Waiting for January

We had our follow-up a week ago. Firstly, FS recommended that we leave our frostie Sheldrick in the freezer for now, as its erratic growth pattern in the lab tells him that we wouldn't have terrific chances using it, and we are better off keeping it til when we are trying for baby #2. He said our focus right now is to get me pregnant ASAP, and the best way to do that is with another fresh cycle that will hopefully give us better results. I was pretty much expecting him to say this. It's really amazing though, he gave us copies of the lab sheet, and the embryo in question was actually the one that was four cells on day two, not the two-cell one (which was Ichabod). The growth for Sheldrick was as follows:

Day 1: 2PN (on track)
Day 2: 4 cell (on track)
Day 3: 5 cell (should be 6-8 cell)
Day 4: 8 cell (should be Morula, 12-30 cell and compacted)
Day 5: 12 cell (should be blastocyst)
Day 6: Blastocyst (!!!)

So in 24 hours it went from being a compacting 12 cell to a blastocyst... very very weird, and yes, probably doesn't bode well for its chances of becoming a sticky bub.

FS was reviewing our cycle notes and made a comment about the "shit fertilisation" (his words). He recommended that we choose a different donor next time, which Alan and I had already agreed on anyway. I asked him if it was possible that the problem was with my egg quality. He said that it's highly unlikely; that, although it sounds bad coming from a scientist, sometimes some eggs and sperm just don't like each other. I had this theory myself, but thought it wasn't very scientific, so it was nice to hear it confirmed that this can be the case. I'm still concerned about my eggs though. I've started taking CoQ10 but who knows if it'll help...

Anyway, he wanted us to get started on a new cycle ASAP, but Alan and I were thinking it would be better to take a break, as I said the last time I posted. However, we have decided to go again when I get my period in mid-late January, so it's not a huge enough break that I'm going to get all impatient and stressed out. We'll unfortunately be using Alan's Christmas bonus to pay for the cycle, so fingers crossed it works, to make spending his reward on this worthwhile. Alan asked Glenn what we'd be doing differently this time, as he pretty much refused to go ahead if we were just going to try the same thing again. Glenn agreed. My new protocol is a little different... I'll try and remember what I can:

- The cycle starts with a single injection of Elonva, which is a slow-release follicle stimulating hormone drug. According to what I've been able to find online, it lasts for about seven days, then you have a scan and the FS will then "top you up" for a few days with Gonal-F for the final growth and maturation of follicles. Essentially, this will mean less injections for me, so hooray for that! I think he also said he'll increase the dose of Gonal-F too, but that will depend on what my first scan shows I suppose.

- Instead of Cetrotide, I will be taking Orgalutran as my antagonist this time, which I think is in pre-filled syringes like the Gonal-F, which means it'll be easier to take. Yay!

- I'll still be triggering with Ovidrel, and I'm 99% sure I'll be using Crinone again too, so the tail end of my cycle is staying the same.

A couple of little changes there anyway. Elonva I'd never heard of before, but apparently it is used a fair bit in Europe. I've seen a couple of forum posts from people who used it, saying they got their best egg numbers when on Elonva, so that's encouraging. Hopefully it does the trick for me...

In the meantime, I've got a few things going on to look forward to. Right now I'm halfway through the six Living End Retrospective Tour gigs, which I feel like a loser at by myself, but once the boys come on I lose myself in their awesome musical talent. I'm very sleep-deprived and exhausted this week, but it's only one week so who cares. Alan and I have also booked our tickets for The Hobbit on Boxing Day, so I'm excited about that. Les Mis comes out that day too, so we'll probably see that the same week. And finally, Alan has made a reservation at the Sheraton in Noosa for two nights on the last weekend of his Christmas break (4th and 5th Jan). It's the only 5-star hotel in Noosa and judging by the photos it has a gorgeous resort-y pool area, and is right near the beach and all the best restaurants and such. We've never had a mini-break before, so I'm pleased that we actually got around to organising it. I just realised that I need to get myself some bathers though, I have none!

So by the time all that's over it will only be a couple of weeks before we get the IVF ball rolling again. I decided yesterday that I'm going to go into my next cycle with zero expectations, as the last three I've always had the "ooh, this could be the one!" thoughts, but it's always turned to shit. This time, I want to give being "meh" and mellow a go, and view the whole process as though I'm a detached observer of a science experiment. Easier said than done, but I'm tired of getting excited then getting crushed, so I really need a more laid-back attitude in the future for the sake of self-preservation.

Bye-bye Ichabod

I've had a rollercoaster last few days. After my transfer I tested out the Ovidrel trigger, and soon enough was getting tests that were almost negative. Then, late on Saturday morning (10 DPO or 5dp5dt) after we got home from doing the shopping, I went and did another test because there had still been an incredibly faint line on the one I'd done at 3:30am that morning. I was very surprised and pleased when a line came up again; it was still incredibly faint but definitely darker than the early morning test. Because I'm obsessed, I did another two tests that day, one at 3:30pm and one at 8:20pm. The line wasn't getting darker, but was about the same. I couldn't wait to test again Sunday morning.

Sunday I was up at 5:30am to POAS yet again, and my heart was thumping and my hands started shaking when I could see a line straight away, still very very faint, but I was sure it was darker than the one I'd gotten at 11:30am the day before. I shared a photo of it on my facebook support group; it was barely visible in the picture, but definitely there, and the consensus was that it looked like a very early BFP. I was so excited. It was amazing being able to say to Alan, "I think I'm pregnant" and actually mean it for the first time ever.

However, when I finally compared the two tests (11:30am 10 DPO, and 5:30am 11 DPO) in daylight later on, they didn't look much different, and I started getting concerned that it was either a chemical pregnancy, or possibly even ectopic, as a couple of days before I'd been woken in the middle of the night by a very sharp pain near my right ovary. My fears inflated when I tested again at 9:30am, four hours after the morning test, and it was almost a complete negative. I decided to try and forget about it until the next morning, and I kept patting my belly and thinking encouraging thoughts hoping Ichabod would get the message.

But it wasn't to be. Yesterday morning I tested yet again; shaking hands and pounding heart, from nerves this time instead of excitement. Willing that line to be darker. Nope, it was lighter. Poor Ichabod was just not strong enough to turn into a baby. My test this morning was a ghost line, even lighter still. I have one test left so will use it tomorrow morning, purely for closure than anything else.

Now comes my least favourite part of the cycle; having to continue taking the progesterone right up until my blood test, even though I know there is no point at all. I probably could stop taking it actually, because my blood request form only asks them to test for hcg, not progesterone, so the clinic will be none the wiser. It's just so depressing continuing the meds when you're not pregnant.

Anyway, I'm completely crushed, for three main reasons:

- Having to wait three or so months before we can afford to do another cycle, so basically a whole quarter to a third of a year where I can't do anything about TTC.

- Having to actually spend another huge amount of money on another cycle. We will have to use Alan's Christmas bonus, which we were hoping to use for a holiday or the myriad of other things that we need/want.

- Not knowing why we had such a bad result from a donor sperm cycle, and worrying that the exact some thing will happen again next time. The only logical conclusion is that my eggs are actually crap, because low fertilisation rates are usually caused by the egg. Unfortunately there's no way to test for egg quality, and there's not much I can do about it either, apart from taking supplements like CoQ10 and royal jelly, and hoping for the best.

I hate this uncertainty. I keep having visions of us having to look for an egg donor too, which is excessively difficult at the best of times, unless you have a very charitable sister or something. I know that I'm leaping wayyy ahead of myself here, but really, what do you expect? Three ICSI cycles and NOTHING to show for it, except for a chemical pregnancy that ended so early it won't even show up on my blood test on Friday.

The whole concept of a baby (or even a pregnancy) is feeling so very out of reach right now. We want two kids as well, and it's this massive struggle just to get one!!

Yesterday I wallowed in grief all day and did nothing, but today I picked myself back up out of my metaphorical pile of filth, and did all the housework and washing that I should have done yesterday (still got more washing, ironing, and bin emptying to do). Tonight I'm going out for dinner with a handful of the ladies from my facebook group, so it will be nice to finally meet them in person, plus do something social for the first time in months. I have plans to get back into running now, as well as learning to use my sewing machine (thanks again cous for the goodies you sent! xx). I will start taking supplements for improving egg quality, as they supposedly take about three or so months to take effect anyway, and hopefully it'll help next cycle. In the first week of December I've got six Living End gigs to look forward to, and now I won't have to worry that I won't be well enough, or whether it's bad for the baby. I could perhaps think about doing pole dancing classes too, and Alan and I have also talked about trying to find an archery club, as that is something that interests us both.

The next three or so months will be all about trying to relax and focus on other things, which will be a big challenge for me. But in the long run it will the best thing for Alan and I, and for my physical and emotional wellbeing.

And maybe that will be what gives us success next time.

Meet Ichabod!

Both of my embryos miraculously continued to grow right up until transfer day yesterday. On Saturday (Day 3), they were 5 cell and 8 cell, the 8 cell one being a perfect number. However on Sunday when they were meant to be 16+ cells and compacting into a morula, they were only 8 cell and 12 cell and just starting to show signs of compaction. The embryologist who was calling me daily with updates told me that she would have liked them to have more cells by now, but she was hopeful for the 12 cell one. She said they would call me on Monday morning to confirm whether my transfer was going ahead in the afternoon. I was still pretty amazed that they had survived til Day 4, after such crappy fertilsation. But there you go.

I'd been living with constant anxiety and nerves since Thursday morning, but then on Monday morning it was finally alleviated; my 12 cell has progressed to a morula overnight, and my transfer would be going ahead. Naturally I still has concerns that I would arrive in the afternoon only to be told, "Sorry, it's done nothing since this morning so no transfer!". Fortunately that wasn't the case. When the embryologist called Alan and I into a private meeting room, she talked us through everything that had happened in the lab, and gave me a picture of my morula taken at 12:19pm that afternoon. I was a little bit disappointed that it was nowhere near showing signs of becoming a blastocyst yet, as it really should have been a blastocyst by yesterday anyway. But she reassured me that they still get pregnancies with Day 5 morulae, that my chances are obviously lower than they would be with a blasty, but still definitely a chance.

Glenn, my FS, was much more cocky about it, saying bold things like, "That'll be a blastocyst later today," and implying that I'll be preggers in two weeks. I love his confident attitude; even though I know a BFP is less than likely, it's nice that he didn't really say anything negative about the cycle, aside from "it would have been nice to get more eggs/more fertilsation". He was very up-front with Alan; when Alan asked if there was anything he could do to improve his condition, Glenn said a straight-up, "nope". He said that in the biopsy they got heaps of tubules from his tissue sample, and absolutely no sperm could be found at all. Alan thinks that Glenn is possibly not the best person to talk to, since his goal is for us to have a kid (which is fair enough), so Alan's still wondering if he should go and see a urologist, maybe even one who's keen to try more experimental/cutting-edge treatments. We'll just have to see what happens there.

So I went and had my transfer, during which Glenn and the FN were talking about the people that they spy on out the window who do things they shouldn't be doing while on cigarette breaks and such, because they don't think anyone can see them. I had to force myself to stop laughing because I was making the ultrasound probe jiggle around on my tummy. We watched our little lazy-bones morula "Ichabod" being squirted into my uterus, and then they packed up, Glenn making some crack about perhaps he should remove the speculum before I leave. The nurse gave me all the usual post-transfer instructions, then we went and paid for everything, including both embryo glue and assisted hatching that were both used on Ichabod to help him/her along a bit.

While we drove home I propped my feet up on the dashboard; not that it would do anything at all, but it made me feel better! At home I updated all my friends by text and in my forums, and shared the photo of Ichabod because I was so delighted to actually have a proper embryo transfer, even if it wasn't the blasty I'd always dreamed of. Alan took me out to Grill'd for dinner where we had yummy burgers and their amazing herb-sprinkled chips, then I spent the evening on the computer until turning in early at 8:30 (but me being me, of course I didn't fall asleep til 10!).

Now I'm waiting around for our rent inspection, which I cleaned for like a crazy woman yesterday before I went to the clinic. Then after that I'm going to relax and be a couch princess for a few days, and hopefully little Ichabod is in there, blastocysting away and snuggling in for the next nine months... well, one can only hope!

Here's his/her photo, which, if we get our miracle, will be the first pic in the baby album:

Triple blow... but a glimmer of hope

Okay, I've been putting this post off. Mainly because I've been too stressed and upset to bother writing anything yet, but also because I wanted a better picture of what was going on before I did. However, once again I realised that I really should be documenting every little thing that happens to me on this hellish ride, otherwise there's not much point to this blog.

So, where do I start? We went in for our procedures two days ago. Firstly, Alan gave a sample of ejaculate, and soon after the lab scientist confirmed with him that there were no sperm found. No surprises there. He was then whisked off to the hospital across the road to be prepped for TESA/PESA. I had to sit for two and a half hours in the waiting room of the clinic before it was my turn. The first person I spoke to was the same scientist; she reiterated that there was nothing in the ejaculate, and she told me the latest from the TESA procedure: nothing in the first teste that they examined, and they were now checking the other. She confirmed with me that we were all good to go ahead with the donor sperm if they didn't find anything. I then spoke to a nurse, who talked me through what was going to be happening for the rest of the day. I got escorted to hospital admissions, and was seen to in the day procedure ward quite quickly, as obviously EPUs need to be done at a fairly precise time.

Nothing new to say about the EPU experience aside from the fact it was at a different hospital. Glenn (my FS) was playing Solitaire on his phone when I walked into the theatre for my procedure, and "Elevation" by U2 was playing on the stereo, hehehe. After I woke up, I was very anxious to get back to Alan, who by the time I finally did, had been discharged and had been waiting back at the clinic for me for two or three hours. Eventually we were called in to see the scientist, who confirmed that there was no sperm found at all, and that my eggs were going to be ICSI'd with our chosen donor sperm. Blow #1. Alan was understandably very sad, and when we got home was questioning whether we should perhaps be getting his condition thoroughly investigated by a urologist, to see if it's something that could be reversed, even if it took months or years of treatment. I don't hold out much hope, to be frank, but if he chooses to do this I will support him.

I had a minor disappointment myself in that we only got 8 eggs. It's not a bad number, by any means, but after the number of follicles I had I really was expecting a couple more. This was Blow #2, mostly because I'd convinced myself that I would get significantly better egg numbers with an antagonist cycle, but it obviously did not turn out to be the case.

Blow #3 came yesterday morning. I was anxiously awaiting my phone call from the lab where they would tell me how many of my eggs fertilised overnight. I was hoping for at least 4; that would have been 50% and there's nothing terribly wrong with that. I also "knew" that with donor sperm, which is meant to be better than average quality, we had a really good chance of getting a few zygotes/embryos for the first time ever. So it was with both nerves and confidence that I answered the phone. The scientist explained to me that of the 8 eggs, 5 were mature, and 2 had matured later in the lab, and that although the latter will not usually fertilise, they still ICSI'd all 7 with the donor sperm.

And two fertilised. Two. All I could utter was a deflated, "Oh." She said, "Yes, that was much less than we expected." Oh, really??? I held it together until Alan asked to speak to her, because he wanted to arrange a time to meet with Glenn to ask about investigating his infertility further. After that, all I could do was hide my face in my hands as my mind went nuts, wondering what could have possibly gone wrong. I was suddenly filled with doubts as to whether my eggs are as good quality as they should be for someone of my age and health. Otherwise how could this have happened? There is a chance that the donor sperm is not all it cracked up to be, but I just don't think that's very likely. I had a big ugly cry all over Alan, and spent the rest of the day trying (and mostly failing) to distract myself. Even though it's not standard procedure for the lab to call you with updates between the fert. results and the transfer (except sometimes on Day 4 if things aren't looking hopeful for the transfer), I had been told before discharge the previous afternoon that I could call them every day if I wanted. If I'd had four or more fertilise, I wouldn't have bothered, but for only two eggs, I resolved to do this.

So this morning after anxiously waiting till a reasonable time (9am), I nervously phoned the clinic and asked to speak to the lab. The receptionist asked me if I was after embyro updates, and then told me that the lab staff were busy doing procedures in the morning and wouldn't be able to answer, plus they don't check embryos till the afternoon. So she put me through to their answering machine, where I left my name and number and quite literally informed them "I was just wondering if my embryos actually survived through the night." Then I had a few hours more to anxiously wait.

They finally called me at around 1:30pm. The scientist I spoke to told me that today they were checking purely for cell division, and that I had one embryo at 2 cells, and one at 4 cells. I felt dizzy with relief. I asked her if they could please call me on Saturday and Sunday too (if either or both are still growing by then) as I wanted daily updates, which she said was fine.

Day 2 embryos are meant to be between 2 - 4 cells, so they are both bang on target. So that is one hurdle down... I have embryos in culture for the first time ever. Not zygotes, which are then stupidly and hurriedly transferred before we know what they're going to do. Actual, real embryos. Very very early ones, and they could arrest before tomorrow even. But there is a tiny glimmer of hope. I am now even more nervous though, because there is so much more to lose. If I'd have been told today that they hadn't divided, I would have been very sad, but resigned. But if I get told they've arrested tomorrow, or Sunday, or (please no!) Monday, the devestation I will feel will get exponentially worse each day that passes.

If I do end up having a blasty to transfer on Monday, I will feel like the luckiest person ever. At this stage I don't even care if it sticks, just the transfer will make the whole cycle feel worthwhile. And I am putting this in writing so that if I am lucky enough to get a transfer, but I don't fall pregnant, I can look back on this and remember how desperate I was to get that far, and to maybe "appreciate" the progress we have made this cycle a bit more. Fine in theory, of course!

However, regardless of what happens, I will still be asking Glenn on Monday as to whether he thinks my eggs might be crap. Because if so, I need to start taking supplements that could possibly help for future cycles, such as royal jelly and/or CoQ10.

Scan Update

I had my first scan on Friday morning. It was a very rushed affair as my FS was quite busy; I ended up having to wait about 45 mins to go in! There were 7 follies on the right and 4 on the left, so 11 again, just like last time. To be honest I was a little disappointed, I really thought that I would get a few more. FS was happy though, and said my lining was good too (I think the measurement on the screen was 7.6mm, but he didn't actually tell me what it was). Anyway, I have another scan tomorrow morning, and will trigger tomorrow night for EPU on Wednesday. Hopefully if I end up getting around 10 eggs again, more than 6 will be mature this time...

A fun little fact: according to my EPU date and an IVF due date calculator, if I am blessed enough to get pregnant this cycle, my due date would be 31st July.... Harry Potter's birthday! I'm taking that as a good sign, hehehe. ;)

If anything changes after tomorrow's scan I will update, but if not then my next update will be egg numbers after EPU. :)

Happy dance

The red witch is here and I can finally get this show on the road. I phoned up the clinic this morning and left a message for the nurses, and one of them called me back a few minutes later. She updated me in the system, made sure I had all my drugs, then put me through to the receptionist so I could book my first scan. That's right, no stupid blood tests this time; our new FS generally judges all timings and medication adjustments by performing just one or two scans leading up to EPU. So my first scan will be CD 10, which is next Friday. For now, I'm waiting til this Friday (CD 3) when I will start jabbing Gonal - F, then in a week from today (CD 8) I will add Cetrotide to the mix, which is the antagonist that will stop me from prematurely ovulating (hopefully!!).

And so until Friday, I will sit here cuddling my hot water bottle (these period cramps have gotten stronger as I've gotten older, I swear!), and dare to dream that maybe, just maybe, this is the last time I have to do this... until we try for a sibling, of course. I'm throwing everything I reasonably can at getting a good lining this time around, as it has let me down the last two cycles. I am drinking pomegranate juice every second day, will be trying to eat lamb a couple of times a week as recommended by a fellow IVF-er, and as per the advice of my old FS, I will continue taking 500mg of Vitamin E every day, in addition to whatever amount is in my daily Concieve Well Gold multi-vitamin.

Last night I was looking up obstretricians who deliver at what will probably be my chosen hospital in Brisbane. Alan said that he was really happy that I was doing this, as it showed positive thinking and cemented for him that I really believe this could work. I agreed, but also said that it's more to do with preparation than anything else; if I want to have someone with a decent reputation, I would basically have to book as soon as I got my first blood test results, or I could miss out on the best options. So it's best to be prepared, because even if this particular cycle doesn't work, our next one could (which wouldn't be til early next year, at least), and if I already have an obs and a couple of back-ups chosen then I won't have to worry about it again. Unless they retire in the meantime... hehe.

Pointless post

I smegging wish AF would hurry up. The worst thing is I know it might not come til early next week. I'm just getting emphatically impatient, and then I'm feeling stupid because I'm so definitely setting myself up for disappointment in this next cycle. Seriously, all my expectations have been placed on this new set of procedures; unlike the last two times, I think I will honestly be absolutely heartbroken if this one doesn't work. And the fact it's costing us so bloody much won't help either.

The last two days I've found myself looking at photos of positive HPTs and people's pregnancy belly pics. I don't know why, as it's quite a sadistic thing to do. It would probably be healthier for me to take a step back and try and concentrate on something other than pregnancy and babies, but I am completely, 100% obsessed with the whole topic. The other day I was even comparing pros and cons of two private maternity hospitals in Brisbane. In short, I am useless.

I just need to get this show on the road so badly. I might try a hot bath tomorrow, even though it's probably still too early for a bleed to start; I could possibly be as little as 8DPO. I just wish I knew! I wish I knew so many things...

Ready.. Set...

We went to our final counselling session and clinic appointment on Wednesday afternoon, and although Alan still hadn't told me 100% what his final word was regarding anon vs. known donor, I discovered his answer when he was talking to the psychologist. Which was to proceed as planned, thankfully. We went ahead with our number 1 choice, and at our clinic appointment we reserved one straw of this particular donor's sperm for our potential use next cycle. The donor in question is, as I mentioned last time, American, but his parents are from Yugoslavia. He has dark hair and dark eyes like Alan and his brother, so the colouring is right. And he just generally sounds like a nice guy; late 20's, married but no children yet, works as an analyst, and believes in family and working hard for a secure future. We were able to keep whatever profiles we wanted, so we kept the top 3 we'd selected just for future reference. If we end up having to use this donor and are successful, wayyyy in the future we'll be able to show our kid the donor profile for his/her interest, if they so desire.

Anyway, I got all my injections for the first part of my cycle, and they are now taking up an entire shelf in the door of our fridge! We also paid the cycle fee; unfortunately this clinic requires you to pay it before you start, so we are skint now, as we won't get the rebate til after EPU! Which is scary, because due to Alan also undergoing procedures this time, we will have to fork out a lot of money on EPU day too, and we're not even sure if we're going to have enough in the bank to cover it yet. But I'm sure we'll find an out if we need it...

All the consent forms got signed too, so now it's just waiting for AF to show! Unfortunately it may take a while; I have a feeling that I only just ovulated early this week, which will mean that this could be my longest ever cycle in memory. Typical! I'm due this weekend but I could be waiting nearly a couple more weeks. The nurse did confirm on Wednesday that the Laparoscopy could definitely have interfered with my natural cycle. All good though, I'm just really, really excited and nervous about this brand new plan of attack, so I'm keen to get going. Next update will probably be after I've started, unless anything new crops up. :)

Things are happening

Alright, where were we? I'd had my appointment with the new FS last time I posted. So a week later, I went for my Lap & Hyst. FS rang Alan after the surgery to tell him that he had found a bit of endometriosis, but had removed it, and that otherwise all my bits looked good and healthy. We went for our follow-up two days ago, wherein FS showed me pictures of my insides, and gave me the photos to keep which is very cool! They included pics of the two patches of endo that he lasered off, and they really were fairly small, in my uneducated opinion anyway. He then filled out our confirmation thingy for our next cycle, and handed us over to the nurse who we spent ages with. She talked us through the cycle and the costs (I accidentally mistook the Medicare item number as the cost; I thought the upfront was going to be $13200! Lol!), then gave us a lot of info and all our consent forms to take home and fill out, which we will bring back to be signed and witnessed at another appointment this Wednesday. We also brought home profiles for their nine current donors they have available; the clinic actually imports sperm from America, so the profiles are very comprehensive. They include lots of info such as DOB, ethnicity and race, marital status, blood type, heaps of physical characteristics, health info for both the donor and their immediate family including gransparents, as well as stuff about personality attributes, and a large paragraph talking about themselves in which a couple of them address the future child, which I thought was kind of sweet.

Anyway, we have gone through these profiles and selected our top three preferences. However, Alan is having a final rethink about whether he should still be considering using a known donor instead. Seeing the profiles for the donors has made them seem more "real" to him; he said he would have preferred the clinic to just choose one for us based on his physical appearance (and of course taking into account family health and such). He's not sure how he feels about our future adult child wanting to track down and meet their biological father. I don't either, to be honest, but I'm sure when the time came we would be able to find ways to cope.

Hopefully he makes a decision very very soon, because the exciting thing is that we will soon be able to get started on our next cycle, pretty much next time my period shows up! That should be in around a week or so, depending on whether the surgery has screwed with my natural cycle at all, or if my natural cycle is behaving itself. As I mentioned before, we are going back to the clinic on Wednesday to sign all the forms, and I will also be collecting my drugs and everything I need. The best part is that this new clinic doesn't do blood tests, apart from the final pregnancy test. So all I have to do is take my injections when I'm initially told, and show up for a scan on around CD 10, then possibly another one to work out when to trigger, and that's it. No more rocking up on CD 2, 8, 10, 12 or whatever first thing in the morning for blood tests, yay!!

Last Friday and this coming Wednesday we also had/have counselling appointments with a psychologist to talk about using donor sperm; it's a legal requirement. The first session went fine, it was probably just the psych talking about two-thirds of the time, talking us through some of the potential issues and getting our input. The next session might be interesting if Alan is feeling a bit cold-feet-y about the anon donor thing, but maybe by then he'll have made peace a little more with it.

More to come after Wednesday...

New FS = Better outlook

Yes, alright, I've been very slack in updating my blog lately. The truth is that I'm now a member of a private group on facebook that is a spin-off of a parenting forum thread, and the ladies in this group are so friendly and supportive of each other that I feel like it's really the only place I need to talk about IVF stuff. However, my blog is the only place where I can talk about me and me alone, and not have to worry that I'm crapping on too much, so I should make more of an effort to come in here. I forget that this little blog is primarily for me, so that I can look back on it one day and remember every step of this journey, painful or otherwise.

Moving on from my weird, sort-of apology to my future self... Alan and I had our first appointment last week with our new Brisbane fertility specialist whom I selected. I spent pretty much the whole appointment laughing, as this guy is incredibly cheeky and crass and says and does the most unexpected things; for example lots of cracks about "dick size", getting me to... shall we say, assist him in determining the size of Alan's "balls", telling me that he wants to have a look in my "guts" (i.e. a Laparoscopy and Hysteroscopy), and so forth. He also pretty much said that my Perth clinic/FS are crap, and that there is no way they should have been doing Day 1 transfers unless I'd consented to it as an experimental procedure. He is very confident and arrogant, but really gives you the feeling that he knows exactly what he's doing, which is wonderful.

The outcome of the appointment was quite satisfactory. In fact, it was everything that I wanted. I use the term "wanted" loosely, because part of it was, as I mentioned, the fact that he wants to cut me open and shove things in me to make sure that my uterus and ovaries look good, and that there is no sign of endometriosis (and if there is, he will remove it). He said that there's no point carrying on doing cycles until we make 100% sure that I'm capable of falling pregnant; that there's nothing that will stop an embryo from implanting. I was told by my last FS that I could opt to have this procedure if I wanted, but I chose not to because I was keen to get going and had never shown any signs of having any issues. But the new FS is right, I am getting to the stage now where taking chances is too costly, so we will fork out the money for what will hopefully be unnecessary surgery, because at what price peace of mind?

After I've recovered from said Lap & Hyst, we will start thinking about our next cycle. I have my surgery follow-up appointment booked for next Thursday with FS, and straight afterwards I/we (depending on if Alan can get out of work) will have an appointment with the nurse to sign consent forms and talk about the process for the next cycle. Regarding said cycle, here is what we're going to be doing, in point form because it's easier to read:

- Antagonist protocol. I am thrilled to be trying this, as my last two cycles have been Down Reg, and I've always had a gut feeling I should be doing Antag. It will be good to see if my instincts are correct here.

- I will be staying on a 200iu dose of Gonal-F, however I will be triggering with Synarel (a nasal spray). I have never heard of this being done before now.. apparently it's a "latest research" thing, in that if you trigger with Synarel you will not develop OHSS, no matter how many eggs they get from you. I am not looking forward to taking the Synarel, because apparently it's horrid stuff, but if it's a trigger I'm assuming I only have to take it once, not for two or three weeks like when it's used in a down reg. cycle.

- Alan will be a million times more involved this time. On the day of my EPU, he will give a sample of ejaculate at the clinic, as well as undergo TESA (aspiration of the testes). If neither of these processes give us any sperm, he will then have an open biopsy. If there is still nothing there, we will have donor sperm on standby to fertilise my eggs so that we don't "waste" a cycle. The FS said that we will have the option of freezing any embryos we may get from donor sperm so that we can have time to adjust to using donor. Personally, I will still want a transfer stright away, but ultimately that decision will be up to Alan. However, he did say that he'll "have 9 months to get used to the idea" anyway. And as FS so succintly said, "If you're wiping its arse and paying its school fees, guess what? It's your kid." Lol.

- Blastocyst transfer!! My last clinic didn't do these as a general rule, they did 3 Day transfers (blastocyst are 5 Day). Transferring a blastocyst generally gives you a much better chance of success, as by Day 5 they can more accurately assess which embryos are the strongest and better-looking ones to transfer and/or freeze. Plus, there is the theory that if they can survive to that stage in a petrie dish in a lab, then they must be bloody tough little buggers. Because of my age (under 35), my FS will only transfer a single blasty due to the risks associated with twins (he said that IVF twins have massively higher chance of suffering such conditions as cerebal palsy and so forth, which I already knew).

So when we came out of the appointment, I booked my Lap & Hyst, my follow-up appt and info session, and I have also arranged for Alan and I to attend two compulsory counselling sessions that are a legal requirement prior to the use of donor gametes. Unfortunately due to the psychologist being fairly solidly booked, and Alan having work commitments, we probably won't be starting our next cycle until mid-November at the earliest. I managed to get our first session for this Friday morning, just before I go into the hospital for my procedure, but his next available time slot for which Alan is free was 17th Oct, which means we will miss the start of my October cycle. However I'm assuming that the more time I take between my surgery and starting everything the better, as I will have plenty of time to heal and recover. I'm hoping that using donor doesn't get in the way of us starting either, as sometimes you do have to wait for donor stuff to become available... I guess we will find that out when we talk to the nurse next week.

Alan still has massive issues with using donor, but knows absolutely that he will do it as a last resort because he wants kids. Actually, as he corrected me the other day, the problem he has is not with using a donor, but with NOT using him. Counselling will be interesting, as he has told me he will not even think about donor until it's actually a reality; he refuses to even contemplate the possibility that they won't find any usable sperm in him until he is told that is the case. So in reality, he would benefit more from counselling after the fact, not beforehand. I was concerned that with this outlook the psychologist may prevent us from getting on with it, but he reassured me that he knows how to tell counsellors what they want to hear! Great. *eye roll*

I felt really good about everything after this appointment. Very positive and really ready to go again. FS told me this will work, and asked me why it will. I was saying wishy-washy things like, "It'll work because there's no reason it shouldn't". He replied, "Nope, not good enough! I'll tell you why it'll work. Your age." Apparently being only 31, with no known fertility issues myself, he feels pretty confident that I will get pregnant first go at this. So I believed it myself for a couple of days... but as time passes, more and more I am already semi-convincing myself that I still won't be pregnant by the end of the year, and I'll end up this time next year still doggedly doing IVF cycles -- that's if we can even afford it after this one! It's going to cost a lot more with Alan having procedures done too, plus as this is a new clinic I don't know 100% how much the general costs are. A lady from the facebook group goes to the same FS as me, and the prices she told me were comparable with my Perth clinic, however I am still preparing myself for a nasty surprise...

I'll endeavour to come back here soon, probably after our appointments next Thursday once I know some more facts.

Yep, that's what I thought

Confirmed negative blood test today. But I definitely didn't need the confirmation, the phone call was simply a formality.

In more positive news, Alan and I went to the GP and got referrals to our new FS in Brisbane today, AND I was able to book us an initial consult with him on Thursday next week! So we only have to wait less than a week to (hopefully) get the ball rolling again. Better than I could have hoped.

I really want to do one more cycle before the end of the year, starting in October or November. I'm hoping that we can do a cycle with TESE (where they attempt to extract sperm directly from the testes) with donor sperm as back-up in case they don't find anything. I have no idea whether they will have any donor sperm that will be ready to go though... I hear so many differing stories; people who were able to start straight away vs. people who had to wait 18+ months for a donor! I think it just depends on the clinic and what their programs are like.

Anyway, after a mini-meltdown where I was crying all over poor Alan the other night, I am so very ready to move on now. Each day is one step closer to me being able to hold my baby in my arms. :)

Feeling down (so what else is new?)

12 DPO today, and my FRER test this morning was very much negative. I know that I never expected this cycle to work, after what happened two weeks ago, but I guess some part of me must have thought that maybe a miracle could happen, because I am feeling very sad today. My final blood test is in two days, but FRERs should be at least 80% accurate by now, so I know it's all over. Alan is remaining in denial until I get my test results or my period, whichever comes first. He is so very aware that this could have possibly been his last attempt at a biological child of his own, so he wants to hang onto hope as long as possible. :(

All I want to do is start organising the transfer to my chosen clinic in Brisbane, but I can't do that til my final results are recorded at my Perth clinic. I really want to cycle again before the end of the year, but I don't know how possible that's going to be. I guess I'll have to wait and see. Just like every bloody thing in this horrible, painful process.

I so badly want to cry right now but it's only going to make me feel worse, so I will do my best to hold off. I was going to finish this post by saying "sorry for whinging", but I'm not bloody sorry at all. This whole thing is so indescribably f*cked up and unfair, I think I have every right to bitch and moan about it on my own blog. I mean, that's one of the main reasons I started it. Hopefully in many years I can show this to my future children so they can see the pain and heartbreak we went through to have them, and maybe they will appreciate us and/or themselves on a deeper level...

Been slack!

It's funny how last time I went through ICSI I was on here all the time talking about every single bloody little thing that was happening. This time I don't feel the need, as I know the routine and I'm just getting on with it. But then I realised that if I do beat the extremely low odds and have sucess this time, I'll feel guilty for not documenting things, so I thought I'd do a little update today.

So.. had my transfer last Saturday, and then late that afternoon I flew back home to Brisbane, very fortunate in that the previous day Alan had managed to change my flight from its original booking on Tuesday. Since I got home I've been taking it very easy, only leaving the apartment on three occasions (and one of them was just to take the rubbish downstairs!). The third occasion was this morning, as I needed to go to a pathology collection centre for my 7 DPO blood test, which is where they check to make sure my progesterone is high enough to sustain a pregnancy. I won't be able to call for the results until tomorrow, as they have to be processed here then faxed over to Fertility North.

Hope for success is still laughable, but there is a microscopic thread of it I suppose. Today is the day that, if he has miraculously continued to grow and develop, Horatio would be implanting. I woke up this morning with slight jabby feelings in my uterus and ovaries, and when I gently poked at my uterus it felt a tad firm and swollen. But I am on a drug called Progynova which is meant to help increase uterinal lining, so it could be because of that.

Alan and I have both lost a grandparent each in the last week or so. His grandmother in England died very very quickly after being diagnosed with spinal cancer in late August. Then only a week or two later, my own dear Pop finally succumbed to Alzheimer's and Dementia. His funeral is today in NSW, in about 15 minutes actually.. I can't be there as I had my blood test today and I'm meant to be resting as much as possible, but I am thinking of my Nanna and my Mum and everyone in the family.

Even though it's terribly fanciful, I can't help but think that if Horatio does turn into a baby, it would be awfully fitting, as he now has two great-grandparents who need "replacing" on this earth...

Horatio

UPDATE: Amazingly, our one little wriggler fertilised the egg overnight, so I now have another zygote inside me. It's name is Horatio.

Just like when this happened last time, I have zero expectations of it developing even past today (not like I will ever know, of course), but as everyone always says "it only takes one". Let's hope Horatio can beat the odds.

Lame!

Just going to copy and paste what I've posted on a couple of forums just now. Don't feel like typing it all up again with more detail, cause everything sucks and I'd rather just move on. 

Anyway:

Shitty, shitty update from me, I'm afraid. 10 eggs, 6 mature.... then just before I was discharged, the lab called to say that they'd thawed all four straws of remaining sperm, and found nothing suitable for ICSI (zero motility). They said they would call back with an update later.  On the way home I heard from them again. They'd found one wriggler. One. So they have ICSI'd one of my six mature eggs, and if it fertilises, I will have another pointless, stupid zygote transfer tomorrow. My other five eggs will be vitrified, and I will probably store them in Perth for our return in 2 years. Next step is changing to a Brisbane clinic and trying surgical extraction for Alan. The only good thing about today is that Alan managed to get my flight changed, so I am going home tomorrow. I am so excited for hugs with him and snuggles with my kitties.

Massive sook

It's 12:20am as I start writing this. I went to bed more than two hours ago and haven't been able to get anywhere close to sleep, which is why my frustration has reached breaking point. I'm currently in Perth for my second ICSI cycle. I've been here for a week and a half now, and I started jabbing Lucrin a week ago. I'm waiting for my smegging period to start before I start doing my Gonal-F jabs. More frustration. I need sleep, because I'm meant to be looking after myself to give myself the best possible chance of this working. So I am annoyed to say the least. And I've had occasional faint cramping the last couple of days, and keep going to the loo to check for spotting.. nothing. So after lying here for two hours, sleepless and after another tiny bout of cramping, I check yet again, and get the same result. 

Something snaps inside me, and suddenly I'm outright sobbing into my pillow; ugly, snotty crying, as thoughts wash over me. The frustration at the fact that stupid Lucrin delays your period right when you want it to come. The fact that every moment it stays away is another moment I have to be apart from my husband and my kitties and my home. That my stupid mind refuses to let me sleep, even though I need sleep to be as healthy as possible. How unfair it is that I should have to feel like this at all, and that Alan should also have to suffer. And then I think of the cuddle I had today with my beautiful, precious little cousin who was born on Monday, and I can't help but wonder if I will ever have my own to hold and love, nurture and raise. 

This whole thing f*cking sucks. It had better have a pay-off in the end, because I don't know how much I can take of this crap.

And now in addition to my stinging eyes and blocked nose from crying, I'm hungry. Great, that's all really going to help me sleep.

Hopefully next time I post it won't be this whingey. Thanks for reading this far if you have.

Vent

I vented on a couple of forums today, but I thought I might vent again here for the sake of permanency; that one day I would look back on this and shake my head over how silly I was being. Or maybe even how correct I ended up being, who knows??

Anyway, I'm feeling all weird about IVF/TTC at the moment. I just feel like it's never going to work, that even if we manage to have one child, we either won't want to put ourselves through hell again for another, or won't be able to conceive another. So we won't get the family that we want. Then there's another part of me that wonders if we should even have kids. I was driving home from the shops today after buying the groceries, and I was looking forward to getting some chores done at home, and it suddenly occured to me how much less enjoyable and more draining my days are going to be when I'm running around after a baby or child, dealing with all of their assorted crap. So then I'm left thinking "what if we find out we hate being parents, after paying so much and fighting so hard for it? What if we resent the disruption that we will bring to our lives?". It's a horrible thought. And then I feel really guilty about having that thought, because it's completely opposed to everything Alan and I have always wanted and planned towards. And so now I just keep going around in circles. 

I hope that my thinking like this is just a phase. Most parents would tell me that being a mum will change me and even though I might wish for peace or solitude sometimes, I would never want to go back to being childless. Logic tells me that of course this is true. But I'm still a little concerned, and quite frankly I reserve the right to be. Most people try for a baby, fall pregnant in under six months, have the baby, get on with their new life. Because IVF patients are pouring our money, time and emotion into simply trying to fall pregnant, it makes sense that we start wondering if it's even bloody worth all the heartache.

Here we go again

On Thursday I had a brief Skype appointment with my FS. It was very short, less than ten minutes, but it was basically to get her post-mortem of our May/June cycle, and find out what she wants to change for the Aug/Sept cycle. Here's what she had to say:

- She was devestated with our cycle results too. She said she finds it so frustrating when there are no fertility problems on the female side and it all comes down to MFI (insinuating that there's not much you can do differently each time in such a case).

- She reaffirmed what the embryologist said, that our massive failure was because of the terrible sperm quality; the embryologist simply chose six sperm that were "vaguely twitching", so by the sounds of things they weren't even properly motile. :(

- Two of my eggs were mature, four were slightly less mature, but she did describe them as "six beautiful eggs", so at least I can assume my egg quality is okay.

- She wants to continue with Down Reg protocol as she feels that it gives the best results. Which means I will need to be in Perth for around three weeks probably, maybe a little longer.

- She wants to increase my Gonal-F daily dosage from 125 to 225! Hello, full-abdomen feeling... I will be a lot more paranoid about the possibility of OHSS this time around.

- Last time we used one straw of July 2006 semen sample, this time we will use two straws of Aug 2006. The quality might be better or worse or the same, but at least with two straws we might have more to choose from.

- Once I get my period (which there is absolutely no sign of right now, so I am really annoyed about that!), I'm to call the clinic to confirm my start date (CD 21), then we're on our way.

I always feel more positive after talking to FS, she seems to give off a vibe that makes you feel that success is just around the corner. I really hope this time will be ours, but I know that it can take a few attempts. Alan is trying to make me be more positive because he feels it increases our chances. I'm not sure I believe that, but whatever. Personally, I think I will choose whether to be positive or not when I hear the fertilisation rates. Until then, I will be completely calm and neutral and just go through the motions.

Limbo Land

I'm settling in well here in lovely Brisbane. We are renting a beautiful new apartment, and my cats have adapted brilliantly. Still waiting on a wall to be patched up and for blinds/curtains to be installed, then I can place the last couple of pieces of furniture and unpack the last couple of boxes... hopefully this will happen soon as it's annoying me not being able to have everything looking perfect.

Alan was on the phone to my FS's rooms yesterday. They told him that I can have my follow-up appointment with FS through Skype at some stage, and that it would be possible for me to continue treatment with them if I were to fly to Perth for the two or three or so weeks I'd be taking drugs and having EPU and ET, then come back to Brisbane for the two-week-wait and have my final BT here. It might actually be worth considering, despite how inconvenient it is getting from my parents' place to the clinic and back, as I have had a rough quote from a Brisbane clinic, who said I'd be looking at paying $8000 - $12000 up front for a cycle, which is just excessive compared to what I paid in Perth. I have heard through the grapevine that my clinic have put their costs up, but I believe it will still be cheaper than here. I need to check though. And when you add on the cost of a return flight, who knows?

But it would save me from having to start all over again with a consult etc. at a new clinic.

Anyway, I've been sufficiently distracted up til now, but I'm getting anxious to try again.. Also, if we can get in a couple more attempts before the end of the year, then we will be making the most of the Medicare Safety Net before it resets next year. We "tried naturally" this month (even though we know it's in vain), cause really, it can't hurt. And miracles can happen I guess.

All over

AF is officially here, and I have gotten the definite negative result from the clinic. FML.

I don't know when the hell I'll get to have another try: first I need to get settled in Brisbane, somehow get some sort of follow-up from my current FS in Perth, change our private health provider, save up some money, get a referral for a Qld FS, get hubby's remaining frozen stuff flown over from Perth, then maybe finally get started. I have no idea how long all of this will take. I hope I get at least one more try before the end of the year, otherwise I'll be pretty upset.

Life goes on. I'm on the 7:35am flight to Brisbane tomorrow, see you on the flip side of the country. xx

Think I'm out...

Well, today was the first day I can finally say that my HPT was negative. There is still the faintest shadow of a line there, but I can only see it because I know it's there, if that makes sense. Yesterday's very faint test in comparison looks like a strong positive.

The bad thing about this is that I am now 12 days past "ovulation" (or in my case egg collection), which is when HPTs are around 80% accurate. So my chances of getting a positive in two days after a negative today is not great, to say the very least.

Additionally, my boobs have stopped hurting which can't be good, and I feel in my belly that AF is coming. A few days ago I kind of "felt pregnant"... even though I don't know how that feels. I kind of had little twingey abdominal pains and felt like my lower pelvic muscles were all tight. But that has gone now too.

Everyone on IVF forums keep telling me not to lose hope until my bloods on Friday confirm, but I would just feel too naive being hopeful right now. Besides, I'd much rather be expecting the worst and possibly getting a pleasant surprise (yeah right) than hoping for the best and getting crushing disappointment instead. Which is why I've been testing every morning this week.

Just two more days til this is all over; I can stop sticking pessaries up my arse, I can go and be with my husband in Brisbane, and I can start saving up for and getting "excited" about IVF ICSI #2.

Damn it all!!

Okay, so I tested today purely to make sure that the trigger was out of my system. I was expecting a negative test, since it's been ten days since I did the pregnyl injection, and it supposedly takes about ten days to be eliminated... but it was bloody positive. Very very very faintly, but definitely there. Which is annoying, because logic and common sense tell me that I still have pregnyl in me, and it probably would have been negative had I been more patient and tested tomorrow. But hope is persistently whispering to me that maybe, just maybe, I've finally seen my very first true positive pregnancy test. At only 8dpo... not common, but definitely not unheard of.

I will probably test tomorrow now too. I wasn't going to test again til Tuesday if I got a negative today, but now I can't wait that long to find out if it's real or just pregnyl. I cannot live with what is probably false hope for the next three days! If that faint line is gone tomorrow, I'll hold off testing until maybe Thursday if I can bear to. My BT is Friday morning, and I'd rather have an indication of what the answer will be before then. But if the line is the same or, by some amazing miracle, darker... I will probably be weeing on sticks constantly for the next few days!

Crap day

I don't really feel like writing this, but I think I need this little journal to vent somewhere other than forums, and one day it might be something worth me looking back on.

So at around 8:20 this morning I got the phone call from the embryologist. He informed me that of our six eggs, only one had fertilised overnight. Just one. He said that they selected six sperm that had motility, but that the sample was predominantly abnormal sperm which is probably why five didn't fertilise. He then told me that they had booked me in for a transfer of my one little fertilised egg this morning at 11am.

When I hung up the phone I told my husband everything, we spent the next hour or so crying together. It was just such a shocking disappointment, especially after the happiness and hope of yesterday. He ended up ringing back the embryologist to ask a couple of questions, mainly to check if all five of his straws of sperm had been used. Apparently they were under strict orders from our fertility specialist to only use one straw, so there are still four left. We are wondering if next time we can convince our specialist to let us use more... He also asked why the transfer was today rather than day 3 like it was meant to be. The embryologist said that usually they wait til day 3 so they can select the best-looking embryo for transfer, but in this case as there was only one, it was better off inside me rather than spending the weekend in the lab. I guess that's fair enough.

One of the worst things about this is that today is the day that hubby moves to Brisbane, and I was meant to be taking him to the airport and seeing him off, but now I couldn't. So I left him at home after he ordered himself a taxi, and I told him that I would try and get to the airport before he boarded once I'd finished at the clinic.

Ha, yeah right. When I got there, there were two ladies ahead of me, one of them arrived well after me which pissed me off too. I had to have a full bladder for the transfer to make it easier for them to see stuff on the ultrasound, and it was sooo painful holding it in after my egg retrieval yesterday. I actually had to ask four times if I could go and let a little bit out, which helped slightly, but the waiting for nearly an hour was absolute torture. When it was finally my turn I went in with one of my favourite nurses at the clinic, and she explained that it was pretty much going to be like a pap smear. The embryologist come in to see me, confirming my details and asking if I had any questions. I just asked him if the egg quality had been okay, as the last thing we needed was for there to problems on my side too. He said it was fine though, that it seemed to just be a sperm issue.

The fertility specialist who was doing my transfer came in. I'd never met him before but he seemed quite nice. When he said something about putting in the embryo, I said to him, "Is it even an embryo yet? Wouldn't it still be a zygote?" to which he said, "Well, now we're just splitting hairs." Hehe.

The worst part of the procedure was keeping control of my bladder while the ultrasound probe was pressing onto it, and while a doctor fiddled around "down there". They showed me what was happening on the monitor; it took me a few seconds to understand it, but I got there in the end, and witnessed "Timmy" (Alan and my joke name for our hypothetical child) being squirted into my uterus. My husband texted me just before this, as I was lying there with catheters hanging out of me, to say he was just boarding his plane, so I thought of him while it was all happening. Once we were done, I raced to the loo to finally get some sweet relief, then the nurse gave me my wonderful rectal progesterone pessaries that I need to insert morning and evening for the next two weeks. I did one when I got home, and they're not bad at all. I've been dreading them so much, but they are actually really easy to put in and once it's in properly you don't even feel it.

So now for a very long TWW (two week wait). I have blood tests on 8th June and 15th June; the first is to check my progesterone and other hormone levels, and the second is obviously my pregnancy test. I am trying to stay hopeful that we manage a miracle out of this, but really, if the sperm were that bad, I'm not expecting this little "embryo" inside me to progress past today.

One can only dream though.

Now I'm going to attempt to escape the quiet emptiness of the house by watching DVDs and eating some chocolate, even though that will probably make me feel crappier once I've finished it.

EPU done and dusted

Had my trigger on Wednesday night, and as it's basically just pure pregnancy hormone, I couldn't resist doing an HPT yesterday morning! It was awesome seeing two lines come up straight away... even if it was just from the meds. Let's hope that in a couple of weeks I get to see those two lines for real. I would be praying if I wasn't an atheist, so all I can do is hope with all my heart..

Anyway, went for my EPU this morning. The nurses and staff in the day procedures ward were all so lovely! Just after I was wheeled into the holding area beforehand, I got to meet my anaesthetic technician (I met the anaesthetist beforehand on the ward), the doctor doing my procedure (who I'd never heard of, but she was a lovely middle-aged Indian (I think??) lady), and the embryologist (a sweet young-looking Asian girl). They were so sooo nice! The embryologist went through my details with me, and explained that her colleague would call me tomorrow to let me know fertilisation rates, and inform me whether we'd likely make it to embryo transfer (ET) on Monday. At one stage she asked me, "so we're just putting back one [embryo]?", and I said yes, but I immediately wondered if I should have asked for two! Hehe. However, she was probably just clarifying what my fertility specialist had written on my paperwork, rather than offering me a choice.

The anaesthetist came and knocked me out after that, and when I came to, all I can remember is a male nurse/assistant/whatever asking me how I felt and if there was any pain. I vaguely recollect telling him I had some pain, and it was mostly rectal! Lol. I found out later after reading my post-op paperwork that they had given me pain relief as a rectal suppository while I was still out, so that may have explained it. Once they wheeled me back to the ward where Alan was waiting in my little curtained-off area, the pain started to come on really badly, but even though there was quite a bit in my abdomen, the most excruciating was in my right kidney-ish area. I made sure I told a couple of the nurses, but they didn't seem concerned, yet when I said I was about a seven on the pain scale, they brought me a pain pill with my sandwiches and tub of fruit. They also gave me water and tea, which I sorely needed after nearly twelve hours since my last mouthful of water! The pain escalated as I ate my lunch, so much that I had to keep stopping eating as I whimpered through waves of it, but after about fifteen minutes the painkiller kicked in and I started feeling really good, but very very sleepy. Alan then left as he had to file some fairly urgent paperwork at the Family Court before he leaves for Brisbane tomorrow, so I was left alone (apart from sporadic BP checks from nurses) as I dozed in and out.

Eventually the FN (fertility nurse) came to see me, and told me that they got six eggies out of me!! I was stoked, even though I was hoping for 8 - 10, because after my scan the other day, I was so scared I would only have three or so. However, she didn't specify whether all the eggs were mature (she probably wasn't even given that info yet), so fingers crossed. So now I'm playing the waiting game til tomorrow, hoping and "praying" that a decent number fertilise overnight, and that they grow and progress into little potential bubbas...

Alan took forever to get back to the hospital due to the longest wait ever at the courts; even the staff were saying it is never that bad! While I was waiting I kept dozing, and went to the loo a couple of times... I freaked out the first time because (TMI!) there was lots of blood when I wiped, and my instinctive thought was, "oh no, my period has come already!" Idiot. I should have brought liners, but for some stupid reason I never anticipated there would be bleeding.. don't mind the fact I've just had needles shoved through my vaginal walls! *rolls eyes* Anyway, I eventually woke up properly, and the nurse finally phoned Alan who said he was on his way. He rocked up ages later, and after one final pee from me, they discharged me. I was starving again and poor hubby hadn't eaten since 6am, so we got Subway on the way home. I was fully intending on then resting on the couch, but aside from quite a bit of abdominal tenderness, I actually feel quite normal, so I've just been on the computer for the last three or so hours! I may relax later and watch a movie though.. with Japanese take-out perhaps, woo! 

If anyone is reading this before tomorrow, Sat 1st June, please send me your luckiest vibes for my phone call tomorrow. I will be busy in the middle of the day taking Alan to the airport, so hopefully that will distract me a little if I haven't already heard from the clinic by then.

Full steam ahead!

Today was ultrasound and blood test day, and it was a huge success. I went to my ultrasound first, and could finally see what was going on with my ovaries. There appeared to be a lot of decent-sized follicles, but there may actually be less than what it looked like. The US tech measured everything that was over 8mm, and according to her I had "at least three that were over 17mm", which meant that I "met the criteria" to go ahead with my EPU on Friday. But she did say that they may decide to wait until Monday to give the smaller follicles a chance to grow. I was just relieved she didn't say anything about Saturday like I feared! So they don't do EPUs on Saturday, question resolved without even asking.

I then headed to the clinic for my BT, and to ask for more Gonal-F since I only had one dose left. I told the nurse what the US tech had said, so she looked at my stats which had already been entered into the system... I tried to look at her screen, and all I saw was: "1x20, 1x18, 1x12, *something*x8". So according to that, I only had two follicles measuring over 17, and I'm pretty sure the *something* was only "1" too, but I'm positive that the tech measured more than four follies! Oh well. Anyway, she agreed that I might be having EPU on Friday or failing that Monday, so she went to go and get me the trigger meds. When she came back, she said that the other nurses she was talking to agreed that I might be going in on Friday, then she demonstrated how to prepare the trigger injection and gave me my hospital admission form to take down to private reception.

When I called for my results this afternoon, apparently my E2 was 3509, and I was told to go ahead with my trigger injection tonight at 9pm exactly.. which is half an hour from now. The trigger stimulates the final maturation of the eggs so they are all ready to go for collection. On Friday I need to be at the hospital at 6:45am, and my procedure will be at 8:45. I am nervous and excited... My next big concern is how many viable eggs they can get from me (my specialist said she will not continue the cycle for only a small number of eggs), and whether my husband's frozen sperm from six years ago defrosts okay. Once I stop worrying about that, then I can stress about fertilisation rates.. it's never ending, really!

On the positive side: no more jabbing after my trigger tonight! Woo! But then I have rectal progesterone pessaries to look forward to. Ew.

First blood test

I had my first blood test today since starting the Gonal-F. My oestrogen came back at 1529; I have no idea if that's good, but I'm assuming for now that it's okay as they told me to keep injecting the same dosage. My first ultrasound will be on Wednesday morning, and I will get to see how many follicles are developing on my ovaries, and what size they are. Hopefully there are a decent amount coming along nicely! But not too many of course.

I've been trying to see if I can "feel" anything happening down there, and I think I can feel a little pressure starting to build, and some twinges. But it's really hard to tell as the imagination can play tricks on you... I know this only too well after spending the better part of two years imagining early pregnancy symptoms! *eye roll* The nurse told me this morning that I shouldn't really be feeling anything yet anyway, cause if I am that would suggest possible overstimulation, which as I've mentioned can turn out very badly.

I'm a little concerned that they may schedule my EPU for Saturday if things are going well. I don't know if they even do procedures on Saturdays at my clinic, but my husband flies to Brisbane in the middle of the day, and as well as wanting to take him to the airport and see him off, I need someone to take me to and pick me up from the hospital, and stay with me overnight to make sure I recover okay. My parents are away in York for the long weekend, so Mum's not an option... hopefully the clinic will wait until Tuesday or something, otherwise I could be in trouble...

Fine line between hope and delusion

On the two baby forums I frequent today there have been a rather large number of people getting negative pregnancy tests; both IVF patients and people TTC naturally. A few days ago there was a huge number of positive test results, which made me feel so hopeful and like I could be joining them soon, but today has knocked me back down again. It's annoying that I am supposed to be thinking positively to help my chances, but knowing deep down inside that there is a very likely possibility that I too will be seeking comfort in a few weeks for my own negative result.

Someone posted recently about a woman who has been undergoing IVF treatment now for 14 years! She apparently has just got her first BFP (Big Fat Positive, for those not in the know). I don't think I'd last half that length of time. I think I would reach a point where I would start considering a life without children (considering, not accepting; they are two very different things). But at the same time there's only so much satisfaction you can get from a pet, or travelling, or suchlike "substitutes"... Hopefully I will be a mum by this time next year, so I will never have to make that decision.

*puts back on positive thinking disguise*

Stimming has begun!

Yesterday I had my BT to make sure my hormone levels were baseline, and when I called for my results I was given the all-clear to start the stimming drugs this morning. I'm on 125iu of Gonal-F, and I'm also staying on 10iu of Lucrin, so two needles every morning. I've started getting small bruises on my belly from these jabs; so attractive.

The nurse emphasised about three times how important it was to keep my fluids up, so I've been drinking water all day, which is a challenge for me as I am not someone who naturally has the urge to drink a lot of water. However, I have noticed over the past week that I'm tending to get headaches quite easily, so maybe my body is telling me something. Drinking heaps of water and eating protein are the two main things you need to do to try and avoid getting Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS), a nasty condition that can see you get so bloated and sick that you are in a lot of pain and can't breathe properly. You can be hospitalised and it can be very serious. Hopefully I don't get anything close to that bad... it's hard on your first cycle as they don't know how you're going to respond, so they have to start you on a lowish dose, and if nothing much is developing follicle-wise, they may need to increase your dose, but then you can risk OHSS....

To cover the protein side of things, I've been making sure I eat some form of meat every day the last few days; beef, chicken, fish, tomorrow will be pork loins.. Plus I've been trying to have baked beans for brekky every second or third day, and I've bought a carton of eggs for the first time in forever so that I can have a couple of eggs this week too.

Anyway, I know that it's quite common once you start stimming to get headaches and nausea and other lovely side effects, but hopefully I don't find it too hard. Eye on the prize and all that... as long as there is a mother-flippin' prize at the end of all this.

So a week of double-jabs, then next Mon (28th May) I've got my first BT to find out how my body is responding to the drugs. Sometime that week I will probably have a scan too to see how many follicles I have growing.

I keep fluctuating between being so positive and convinced this is going to work, and then the next minute chastising myself for being so hopeful and naive. Mostly I'm just taking everything one day at a time, and trying to forget why I'm doing all of this; just doing it and getting on with life. Fortunately we are so distracted with other Brisbane-related stuff right now that the IVF/ICSI just seems like an on-the-side project. I'm sure it will seem less so in a couple of weeks though when I go through EPU and *fingers crossed* ET. Less fortunately, things are really stressful at our place right now, which is the worst thing ever for IVF, but hopefully once we've got a few more things organised I can spend more time putting my feet up and relaxing.

Hurry up AF!

Despite some cramping, still no AF... I called the clinic, as it's been ten days now that I've been jabbing Lucrin. I only have enough syringes to last me til Monday, so I'm going in tomorrow morning (Sat) to collect more and have them do a BT. I don't know if they will choose to "induce" AF, but we will see.

I'm more hopeful now than I was a few days ago. My husband has reminded me that even if our stim cycle doesn't work, hopefully (*fingers vehemently crossed*) we will have at least one or two frozen embies afterwards that we can use in FETs. I already know of someone IRL whose first cycle failed, but they got a BFP from the following FET and are now due in July with a little boy. :)

It CAN happen, and I need to keep telling myself that. This first cycle is not the be all and end all. There can be more... I just bloody hope not, unless it's to try for Number 2!

Feeling sad

I am having a rather hard day today emotionally. I'm not a sobbing mess or anything, just quite melancholy and wistful. Must be PMS onset, I suppose.

When I was half awake this morning I had a dream-y vision-y thing where I was giving birth, which of course was all quiet and idyllic and going so smoothly and was completely painless, lol. Then later I was in my hospital room looking over at the cot where my newborn baby was lying. He started crying so I got up and went to him, and just before I woke up properly I was picking him up and saying, "Are you hungry buddy?".  

I wish I was known for having prophetic dreams, but I definitely don't!

Both yesterday and today I keep wondering if it will ever be my turn, which is stupid because I'm about to start the best shot I've ever had at getting pregnant, so I should tell myself to get the hell over it for the next few weeks at least. But it's not always that simple. Yesterday on a baby forum that I frequent I clicked on a topic where someone was asking for opinions on the photo of the HPT she'd done that morning. I wish I hadn't now. The test was clearly positive and her resulting excitement made me want to scream. Especially since she mentioned she'd been trying for just two months. I'm over being happy for other people right now. I just can't do it...

On a more positive note, I'm now CD 28, so my body behaved by having a decent cycle length this time around. However, after spending the last few days willing AF away, I'm now very anxious for it to arrive, as from simply a logistical POV I really need to start my ICSI cycle ASAP so that I can get over to Brisbane ASAP!

Will I ever see two lines??

Call me naive and stupid, because I certainly am calling myself that, but I took an HPT this morning. I haven't been feeling very good all week; worse than usual insomnia, strange cramping, mild intestinal upsets, and yesterday my body temp was through the roof. I had to go and get milk this morning anyway, so I held off peeing when I got up, and got some FRERs from the shop.

Of course it was a negative. I feel so silly that I could have even entertained the notion that I could be UTD, since we know it's impossible.

The two remaining tests are in the bathroom cupboard, waiting for me to use them in around four or so weeks' time when my cycle ends. I know that fertility clinics generally don't like you to do HPTs and would rather you wait for your BT, but I am a self-confessed POAS addict, and I know that I won't be able to help myself.

Because, for the first time ever, I may actually have a chance of seeing two pink lines.

And if I don't... well, all I can say is that it's a good thing I've got this move to Brisbane to somewhat distract me.

Impatience

I just checked my menstrual calendar on my phone, and I am still only CD 24. This is going so slowly! Not that I want AF to come anytime soon, as my last couple of cycles have been around 24 - 26 days, and I'd like to have at least 27 days this time. Still jabbing away with the Lucrin.. I don't appear to be getting any side effects, which is good.

Things are getting complicated with regards to us moving to Brisbane. It looks like I will need to be here for at least a week after DH goes over there to wait for my pregnancy test, which is really inconvenient as he needs me to apartment search in Bris during the day while he's at work. But then I don't know how long I will possibly need to stay if I do happen to get a positive result, as they may want to do follow up bloods and a viability scan.. Plus I'm meant to be having a follow-up appointment with my FS if the cycle is unsuccessful, but I probably won't be able to get in until July or something, so I don't know how that's going to work.

On top of that I have to fairly urgently start packing boxes and stuff again, as we only half did the job back in January the first time we thought we were moving.

There is strong evidence to suggest that being relaxed and not stressed can help give a good result in IVF cycles. So it looks like I'm going to have to work my arse off to not stress over the next few weeks!

Straight into it..

My last post was two weeks before the wedding I think, and it's now three and a half weeks after the fact. It actually feels like at least a couple of months ago! Everything went perfectly, apart from me suffering stupid jitters at the reception which prevented me from eating or drinking. Ludicrous. But we have had so many positive comments, which is very heartening. It was all worth it in the end, and I can't wait to see some more photos; I haven't got my hands on much yet.

Anyway, we got back from our honeymoon at around 12:30am yesterday, and today, due to very fortunate circumstances, I have started my first cycle of ICSI. On Friday when we were still in the UK, I checked on my calendar to see what CD (cycle day) I was up to, and to see when CD 21 would be. My jaw dropped when I realised CD 21, the day I'm to start my drug regime, was the following Tuesday. I emailed the clinic asking if I could start with such short notice, but they didn't reply, so yesterday I called them and asked again, and after reviewing my file told me I could come in for bloods and to collect my first drug, Lucrin. FYI, Lucrin "suppresses the release of Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) and Luteinizing Hormone (LH) from the pituitary gland. This prevents spontaneous ovulation (ie release of the ripe eggs from the ovary) before ovum pick-up (OPU)." Anyway, when I went to my appointment today I was told that I may not be able to start at this time, as my cycles have been shorter and I may have needed to come in a couple of days ago. However my blood results showed the right progesterone levels, so I was given the go-ahead and gave myself my first ever injection this afternoon.

It was totally not scary, I wasn't nervous at all about the needle itself, but a little nervous about whether I was doing it the way the nurse instructed. There was no pain apart from the initial tiny pinprick, but after I'd finished it was intensely itchy and very red and there was even a small welt, which I was warned could happen. It itched for quite a while afterwards, but all cleared up now. I hope all my other drugs are this easy to administer.... I know the pessaries after my embryo transfer will be a challenge, mentally at least. I believe they are inserted rectally. Just... ew.

So there we go. If I'm successful this cycle (i.e. I respond well to the drugs, have a decent number of viable eggs collected, my husband's sperm defrosts okay, some eggs fertilise, I end up with at least one healthy 3-day-old embryo, it implants and sticks, and I don't miscarry), I will be having a late February baby. I know I shouldn't be getting my hopes up, but it's exciting and nice to have something to be positive about; I'm actually doing something now rather than just constant waiting.

Now to sit back and see if Lucrin gives me any of the possible side effects: mood swings, headaches and maybe even hot flushes. Yay!