AF is officially here, and I have gotten the definite negative result from the clinic. FML.
I don't know when the hell I'll get to have another try: first I need to get settled in Brisbane, somehow get some sort of follow-up from my current FS in Perth, change our private health provider, save up some money, get a referral for a Qld FS, get hubby's remaining frozen stuff flown over from Perth, then maybe finally get started. I have no idea how long all of this will take. I hope I get at least one more try before the end of the year, otherwise I'll be pretty upset.
Life goes on. I'm on the 7:35am flight to Brisbane tomorrow, see you on the flip side of the country. xx
Friday 15 June 2012
Wednesday 13 June 2012
Think I'm out...
Well, today was the first day I can finally say that my HPT was negative. There is still the faintest shadow of a line there, but I can only see it because I know it's there, if that makes sense. Yesterday's very faint test in comparison looks like a strong positive.
The bad thing about this is that I am now 12 days past "ovulation" (or in my case egg collection), which is when HPTs are around 80% accurate. So my chances of getting a positive in two days after a negative today is not great, to say the very least.
Additionally, my boobs have stopped hurting which can't be good, and I feel in my belly that AF is coming. A few days ago I kind of "felt pregnant"... even though I don't know how that feels. I kind of had little twingey abdominal pains and felt like my lower pelvic muscles were all tight. But that has gone now too.
Everyone on IVF forums keep telling me not to lose hope until my bloods on Friday confirm, but I would just feel too naive being hopeful right now. Besides, I'd much rather be expecting the worst and possibly getting a pleasant surprise (yeah right) than hoping for the best and getting crushing disappointment instead. Which is why I've been testing every morning this week.
Just two more days til this is all over; I can stop sticking pessaries up my arse, I can go and be with my husband in Brisbane, and I can start saving up for and getting "excited" about IVF ICSI #2.
The bad thing about this is that I am now 12 days past "ovulation" (or in my case egg collection), which is when HPTs are around 80% accurate. So my chances of getting a positive in two days after a negative today is not great, to say the very least.
Additionally, my boobs have stopped hurting which can't be good, and I feel in my belly that AF is coming. A few days ago I kind of "felt pregnant"... even though I don't know how that feels. I kind of had little twingey abdominal pains and felt like my lower pelvic muscles were all tight. But that has gone now too.
Everyone on IVF forums keep telling me not to lose hope until my bloods on Friday confirm, but I would just feel too naive being hopeful right now. Besides, I'd much rather be expecting the worst and possibly getting a pleasant surprise (yeah right) than hoping for the best and getting crushing disappointment instead. Which is why I've been testing every morning this week.
Just two more days til this is all over; I can stop sticking pessaries up my arse, I can go and be with my husband in Brisbane, and I can start saving up for and getting "excited" about IVF ICSI #2.
Friday 8 June 2012
Damn it all!!
Okay, so I tested today purely to make sure that the trigger was out of my system. I was expecting a negative test, since it's been ten days since I did the pregnyl injection, and it supposedly takes about ten days to be eliminated... but it was bloody positive. Very very very faintly, but definitely there. Which is annoying, because logic and common sense tell me that I still have pregnyl in me, and it probably would have been negative had I been more patient and tested tomorrow. But hope is persistently whispering to me that maybe, just maybe, I've finally seen my very first true positive pregnancy test. At only 8dpo... not common, but definitely not unheard of.
I will probably test tomorrow now too. I wasn't going to test again til Tuesday if I got a negative today, but now I can't wait that long to find out if it's real or just pregnyl. I cannot live with what is probably false hope for the next three days! If that faint line is gone tomorrow, I'll hold off testing until maybe Thursday if I can bear to. My BT is Friday morning, and I'd rather have an indication of what the answer will be before then. But if the line is the same or, by some amazing miracle, darker... I will probably be weeing on sticks constantly for the next few days!
I will probably test tomorrow now too. I wasn't going to test again til Tuesday if I got a negative today, but now I can't wait that long to find out if it's real or just pregnyl. I cannot live with what is probably false hope for the next three days! If that faint line is gone tomorrow, I'll hold off testing until maybe Thursday if I can bear to. My BT is Friday morning, and I'd rather have an indication of what the answer will be before then. But if the line is the same or, by some amazing miracle, darker... I will probably be weeing on sticks constantly for the next few days!
Friday 1 June 2012
Crap day
I don't really feel like writing this, but I think I need this little journal to vent somewhere other than forums, and one day it might be something worth me looking back on.
So at around 8:20 this morning I got the phone call from the embryologist. He informed me that of our six eggs, only one had fertilised overnight. Just one. He said that they selected six sperm that had motility, but that the sample was predominantly abnormal sperm which is probably why five didn't fertilise. He then told me that they had booked me in for a transfer of my one little fertilised egg this morning at 11am.
When I hung up the phone I told my husband everything, we spent the next hour or so crying together. It was just such a shocking disappointment, especially after the happiness and hope of yesterday. He ended up ringing back the embryologist to ask a couple of questions, mainly to check if all five of his straws of sperm had been used. Apparently they were under strict orders from our fertility specialist to only use one straw, so there are still four left. We are wondering if next time we can convince our specialist to let us use more... He also asked why the transfer was today rather than day 3 like it was meant to be. The embryologist said that usually they wait til day 3 so they can select the best-looking embryo for transfer, but in this case as there was only one, it was better off inside me rather than spending the weekend in the lab. I guess that's fair enough.
One of the worst things about this is that today is the day that hubby moves to Brisbane, and I was meant to be taking him to the airport and seeing him off, but now I couldn't. So I left him at home after he ordered himself a taxi, and I told him that I would try and get to the airport before he boarded once I'd finished at the clinic.
Ha, yeah right. When I got there, there were two ladies ahead of me, one of them arrived well after me which pissed me off too. I had to have a full bladder for the transfer to make it easier for them to see stuff on the ultrasound, and it was sooo painful holding it in after my egg retrieval yesterday. I actually had to ask four times if I could go and let a little bit out, which helped slightly, but the waiting for nearly an hour was absolute torture. When it was finally my turn I went in with one of my favourite nurses at the clinic, and she explained that it was pretty much going to be like a pap smear. The embryologist come in to see me, confirming my details and asking if I had any questions. I just asked him if the egg quality had been okay, as the last thing we needed was for there to problems on my side too. He said it was fine though, that it seemed to just be a sperm issue.
The fertility specialist who was doing my transfer came in. I'd never met him before but he seemed quite nice. When he said something about putting in the embryo, I said to him, "Is it even an embryo yet? Wouldn't it still be a zygote?" to which he said, "Well, now we're just splitting hairs." Hehe.
The worst part of the procedure was keeping control of my bladder while the ultrasound probe was pressing onto it, and while a doctor fiddled around "down there". They showed me what was happening on the monitor; it took me a few seconds to understand it, but I got there in the end, and witnessed "Timmy" (Alan and my joke name for our hypothetical child) being squirted into my uterus. My husband texted me just before this, as I was lying there with catheters hanging out of me, to say he was just boarding his plane, so I thought of him while it was all happening. Once we were done, I raced to the loo to finally get some sweet relief, then the nurse gave me my wonderful rectal progesterone pessaries that I need to insert morning and evening for the next two weeks. I did one when I got home, and they're not bad at all. I've been dreading them so much, but they are actually really easy to put in and once it's in properly you don't even feel it.
So now for a very long TWW (two week wait). I have blood tests on 8th June and 15th June; the first is to check my progesterone and other hormone levels, and the second is obviously my pregnancy test. I am trying to stay hopeful that we manage a miracle out of this, but really, if the sperm were that bad, I'm not expecting this little "embryo" inside me to progress past today.
One can only dream though.
Now I'm going to attempt to escape the quiet emptiness of the house by watching DVDs and eating some chocolate, even though that will probably make me feel crappier once I've finished it.
So at around 8:20 this morning I got the phone call from the embryologist. He informed me that of our six eggs, only one had fertilised overnight. Just one. He said that they selected six sperm that had motility, but that the sample was predominantly abnormal sperm which is probably why five didn't fertilise. He then told me that they had booked me in for a transfer of my one little fertilised egg this morning at 11am.
When I hung up the phone I told my husband everything, we spent the next hour or so crying together. It was just such a shocking disappointment, especially after the happiness and hope of yesterday. He ended up ringing back the embryologist to ask a couple of questions, mainly to check if all five of his straws of sperm had been used. Apparently they were under strict orders from our fertility specialist to only use one straw, so there are still four left. We are wondering if next time we can convince our specialist to let us use more... He also asked why the transfer was today rather than day 3 like it was meant to be. The embryologist said that usually they wait til day 3 so they can select the best-looking embryo for transfer, but in this case as there was only one, it was better off inside me rather than spending the weekend in the lab. I guess that's fair enough.
One of the worst things about this is that today is the day that hubby moves to Brisbane, and I was meant to be taking him to the airport and seeing him off, but now I couldn't. So I left him at home after he ordered himself a taxi, and I told him that I would try and get to the airport before he boarded once I'd finished at the clinic.
Ha, yeah right. When I got there, there were two ladies ahead of me, one of them arrived well after me which pissed me off too. I had to have a full bladder for the transfer to make it easier for them to see stuff on the ultrasound, and it was sooo painful holding it in after my egg retrieval yesterday. I actually had to ask four times if I could go and let a little bit out, which helped slightly, but the waiting for nearly an hour was absolute torture. When it was finally my turn I went in with one of my favourite nurses at the clinic, and she explained that it was pretty much going to be like a pap smear. The embryologist come in to see me, confirming my details and asking if I had any questions. I just asked him if the egg quality had been okay, as the last thing we needed was for there to problems on my side too. He said it was fine though, that it seemed to just be a sperm issue.
The fertility specialist who was doing my transfer came in. I'd never met him before but he seemed quite nice. When he said something about putting in the embryo, I said to him, "Is it even an embryo yet? Wouldn't it still be a zygote?" to which he said, "Well, now we're just splitting hairs." Hehe.
The worst part of the procedure was keeping control of my bladder while the ultrasound probe was pressing onto it, and while a doctor fiddled around "down there". They showed me what was happening on the monitor; it took me a few seconds to understand it, but I got there in the end, and witnessed "Timmy" (Alan and my joke name for our hypothetical child) being squirted into my uterus. My husband texted me just before this, as I was lying there with catheters hanging out of me, to say he was just boarding his plane, so I thought of him while it was all happening. Once we were done, I raced to the loo to finally get some sweet relief, then the nurse gave me my wonderful rectal progesterone pessaries that I need to insert morning and evening for the next two weeks. I did one when I got home, and they're not bad at all. I've been dreading them so much, but they are actually really easy to put in and once it's in properly you don't even feel it.
So now for a very long TWW (two week wait). I have blood tests on 8th June and 15th June; the first is to check my progesterone and other hormone levels, and the second is obviously my pregnancy test. I am trying to stay hopeful that we manage a miracle out of this, but really, if the sperm were that bad, I'm not expecting this little "embryo" inside me to progress past today.
One can only dream though.
Now I'm going to attempt to escape the quiet emptiness of the house by watching DVDs and eating some chocolate, even though that will probably make me feel crappier once I've finished it.
EPU done and dusted
Had my trigger on Wednesday night, and as it's basically just pure pregnancy hormone, I couldn't resist doing an HPT yesterday morning! It was awesome seeing two lines come up straight away... even if it was just from the meds. Let's hope that in a couple of weeks I get to see those two lines for real. I would be praying if I wasn't an atheist, so all I can do is hope with all my heart..
Anyway, went for my EPU this morning. The nurses and staff in the day procedures ward were all so lovely! Just after I was wheeled into the holding area beforehand, I got to meet my anaesthetic technician (I met the anaesthetist beforehand on the ward), the doctor doing my procedure (who I'd never heard of, but she was a lovely middle-aged Indian (I think??) lady), and the embryologist (a sweet young-looking Asian girl). They were so sooo nice! The embryologist went through my details with me, and explained that her colleague would call me tomorrow to let me know fertilisation rates, and inform me whether we'd likely make it to embryo transfer (ET) on Monday. At one stage she asked me, "so we're just putting back one [embryo]?", and I said yes, but I immediately wondered if I should have asked for two! Hehe. However, she was probably just clarifying what my fertility specialist had written on my paperwork, rather than offering me a choice.
The anaesthetist came and knocked me out after that, and when I came to, all I can remember is a male nurse/assistant/whatever asking me how I felt and if there was any pain. I vaguely recollect telling him I had some pain, and it was mostly rectal! Lol. I found out later after reading my post-op paperwork that they had given me pain relief as a rectal suppository while I was still out, so that may have explained it. Once they wheeled me back to the ward where Alan was waiting in my little curtained-off area, the pain started to come on really badly, but even though there was quite a bit in my abdomen, the most excruciating was in my right kidney-ish area. I made sure I told a couple of the nurses, but they didn't seem concerned, yet when I said I was about a seven on the pain scale, they brought me a pain pill with my sandwiches and tub of fruit. They also gave me water and tea, which I sorely needed after nearly twelve hours since my last mouthful of water! The pain escalated as I ate my lunch, so much that I had to keep stopping eating as I whimpered through waves of it, but after about fifteen minutes the painkiller kicked in and I started feeling really good, but very very sleepy. Alan then left as he had to file some fairly urgent paperwork at the Family Court before he leaves for Brisbane tomorrow, so I was left alone (apart from sporadic BP checks from nurses) as I dozed in and out.
Eventually the FN (fertility nurse) came to see me, and told me that they got six eggies out of me!! I was stoked, even though I was hoping for 8 - 10, because after my scan the other day, I was so scared I would only have three or so. However, she didn't specify whether all the eggs were mature (she probably wasn't even given that info yet), so fingers crossed. So now I'm playing the waiting game til tomorrow, hoping and "praying" that a decent number fertilise overnight, and that they grow and progress into little potential bubbas...
Alan took forever to get back to the hospital due to the longest wait ever at the courts; even the staff were saying it is never that bad! While I was waiting I kept dozing, and went to the loo a couple of times... I freaked out the first time because (TMI!) there was lots of blood when I wiped, and my instinctive thought was, "oh no, my period has come already!" Idiot. I should have brought liners, but for some stupid reason I never anticipated there would be bleeding.. don't mind the fact I've just had needles shoved through my vaginal walls! *rolls eyes* Anyway, I eventually woke up properly, and the nurse finally phoned Alan who said he was on his way. He rocked up ages later, and after one final pee from me, they discharged me. I was starving again and poor hubby hadn't eaten since 6am, so we got Subway on the way home. I was fully intending on then resting on the couch, but aside from quite a bit of abdominal tenderness, I actually feel quite normal, so I've just been on the computer for the last three or so hours! I may relax later and watch a movie though.. with Japanese take-out perhaps, woo!
If anyone is reading this before tomorrow, Sat 1st June, please send me your luckiest vibes for my phone call tomorrow. I will be busy in the middle of the day taking Alan to the airport, so hopefully that will distract me a little if I haven't already heard from the clinic by then.
Anyway, went for my EPU this morning. The nurses and staff in the day procedures ward were all so lovely! Just after I was wheeled into the holding area beforehand, I got to meet my anaesthetic technician (I met the anaesthetist beforehand on the ward), the doctor doing my procedure (who I'd never heard of, but she was a lovely middle-aged Indian (I think??) lady), and the embryologist (a sweet young-looking Asian girl). They were so sooo nice! The embryologist went through my details with me, and explained that her colleague would call me tomorrow to let me know fertilisation rates, and inform me whether we'd likely make it to embryo transfer (ET) on Monday. At one stage she asked me, "so we're just putting back one [embryo]?", and I said yes, but I immediately wondered if I should have asked for two! Hehe. However, she was probably just clarifying what my fertility specialist had written on my paperwork, rather than offering me a choice.
The anaesthetist came and knocked me out after that, and when I came to, all I can remember is a male nurse/assistant/whatever asking me how I felt and if there was any pain. I vaguely recollect telling him I had some pain, and it was mostly rectal! Lol. I found out later after reading my post-op paperwork that they had given me pain relief as a rectal suppository while I was still out, so that may have explained it. Once they wheeled me back to the ward where Alan was waiting in my little curtained-off area, the pain started to come on really badly, but even though there was quite a bit in my abdomen, the most excruciating was in my right kidney-ish area. I made sure I told a couple of the nurses, but they didn't seem concerned, yet when I said I was about a seven on the pain scale, they brought me a pain pill with my sandwiches and tub of fruit. They also gave me water and tea, which I sorely needed after nearly twelve hours since my last mouthful of water! The pain escalated as I ate my lunch, so much that I had to keep stopping eating as I whimpered through waves of it, but after about fifteen minutes the painkiller kicked in and I started feeling really good, but very very sleepy. Alan then left as he had to file some fairly urgent paperwork at the Family Court before he leaves for Brisbane tomorrow, so I was left alone (apart from sporadic BP checks from nurses) as I dozed in and out.
Eventually the FN (fertility nurse) came to see me, and told me that they got six eggies out of me!! I was stoked, even though I was hoping for 8 - 10, because after my scan the other day, I was so scared I would only have three or so. However, she didn't specify whether all the eggs were mature (she probably wasn't even given that info yet), so fingers crossed. So now I'm playing the waiting game til tomorrow, hoping and "praying" that a decent number fertilise overnight, and that they grow and progress into little potential bubbas...
Alan took forever to get back to the hospital due to the longest wait ever at the courts; even the staff were saying it is never that bad! While I was waiting I kept dozing, and went to the loo a couple of times... I freaked out the first time because (TMI!) there was lots of blood when I wiped, and my instinctive thought was, "oh no, my period has come already!" Idiot. I should have brought liners, but for some stupid reason I never anticipated there would be bleeding.. don't mind the fact I've just had needles shoved through my vaginal walls! *rolls eyes* Anyway, I eventually woke up properly, and the nurse finally phoned Alan who said he was on his way. He rocked up ages later, and after one final pee from me, they discharged me. I was starving again and poor hubby hadn't eaten since 6am, so we got Subway on the way home. I was fully intending on then resting on the couch, but aside from quite a bit of abdominal tenderness, I actually feel quite normal, so I've just been on the computer for the last three or so hours! I may relax later and watch a movie though.. with Japanese take-out perhaps, woo!
If anyone is reading this before tomorrow, Sat 1st June, please send me your luckiest vibes for my phone call tomorrow. I will be busy in the middle of the day taking Alan to the airport, so hopefully that will distract me a little if I haven't already heard from the clinic by then.
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