I vented on a couple of forums today, but I thought I might vent again here for the sake of permanency; that one day I would look back on this and shake my head over how silly I was being. Or maybe even how correct I ended up being, who knows??
Anyway, I'm feeling all weird about IVF/TTC at the moment. I just feel like it's never going to work, that even if we manage to have one child, we either won't want to put ourselves through hell again for another, or won't be able to conceive another. So we won't get the family that we want. Then there's another part of me that wonders if we should even have kids. I was driving home from the shops today after buying the groceries, and I was looking forward to getting some chores done at home, and it suddenly occured to me how much less enjoyable and more draining my days are going to be when I'm running around after a baby or child, dealing with all of their assorted crap. So then I'm left thinking "what if we find out we hate being parents, after paying so much and fighting so hard for it? What if we resent the disruption that we will bring to our lives?". It's a horrible thought. And then I feel really guilty about having that thought, because it's completely opposed to everything Alan and I have always wanted and planned towards. And so now I just keep going around in circles.
I hope that my thinking like this is just a phase. Most parents would tell me that being a mum will change me and even though I might wish for peace or solitude sometimes, I would never want to go back to being childless. Logic tells me that of course this is true. But I'm still a little concerned, and quite frankly I reserve the right to be. Most people try for a baby, fall pregnant in under six months, have the baby, get on with their new life. Because IVF patients are pouring our money, time and emotion into simply trying to fall pregnant, it makes sense that we start wondering if it's even bloody worth all the heartache.
Monday 23 July 2012
Friday 13 July 2012
Here we go again
On Thursday I had a brief Skype appointment with my FS. It was very short, less than ten minutes, but it was basically to get her post-mortem of our May/June cycle, and find out what she wants to change for the Aug/Sept cycle. Here's what she had to say:
- She was devestated with our cycle results too. She said she finds it so frustrating when there are no fertility problems on the female side and it all comes down to MFI (insinuating that there's not much you can do differently each time in such a case).
- She reaffirmed what the embryologist said, that our massive failure was because of the terrible sperm quality; the embryologist simply chose six sperm that were "vaguely twitching", so by the sounds of things they weren't even properly motile. :(
- Two of my eggs were mature, four were slightly less mature, but she did describe them as "six beautiful eggs", so at least I can assume my egg quality is okay.
- She wants to continue with Down Reg protocol as she feels that it gives the best results. Which means I will need to be in Perth for around three weeks probably, maybe a little longer.
- She wants to increase my Gonal-F daily dosage from 125 to 225! Hello, full-abdomen feeling... I will be a lot more paranoid about the possibility of OHSS this time around.
- Last time we used one straw of July 2006 semen sample, this time we will use two straws of Aug 2006. The quality might be better or worse or the same, but at least with two straws we might have more to choose from.
- Once I get my period (which there is absolutely no sign of right now, so I am really annoyed about that!), I'm to call the clinic to confirm my start date (CD 21), then we're on our way.
I always feel more positive after talking to FS, she seems to give off a vibe that makes you feel that success is just around the corner. I really hope this time will be ours, but I know that it can take a few attempts. Alan is trying to make me be more positive because he feels it increases our chances. I'm not sure I believe that, but whatever. Personally, I think I will choose whether to be positive or not when I hear the fertilisation rates. Until then, I will be completely calm and neutral and just go through the motions.
- She was devestated with our cycle results too. She said she finds it so frustrating when there are no fertility problems on the female side and it all comes down to MFI (insinuating that there's not much you can do differently each time in such a case).
- She reaffirmed what the embryologist said, that our massive failure was because of the terrible sperm quality; the embryologist simply chose six sperm that were "vaguely twitching", so by the sounds of things they weren't even properly motile. :(
- Two of my eggs were mature, four were slightly less mature, but she did describe them as "six beautiful eggs", so at least I can assume my egg quality is okay.
- She wants to continue with Down Reg protocol as she feels that it gives the best results. Which means I will need to be in Perth for around three weeks probably, maybe a little longer.
- She wants to increase my Gonal-F daily dosage from 125 to 225! Hello, full-abdomen feeling... I will be a lot more paranoid about the possibility of OHSS this time around.
- Last time we used one straw of July 2006 semen sample, this time we will use two straws of Aug 2006. The quality might be better or worse or the same, but at least with two straws we might have more to choose from.
- Once I get my period (which there is absolutely no sign of right now, so I am really annoyed about that!), I'm to call the clinic to confirm my start date (CD 21), then we're on our way.
I always feel more positive after talking to FS, she seems to give off a vibe that makes you feel that success is just around the corner. I really hope this time will be ours, but I know that it can take a few attempts. Alan is trying to make me be more positive because he feels it increases our chances. I'm not sure I believe that, but whatever. Personally, I think I will choose whether to be positive or not when I hear the fertilisation rates. Until then, I will be completely calm and neutral and just go through the motions.
Tuesday 3 July 2012
Limbo Land
I'm settling in well here in lovely Brisbane. We are renting a beautiful new apartment, and my cats have adapted brilliantly. Still waiting on a wall to be patched up and for blinds/curtains to be installed, then I can place the last couple of pieces of furniture and unpack the last couple of boxes... hopefully this will happen soon as it's annoying me not being able to have everything looking perfect.
Alan was on the phone to my FS's rooms yesterday. They told him that I can have my follow-up appointment with FS through Skype at some stage, and that it would be possible for me to continue treatment with them if I were to fly to Perth for the two or three or so weeks I'd be taking drugs and having EPU and ET, then come back to Brisbane for the two-week-wait and have my final BT here. It might actually be worth considering, despite how inconvenient it is getting from my parents' place to the clinic and back, as I have had a rough quote from a Brisbane clinic, who said I'd be looking at paying $8000 - $12000 up front for a cycle, which is just excessive compared to what I paid in Perth. I have heard through the grapevine that my clinic have put their costs up, but I believe it will still be cheaper than here. I need to check though. And when you add on the cost of a return flight, who knows?
But it would save me from having to start all over again with a consult etc. at a new clinic.
Anyway, I've been sufficiently distracted up til now, but I'm getting anxious to try again.. Also, if we can get in a couple more attempts before the end of the year, then we will be making the most of the Medicare Safety Net before it resets next year. We "tried naturally" this month (even though we know it's in vain), cause really, it can't hurt. And miracles can happen I guess.
Alan was on the phone to my FS's rooms yesterday. They told him that I can have my follow-up appointment with FS through Skype at some stage, and that it would be possible for me to continue treatment with them if I were to fly to Perth for the two or three or so weeks I'd be taking drugs and having EPU and ET, then come back to Brisbane for the two-week-wait and have my final BT here. It might actually be worth considering, despite how inconvenient it is getting from my parents' place to the clinic and back, as I have had a rough quote from a Brisbane clinic, who said I'd be looking at paying $8000 - $12000 up front for a cycle, which is just excessive compared to what I paid in Perth. I have heard through the grapevine that my clinic have put their costs up, but I believe it will still be cheaper than here. I need to check though. And when you add on the cost of a return flight, who knows?
But it would save me from having to start all over again with a consult etc. at a new clinic.
Anyway, I've been sufficiently distracted up til now, but I'm getting anxious to try again.. Also, if we can get in a couple more attempts before the end of the year, then we will be making the most of the Medicare Safety Net before it resets next year. We "tried naturally" this month (even though we know it's in vain), cause really, it can't hurt. And miracles can happen I guess.
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