This won't be long one, because I really don't feel like it right now. On Wednesday night, at only 7dp5dt, I started bleeding very suddenly. It slowed down to spotting overnight, but then came back with a vengeance late yesterday morning. Thus making my IVF cycle only 26 days long. :(
I rang the clinic and asked them if I could do my BT today instead of Monday, so that I could put this cycle behind me, and fortunately they said yes. So I took myself off to the collection centre this morning for yet another completely pointless pregnancy test, and should get the wonderful BFN phone call from the nurse anytime from now.
I'm going to save detailing my current plans for a future blog post, because as I said, I am not in the mood for writing much right now. However I have just increased my dose of CoQ10 from 150mg daily to 450mg, and I've also emailed a fertility acupuncturist to ask if she thinks she might be able to help me. Baby steps, literally.
So, signing off from cycle 4. Hopefully next time I post I'll be feeling a bit more up-beat and have a solid plan in motion.
Thursday 14 February 2013
Monday 11 February 2013
Feeling very down.. so what else is new?
I didn't end up hearing from the lab on that Sunday, so I phoned on Monday for an embryo update, and to my delight was called back to find out that both had divided, and were going well at 8 cell and 7 cell. The next day I took my phone with me into every room of the apartment as I did my chores, hoping against hope that I wouldn't hear from them again. I thought I was almost in the clear, but unfortunately mid-afternoon my phone lit up with "Blocked", and I knew that it was bad news.
I was told that neither of my embryos had shown signs of compaction, which they should have definitely by Day 4. They promised to call me the next morning to confirm whether or not I'd have anything to transfer the following afternoon. After sitting around and being depressed for a bit, I then had a sudden thought.. if my transfer was cancelled, could they possibly convert my cycle to a frozen transfer of my little frostie Sheldrick that I had left over from last cycle? I rang them back to ask, and they eventually called me back after talking amongst themselves to say that it would be do-able. I felt a lot better knowing that we had a back-up plan, even though I know that Sheldrick would not be the most reliable of embryos.
Anyway, I got my phone call the next morning, and to my surprise I was told that one of my embies had compacted into a morula overnight. The other embryo had not done anything since Day 3, and was still just 7 cells, so it was a write-off. That afternoon I went and had my fourth emby transferred, Mildred.
I'm no expert, but to me she looked like a better quality morula compared to Ichabod, so I was fairly happy, although disappointed that yet again my eggs had been unable to produce a blastocyst by Day 5. The embryologist did actually say, "This is a good embryo to be transferring", so that was nice to hear.
Anyway, I was fairly positive for the first half of my TWW. I was helped along massively this past weekend by Alan taking me away to Tamborine Mountain for two nights. We stayed in an adorable cottage in a tiny retreat called Witches Falls, and we basically did a whole lot of not much, which was very pleasant. We did see a (man-made) glow-worm cave, and went on a treetop walk in the rainforest, but aside from that it was just eating and relaxing, and a little bit of driving. I barely thought at all about Mildred, and when I did it was pretty fleeting. I was so proud of myself for keeping the "chilled out" attitude that I was trying to sustain this cycle.
However from when we got home on Sunday, I turned back into my typical psycho TWW self. From the moment we walked through the door, I was wanting to use the three HPTs that I had sitting in the bathroom, even though I knew it was far too early. I was proud of myself for holding off, but then I proceeded to use all three during the day yesterday (Monday). *sigh* This was partially due to the fact that throughout Sunday night I'd woken up from FOUR separate and extremely vivid dreams that I'd gotten positive tests, so I was all keen to try and make my dreams a reality. Anyway, the second test I did yesterday looked like it had a squinter of a line on it, and I got really excited, but eventually, after much scrutiny, I came to the conclusion that it was just a ghost line from leftover trigger, as usual. The third test a few hours later was a BFN, and so confirmed this. Even though I knew it was too early to get a reliable result, I was still very sad and gloomy yesterday afternoon, and started researching ways to improve eggs, as well as the possible options of donor eggs and embryos.
This morning I POAS at 3am when I woke up needing to go, knowing this time that I would definitely be seeing a BFN, unlike the previous morning when I was high on my dreams. I'm just not feeling it anymore, despite feeling quite positive late last week and over the weekend. Even Alan is sad this time; I think he too is beginning to realise that things are not looking good for us. I took another test about 8.5 hours after the 3am one today, as I'd been trying to bolster my spirits by reading peoples' success stories where they'd gotten a BFP later in the day on 6dp5dt, but of course mine was still negative. Then I realised that I'd already used two out of the three new tests I'd bought while doing the grocery shopping yesterday afternoon, so it looks like I'll have to buy some more yet again tomorrow. I have pretty much given up on this cycle, but I need to test at least once a day between now and my blood test next Monday, just so I KNOW for sure what the outcome will be. It seems like the most common day for getting a BFP is 7dp5dt, which is tomorrow, so if I don't see a hint of a line tomorrow then I can fairly conclusively say that I am out. Yet again.
My follow-up is booked for Wednesday next week. I am interested to hear what FS has to say, now that we have "proof" that my eggs are shit. We can really only afford the upfront costs of one more cycle in the foreseeable future, so our next stim we have to throw at it everything we possibly can. And if it's still a crap result, with no notable improvement, then I think that'll be it for my eggs, and we will have to try and find ourselves an egg donor, or even an embryo donor (but those are much rarer and harder to find).
I'm so scared that we will not get the family we so desire. I have been trying to think of all the things that would be great if we never end up having kids, but all I can truly see is a big, gaping vacancy in our lives. One day I could probably be happy, although I think it would take years. I've been wanting to be a mum for nearly 14 years now, and the universe somehow thinks it's funny to make it the hardest thing ever for me to achieve. Well f*ck you, universe, I've had enough of this.
I'm going to feel totes ridiculous if I somehow end up getting a miracle baby from this cycle. I think it's so very unlikely though, that right now the above rant is perfectly justifiable!
I was told that neither of my embryos had shown signs of compaction, which they should have definitely by Day 4. They promised to call me the next morning to confirm whether or not I'd have anything to transfer the following afternoon. After sitting around and being depressed for a bit, I then had a sudden thought.. if my transfer was cancelled, could they possibly convert my cycle to a frozen transfer of my little frostie Sheldrick that I had left over from last cycle? I rang them back to ask, and they eventually called me back after talking amongst themselves to say that it would be do-able. I felt a lot better knowing that we had a back-up plan, even though I know that Sheldrick would not be the most reliable of embryos.
Anyway, I got my phone call the next morning, and to my surprise I was told that one of my embies had compacted into a morula overnight. The other embryo had not done anything since Day 3, and was still just 7 cells, so it was a write-off. That afternoon I went and had my fourth emby transferred, Mildred.
I'm no expert, but to me she looked like a better quality morula compared to Ichabod, so I was fairly happy, although disappointed that yet again my eggs had been unable to produce a blastocyst by Day 5. The embryologist did actually say, "This is a good embryo to be transferring", so that was nice to hear.
Anyway, I was fairly positive for the first half of my TWW. I was helped along massively this past weekend by Alan taking me away to Tamborine Mountain for two nights. We stayed in an adorable cottage in a tiny retreat called Witches Falls, and we basically did a whole lot of not much, which was very pleasant. We did see a (man-made) glow-worm cave, and went on a treetop walk in the rainforest, but aside from that it was just eating and relaxing, and a little bit of driving. I barely thought at all about Mildred, and when I did it was pretty fleeting. I was so proud of myself for keeping the "chilled out" attitude that I was trying to sustain this cycle.
However from when we got home on Sunday, I turned back into my typical psycho TWW self. From the moment we walked through the door, I was wanting to use the three HPTs that I had sitting in the bathroom, even though I knew it was far too early. I was proud of myself for holding off, but then I proceeded to use all three during the day yesterday (Monday). *sigh* This was partially due to the fact that throughout Sunday night I'd woken up from FOUR separate and extremely vivid dreams that I'd gotten positive tests, so I was all keen to try and make my dreams a reality. Anyway, the second test I did yesterday looked like it had a squinter of a line on it, and I got really excited, but eventually, after much scrutiny, I came to the conclusion that it was just a ghost line from leftover trigger, as usual. The third test a few hours later was a BFN, and so confirmed this. Even though I knew it was too early to get a reliable result, I was still very sad and gloomy yesterday afternoon, and started researching ways to improve eggs, as well as the possible options of donor eggs and embryos.
This morning I POAS at 3am when I woke up needing to go, knowing this time that I would definitely be seeing a BFN, unlike the previous morning when I was high on my dreams. I'm just not feeling it anymore, despite feeling quite positive late last week and over the weekend. Even Alan is sad this time; I think he too is beginning to realise that things are not looking good for us. I took another test about 8.5 hours after the 3am one today, as I'd been trying to bolster my spirits by reading peoples' success stories where they'd gotten a BFP later in the day on 6dp5dt, but of course mine was still negative. Then I realised that I'd already used two out of the three new tests I'd bought while doing the grocery shopping yesterday afternoon, so it looks like I'll have to buy some more yet again tomorrow. I have pretty much given up on this cycle, but I need to test at least once a day between now and my blood test next Monday, just so I KNOW for sure what the outcome will be. It seems like the most common day for getting a BFP is 7dp5dt, which is tomorrow, so if I don't see a hint of a line tomorrow then I can fairly conclusively say that I am out. Yet again.
My follow-up is booked for Wednesday next week. I am interested to hear what FS has to say, now that we have "proof" that my eggs are shit. We can really only afford the upfront costs of one more cycle in the foreseeable future, so our next stim we have to throw at it everything we possibly can. And if it's still a crap result, with no notable improvement, then I think that'll be it for my eggs, and we will have to try and find ourselves an egg donor, or even an embryo donor (but those are much rarer and harder to find).
I'm so scared that we will not get the family we so desire. I have been trying to think of all the things that would be great if we never end up having kids, but all I can truly see is a big, gaping vacancy in our lives. One day I could probably be happy, although I think it would take years. I've been wanting to be a mum for nearly 14 years now, and the universe somehow thinks it's funny to make it the hardest thing ever for me to achieve. Well f*ck you, universe, I've had enough of this.
I'm going to feel totes ridiculous if I somehow end up getting a miracle baby from this cycle. I think it's so very unlikely though, that right now the above rant is perfectly justifiable!
Friday 1 February 2013
Meh... disappointment again
Just a quick update, cause I'm very very over this process right now. I was a little disappointed after EPU yesterday to find out we only had 7 eggs. I spent all last night trying to imagine my phone call today, with them telling me good or bad news, and trying to think of the numbers they'd say... e.g. 6 mature, 5 fertilised; 3 mature, none fertilised; all mature, 1 fertilised; and so forth.
The reality? 6 mature (yay!).... and 2 fertilised. Again. Again with only two fricking fertilised. Apparently there were also another 2 that "showed signs of partial fertilisation", but they are not expecting them to progress (however they will continue observing them until that's a sure thing).
So that pretty much cements the fact that there's something wrong with my eggs. I've been having visions all day of Alan and I giving up in a year or two, and putting a desperate plea out for donor embryos, or donor eggs that we can use with bloody donor sperm. Or moving to another country to adopt. I know logically we're a long way off that just yet, and logically I know that one of these two zygotes could pull through for us. But I can't help but think of the worst case scenario, cause that's just me!
This whole thing is so unfair. We just want a child dammit, why should it be so difficult???
I will probably call the lab for an update on Monday, if I haven't had a 'bad news' phone call from them before then. Until then, I shall try to ignore the fact that in a month and a half I will probably once again be sticking needles into my belly, and wondering if this will ever be worth it...
The reality? 6 mature (yay!).... and 2 fertilised. Again. Again with only two fricking fertilised. Apparently there were also another 2 that "showed signs of partial fertilisation", but they are not expecting them to progress (however they will continue observing them until that's a sure thing).
So that pretty much cements the fact that there's something wrong with my eggs. I've been having visions all day of Alan and I giving up in a year or two, and putting a desperate plea out for donor embryos, or donor eggs that we can use with bloody donor sperm. Or moving to another country to adopt. I know logically we're a long way off that just yet, and logically I know that one of these two zygotes could pull through for us. But I can't help but think of the worst case scenario, cause that's just me!
This whole thing is so unfair. We just want a child dammit, why should it be so difficult???
I will probably call the lab for an update on Monday, if I haven't had a 'bad news' phone call from them before then. Until then, I shall try to ignore the fact that in a month and a half I will probably once again be sticking needles into my belly, and wondering if this will ever be worth it...
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