to relax and focus on other things, which will be a big challenge for me. But in the long run it will the best thing for Alan and I, and for my physical and emotional wellbeing.
And maybe that will be what gives us success next time.
Monday, 12 November 2012
Meet Ichabod!
Both of my embryos miraculously continued to grow right up until transfer day yesterday. On Saturday (Day 3), they were 5 cell and 8 cell, the 8 cell one being a perfect number. However on Sunday when they were meant to be 16+ cells and compacting into a morula, they were only 8 cell and 12 cell and just starting to show signs of compaction. The embryologist who was calling me daily with updates told me that she would have liked them to have more cells by now, but she was hopeful for the 12 cell one. She said they would call me on Monday morning to confirm whether my transfer was going ahead in the afternoon. I was still pretty amazed that they had survived til Day 4, after such crappy fertilsation. But there you go.
I'd been living with constant anxiety and nerves since Thursday morning, but then on Monday morning it was finally alleviated; my 12 cell has progressed to a morula overnight, and my transfer would be going ahead. Naturally I still has concerns that I would arrive in the afternoon only to be told, "Sorry, it's done nothing since this morning so no transfer!". Fortunately that wasn't the case. When the embryologist called Alan and I into a private meeting room, she talked us through everything that had happened in the lab, and gave me a picture of my morula taken at 12:19pm that afternoon. I was a little bit disappointed that it was nowhere near showing signs of becoming a blastocyst yet, as it really should have been a blastocyst by yesterday anyway. But she reassured me that they still get pregnancies with Day 5 morulae, that my chances are obviously lower than they would be with a blasty, but still definitely a chance.
Glenn, my FS, was much more cocky about it, saying bold things like, "That'll be a blastocyst later today," and implying that I'll be preggers in two weeks. I love his confident attitude; even though I know a BFP is less than likely, it's nice that he didn't really say anything negative about the cycle, aside from "it would have been nice to get more eggs/more fertilsation". He was very up-front with Alan; when Alan asked if there was anything he could do to improve his condition, Glenn said a straight-up, "nope". He said that in the biopsy they got heaps of tubules from his tissue sample, and absolutely no sperm could be found at all. Alan thinks that Glenn is possibly not the best person to talk to, since his goal is for us to have a kid (which is fair enough), so Alan's still wondering if he should go and see a urologist, maybe even one who's keen to try more experimental/cutting-edge treatments. We'll just have to see what happens there.
So I went and had my transfer, during which Glenn and the FN were talking about the people that they spy on out the window who do things they shouldn't be doing while on cigarette breaks and such, because they don't think anyone can see them. I had to force myself to stop laughing because I was making the ultrasound probe jiggle around on my tummy. We watched our little lazy-bones morula "Ichabod" being squirted into my uterus, and then they packed up, Glenn making some crack about perhaps he should remove the speculum before I leave. The nurse gave me all the usual post-transfer instructions, then we went and paid for everything, including both embryo glue and assisted hatching that were both used on Ichabod to help him/her along a bit.
While we drove home I propped my feet up on the dashboard; not that it would do anything at all, but it made me feel better! At home I updated all my friends by text and in my forums, and shared the photo of Ichabod because I was so delighted to actually have a proper embryo transfer, even if it wasn't the blasty I'd always dreamed of. Alan took me out to Grill'd for dinner where we had yummy burgers and their amazing herb-sprinkled chips, then I spent the evening on the computer until turning in early at 8:30 (but me being me, of course I didn't fall asleep til 10!).
Now I'm waiting around for our rent inspection, which I cleaned for like a crazy woman yesterday before I went to the clinic. Then after that I'm going to relax and be a couch princess for a few days, and hopefully little Ichabod is in there, blastocysting away and snuggling in for the next nine months... well, one can only hope!
Here's his/her photo, which, if we get our miracle, will be the first pic in the baby album:
I'd been living with constant anxiety and nerves since Thursday morning, but then on Monday morning it was finally alleviated; my 12 cell has progressed to a morula overnight, and my transfer would be going ahead. Naturally I still has concerns that I would arrive in the afternoon only to be told, "Sorry, it's done nothing since this morning so no transfer!". Fortunately that wasn't the case. When the embryologist called Alan and I into a private meeting room, she talked us through everything that had happened in the lab, and gave me a picture of my morula taken at 12:19pm that afternoon. I was a little bit disappointed that it was nowhere near showing signs of becoming a blastocyst yet, as it really should have been a blastocyst by yesterday anyway. But she reassured me that they still get pregnancies with Day 5 morulae, that my chances are obviously lower than they would be with a blasty, but still definitely a chance.
Glenn, my FS, was much more cocky about it, saying bold things like, "That'll be a blastocyst later today," and implying that I'll be preggers in two weeks. I love his confident attitude; even though I know a BFP is less than likely, it's nice that he didn't really say anything negative about the cycle, aside from "it would have been nice to get more eggs/more fertilsation". He was very up-front with Alan; when Alan asked if there was anything he could do to improve his condition, Glenn said a straight-up, "nope". He said that in the biopsy they got heaps of tubules from his tissue sample, and absolutely no sperm could be found at all. Alan thinks that Glenn is possibly not the best person to talk to, since his goal is for us to have a kid (which is fair enough), so Alan's still wondering if he should go and see a urologist, maybe even one who's keen to try more experimental/cutting-edge treatments. We'll just have to see what happens there.
So I went and had my transfer, during which Glenn and the FN were talking about the people that they spy on out the window who do things they shouldn't be doing while on cigarette breaks and such, because they don't think anyone can see them. I had to force myself to stop laughing because I was making the ultrasound probe jiggle around on my tummy. We watched our little lazy-bones morula "Ichabod" being squirted into my uterus, and then they packed up, Glenn making some crack about perhaps he should remove the speculum before I leave. The nurse gave me all the usual post-transfer instructions, then we went and paid for everything, including both embryo glue and assisted hatching that were both used on Ichabod to help him/her along a bit.
While we drove home I propped my feet up on the dashboard; not that it would do anything at all, but it made me feel better! At home I updated all my friends by text and in my forums, and shared the photo of Ichabod because I was so delighted to actually have a proper embryo transfer, even if it wasn't the blasty I'd always dreamed of. Alan took me out to Grill'd for dinner where we had yummy burgers and their amazing herb-sprinkled chips, then I spent the evening on the computer until turning in early at 8:30 (but me being me, of course I didn't fall asleep til 10!).
Now I'm waiting around for our rent inspection, which I cleaned for like a crazy woman yesterday before I went to the clinic. Then after that I'm going to relax and be a couch princess for a few days, and hopefully little Ichabod is in there, blastocysting away and snuggling in for the next nine months... well, one can only hope!
Here's his/her photo, which, if we get our miracle, will be the first pic in the baby album:
Friday, 9 November 2012
Triple blow... but a glimmer of hope
Okay, I've been putting this post off. Mainly because I've been too stressed and upset to bother writing anything yet, but also because I wanted a better picture of what was going on before I did. However, once again I realised that I really should be documenting every little thing that happens to me on this hellish ride, otherwise there's not much point to this blog.
So, where do I start? We went in for our procedures two days ago. Firstly, Alan gave a sample of ejaculate, and soon after the lab scientist confirmed with him that there were no sperm found. No surprises there. He was then whisked off to the hospital across the road to be prepped for TESA/PESA. I had to sit for two and a half hours in the waiting room of the clinic before it was my turn. The first person I spoke to was the same scientist; she reiterated that there was nothing in the ejaculate, and she told me the latest from the TESA procedure: nothing in the first teste that they examined, and they were now checking the other. She confirmed with me that we were all good to go ahead with the donor sperm if they didn't find anything. I then spoke to a nurse, who talked me through what was going to be happening for the rest of the day. I got escorted to hospital admissions, and was seen to in the day procedure ward quite quickly, as obviously EPUs need to be done at a fairly precise time.
Nothing new to say about the EPU experience aside from the fact it was at a different hospital. Glenn (my FS) was playing Solitaire on his phone when I walked into the theatre for my procedure, and "Elevation" by U2 was playing on the stereo, hehehe. After I woke up, I was very anxious to get back to Alan, who by the time I finally did, had been discharged and had been waiting back at the clinic for me for two or three hours. Eventually we were called in to see the scientist, who confirmed that there was no sperm found at all, and that my eggs were going to be ICSI'd with our chosen donor sperm. Blow #1. Alan was understandably very sad, and when we got home was questioning whether we should perhaps be getting his condition thoroughly investigated by a urologist, to see if it's something that could be reversed, even if it took months or years of treatment. I don't hold out much hope, to be frank, but if he chooses to do this I will support him.
I had a minor disappointment myself in that we only got 8 eggs. It's not a bad number, by any means, but after the number of follicles I had I really was expecting a couple more. This was Blow #2, mostly because I'd convinced myself that I would get significantly better egg numbers with an antagonist cycle, but it obviously did not turn out to be the case.
Blow #3 came yesterday morning. I was anxiously awaiting my phone call from the lab where they would tell me how many of my eggs fertilised overnight. I was hoping for at least 4; that would have been 50% and there's nothing terribly wrong with that. I also "knew" that with donor sperm, which is meant to be better than average quality, we had a really good chance of getting a few zygotes/embryos for the first time ever. So it was with both nerves and confidence that I answered the phone. The scientist explained to me that of the 8 eggs, 5 were mature, and 2 had matured later in the lab, and that although the latter will not usually fertilise, they still ICSI'd all 7 with the donor sperm.
And two fertilised. Two. All I could utter was a deflated, "Oh." She said, "Yes, that was much less than we expected." Oh, really??? I held it together until Alan asked to speak to her, because he wanted to arrange a time to meet with Glenn to ask about investigating his infertility further. After that, all I could do was hide my face in my hands as my mind went nuts, wondering what could have possibly gone wrong. I was suddenly filled with doubts as to whether my eggs are as good quality as they should be for someone of my age and health. Otherwise how could this have happened? There is a chance that the donor sperm is not all it cracked up to be, but I just don't think that's very likely. I had a big ugly cry all over Alan, and spent the rest of the day trying (and mostly failing) to distract myself. Even though it's not standard procedure for the lab to call you with updates between the fert. results and the transfer (except sometimes on Day 4 if things aren't looking hopeful for the transfer), I had been told before discharge the previous afternoon that I could call them every day if I wanted. If I'd had four or more fertilise, I wouldn't have bothered, but for only two eggs, I resolved to do this.
So this morning after anxiously waiting till a reasonable time (9am), I nervously phoned the clinic and asked to speak to the lab. The receptionist asked me if I was after embyro updates, and then told me that the lab staff were busy doing procedures in the morning and wouldn't be able to answer, plus they don't check embryos till the afternoon. So she put me through to their answering machine, where I left my name and number and quite literally informed them "I was just wondering if my embryos actually survived through the night." Then I had a few hours more to anxiously wait.
They finally called me at around 1:30pm. The scientist I spoke to told me that today they were checking purely for cell division, and that I had one embryo at 2 cells, and one at 4 cells. I felt dizzy with relief. I asked her if they could please call me on Saturday and Sunday too (if either or both are still growing by then) as I wanted daily updates, which she said was fine.
Day 2 embryos are meant to be between 2 - 4 cells, so they are both bang on target. So that is one hurdle down... I have embryos in culture for the first time ever. Not zygotes, which are then stupidly and hurriedly transferred before we know what they're going to do. Actual, real embryos. Very very early ones, and they could arrest before tomorrow even. But there is a tiny glimmer of hope. I am now even more nervous though, because there is so much more to lose. If I'd have been told today that they hadn't divided, I would have been very sad, but resigned. But if I get told they've arrested tomorrow, or Sunday, or (please no!) Monday, the devestation I will feel will get exponentially worse each day that passes.
If I do end up having a blasty to transfer on Monday, I will feel like the luckiest person ever. At this stage I don't even care if it sticks, just the transfer will make the whole cycle feel worthwhile. And I am putting this in writing so that if I am lucky enough to get a transfer, but I don't fall pregnant, I can look back on this and remember how desperate I was to get that far, and to maybe "appreciate" the progress we have made this cycle a bit more. Fine in theory, of course!
However, regardless of what happens, I will still be asking Glenn on Monday as to whether he thinks my eggs might be crap. Because if so, I need to start taking supplements that could possibly help for future cycles, such as royal jelly and/or CoQ10.
So, where do I start? We went in for our procedures two days ago. Firstly, Alan gave a sample of ejaculate, and soon after the lab scientist confirmed with him that there were no sperm found. No surprises there. He was then whisked off to the hospital across the road to be prepped for TESA/PESA. I had to sit for two and a half hours in the waiting room of the clinic before it was my turn. The first person I spoke to was the same scientist; she reiterated that there was nothing in the ejaculate, and she told me the latest from the TESA procedure: nothing in the first teste that they examined, and they were now checking the other. She confirmed with me that we were all good to go ahead with the donor sperm if they didn't find anything. I then spoke to a nurse, who talked me through what was going to be happening for the rest of the day. I got escorted to hospital admissions, and was seen to in the day procedure ward quite quickly, as obviously EPUs need to be done at a fairly precise time.
Nothing new to say about the EPU experience aside from the fact it was at a different hospital. Glenn (my FS) was playing Solitaire on his phone when I walked into the theatre for my procedure, and "Elevation" by U2 was playing on the stereo, hehehe. After I woke up, I was very anxious to get back to Alan, who by the time I finally did, had been discharged and had been waiting back at the clinic for me for two or three hours. Eventually we were called in to see the scientist, who confirmed that there was no sperm found at all, and that my eggs were going to be ICSI'd with our chosen donor sperm. Blow #1. Alan was understandably very sad, and when we got home was questioning whether we should perhaps be getting his condition thoroughly investigated by a urologist, to see if it's something that could be reversed, even if it took months or years of treatment. I don't hold out much hope, to be frank, but if he chooses to do this I will support him.
I had a minor disappointment myself in that we only got 8 eggs. It's not a bad number, by any means, but after the number of follicles I had I really was expecting a couple more. This was Blow #2, mostly because I'd convinced myself that I would get significantly better egg numbers with an antagonist cycle, but it obviously did not turn out to be the case.
Blow #3 came yesterday morning. I was anxiously awaiting my phone call from the lab where they would tell me how many of my eggs fertilised overnight. I was hoping for at least 4; that would have been 50% and there's nothing terribly wrong with that. I also "knew" that with donor sperm, which is meant to be better than average quality, we had a really good chance of getting a few zygotes/embryos for the first time ever. So it was with both nerves and confidence that I answered the phone. The scientist explained to me that of the 8 eggs, 5 were mature, and 2 had matured later in the lab, and that although the latter will not usually fertilise, they still ICSI'd all 7 with the donor sperm.
And two fertilised. Two. All I could utter was a deflated, "Oh." She said, "Yes, that was much less than we expected." Oh, really??? I held it together until Alan asked to speak to her, because he wanted to arrange a time to meet with Glenn to ask about investigating his infertility further. After that, all I could do was hide my face in my hands as my mind went nuts, wondering what could have possibly gone wrong. I was suddenly filled with doubts as to whether my eggs are as good quality as they should be for someone of my age and health. Otherwise how could this have happened? There is a chance that the donor sperm is not all it cracked up to be, but I just don't think that's very likely. I had a big ugly cry all over Alan, and spent the rest of the day trying (and mostly failing) to distract myself. Even though it's not standard procedure for the lab to call you with updates between the fert. results and the transfer (except sometimes on Day 4 if things aren't looking hopeful for the transfer), I had been told before discharge the previous afternoon that I could call them every day if I wanted. If I'd had four or more fertilise, I wouldn't have bothered, but for only two eggs, I resolved to do this.
So this morning after anxiously waiting till a reasonable time (9am), I nervously phoned the clinic and asked to speak to the lab. The receptionist asked me if I was after embyro updates, and then told me that the lab staff were busy doing procedures in the morning and wouldn't be able to answer, plus they don't check embryos till the afternoon. So she put me through to their answering machine, where I left my name and number and quite literally informed them "I was just wondering if my embryos actually survived through the night." Then I had a few hours more to anxiously wait.
They finally called me at around 1:30pm. The scientist I spoke to told me that today they were checking purely for cell division, and that I had one embryo at 2 cells, and one at 4 cells. I felt dizzy with relief. I asked her if they could please call me on Saturday and Sunday too (if either or both are still growing by then) as I wanted daily updates, which she said was fine.
Day 2 embryos are meant to be between 2 - 4 cells, so they are both bang on target. So that is one hurdle down... I have embryos in culture for the first time ever. Not zygotes, which are then stupidly and hurriedly transferred before we know what they're going to do. Actual, real embryos. Very very early ones, and they could arrest before tomorrow even. But there is a tiny glimmer of hope. I am now even more nervous though, because there is so much more to lose. If I'd have been told today that they hadn't divided, I would have been very sad, but resigned. But if I get told they've arrested tomorrow, or Sunday, or (please no!) Monday, the devestation I will feel will get exponentially worse each day that passes.
If I do end up having a blasty to transfer on Monday, I will feel like the luckiest person ever. At this stage I don't even care if it sticks, just the transfer will make the whole cycle feel worthwhile. And I am putting this in writing so that if I am lucky enough to get a transfer, but I don't fall pregnant, I can look back on this and remember how desperate I was to get that far, and to maybe "appreciate" the progress we have made this cycle a bit more. Fine in theory, of course!
However, regardless of what happens, I will still be asking Glenn on Monday as to whether he thinks my eggs might be crap. Because if so, I need to start taking supplements that could possibly help for future cycles, such as royal jelly and/or CoQ10.
Saturday, 3 November 2012
Scan Update
I had my first scan on Friday morning. It was a very rushed affair as my FS was quite busy; I ended up having to wait about 45 mins to go in! There were 7 follies on the right and 4 on the left, so 11 again, just like last time. To be honest I was a little disappointed, I really thought that I would get a few more. FS was happy though, and said my lining was good too (I think the measurement on the screen was 7.6mm, but he didn't actually tell me what it was). Anyway, I have another scan tomorrow morning, and will trigger tomorrow night for EPU on Wednesday. Hopefully if I end up getting around 10 eggs again, more than 6 will be mature this time...
A fun little fact: according to my EPU date and an IVF due date calculator, if I am blessed enough to get pregnant this cycle, my due date would be 31st July.... Harry Potter's birthday! I'm taking that as a good sign, hehehe. ;)
If anything changes after tomorrow's scan I will update, but if not then my next update will be egg numbers after EPU. :)
A fun little fact: according to my EPU date and an IVF due date calculator, if I am blessed enough to get pregnant this cycle, my due date would be 31st July.... Harry Potter's birthday! I'm taking that as a good sign, hehehe. ;)
If anything changes after tomorrow's scan I will update, but if not then my next update will be egg numbers after EPU. :)
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