Full steam ahead!

Today was ultrasound and blood test day, and it was a huge success. I went to my ultrasound first, and could finally see what was going on with my ovaries. There appeared to be a lot of decent-sized follicles, but there may actually be less than what it looked like. The US tech measured everything that was over 8mm, and according to her I had "at least three that were over 17mm", which meant that I "met the criteria" to go ahead with my EPU on Friday. But she did say that they may decide to wait until Monday to give the smaller follicles a chance to grow. I was just relieved she didn't say anything about Saturday like I feared! So they don't do EPUs on Saturday, question resolved without even asking.

I then headed to the clinic for my BT, and to ask for more Gonal-F since I only had one dose left. I told the nurse what the US tech had said, so she looked at my stats which had already been entered into the system... I tried to look at her screen, and all I saw was: "1x20, 1x18, 1x12, *something*x8". So according to that, I only had two follicles measuring over 17, and I'm pretty sure the *something* was only "1" too, but I'm positive that the tech measured more than four follies! Oh well. Anyway, she agreed that I might be having EPU on Friday or failing that Monday, so she went to go and get me the trigger meds. When she came back, she said that the other nurses she was talking to agreed that I might be going in on Friday, then she demonstrated how to prepare the trigger injection and gave me my hospital admission form to take down to private reception.

When I called for my results this afternoon, apparently my E2 was 3509, and I was told to go ahead with my trigger injection tonight at 9pm exactly.. which is half an hour from now. The trigger stimulates the final maturation of the eggs so they are all ready to go for collection. On Friday I need to be at the hospital at 6:45am, and my procedure will be at 8:45. I am nervous and excited... My next big concern is how many viable eggs they can get from me (my specialist said she will not continue the cycle for only a small number of eggs), and whether my husband's frozen sperm from six years ago defrosts okay. Once I stop worrying about that, then I can stress about fertilisation rates.. it's never ending, really!

On the positive side: no more jabbing after my trigger tonight! Woo! But then I have rectal progesterone pessaries to look forward to. Ew.

First blood test

I had my first blood test today since starting the Gonal-F. My oestrogen came back at 1529; I have no idea if that's good, but I'm assuming for now that it's okay as they told me to keep injecting the same dosage. My first ultrasound will be on Wednesday morning, and I will get to see how many follicles are developing on my ovaries, and what size they are. Hopefully there are a decent amount coming along nicely! But not too many of course.

I've been trying to see if I can "feel" anything happening down there, and I think I can feel a little pressure starting to build, and some twinges. But it's really hard to tell as the imagination can play tricks on you... I know this only too well after spending the better part of two years imagining early pregnancy symptoms! *eye roll* The nurse told me this morning that I shouldn't really be feeling anything yet anyway, cause if I am that would suggest possible overstimulation, which as I've mentioned can turn out very badly.

I'm a little concerned that they may schedule my EPU for Saturday if things are going well. I don't know if they even do procedures on Saturdays at my clinic, but my husband flies to Brisbane in the middle of the day, and as well as wanting to take him to the airport and see him off, I need someone to take me to and pick me up from the hospital, and stay with me overnight to make sure I recover okay. My parents are away in York for the long weekend, so Mum's not an option... hopefully the clinic will wait until Tuesday or something, otherwise I could be in trouble...

Fine line between hope and delusion

On the two baby forums I frequent today there have been a rather large number of people getting negative pregnancy tests; both IVF patients and people TTC naturally. A few days ago there was a huge number of positive test results, which made me feel so hopeful and like I could be joining them soon, but today has knocked me back down again. It's annoying that I am supposed to be thinking positively to help my chances, but knowing deep down inside that there is a very likely possibility that I too will be seeking comfort in a few weeks for my own negative result.

Someone posted recently about a woman who has been undergoing IVF treatment now for 14 years! She apparently has just got her first BFP (Big Fat Positive, for those not in the know). I don't think I'd last half that length of time. I think I would reach a point where I would start considering a life without children (considering, not accepting; they are two very different things). But at the same time there's only so much satisfaction you can get from a pet, or travelling, or suchlike "substitutes"... Hopefully I will be a mum by this time next year, so I will never have to make that decision.

*puts back on positive thinking disguise*

Stimming has begun!

Yesterday I had my BT to make sure my hormone levels were baseline, and when I called for my results I was given the all-clear to start the stimming drugs this morning. I'm on 125iu of Gonal-F, and I'm also staying on 10iu of Lucrin, so two needles every morning. I've started getting small bruises on my belly from these jabs; so attractive.

The nurse emphasised about three times how important it was to keep my fluids up, so I've been drinking water all day, which is a challenge for me as I am not someone who naturally has the urge to drink a lot of water. However, I have noticed over the past week that I'm tending to get headaches quite easily, so maybe my body is telling me something. Drinking heaps of water and eating protein are the two main things you need to do to try and avoid getting Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS), a nasty condition that can see you get so bloated and sick that you are in a lot of pain and can't breathe properly. You can be hospitalised and it can be very serious. Hopefully I don't get anything close to that bad... it's hard on your first cycle as they don't know how you're going to respond, so they have to start you on a lowish dose, and if nothing much is developing follicle-wise, they may need to increase your dose, but then you can risk OHSS....

To cover the protein side of things, I've been making sure I eat some form of meat every day the last few days; beef, chicken, fish, tomorrow will be pork loins.. Plus I've been trying to have baked beans for brekky every second or third day, and I've bought a carton of eggs for the first time in forever so that I can have a couple of eggs this week too.

Anyway, I know that it's quite common once you start stimming to get headaches and nausea and other lovely side effects, but hopefully I don't find it too hard. Eye on the prize and all that... as long as there is a mother-flippin' prize at the end of all this.

So a week of double-jabs, then next Mon (28th May) I've got my first BT to find out how my body is responding to the drugs. Sometime that week I will probably have a scan too to see how many follicles I have growing.

I keep fluctuating between being so positive and convinced this is going to work, and then the next minute chastising myself for being so hopeful and naive. Mostly I'm just taking everything one day at a time, and trying to forget why I'm doing all of this; just doing it and getting on with life. Fortunately we are so distracted with other Brisbane-related stuff right now that the IVF/ICSI just seems like an on-the-side project. I'm sure it will seem less so in a couple of weeks though when I go through EPU and *fingers crossed* ET. Less fortunately, things are really stressful at our place right now, which is the worst thing ever for IVF, but hopefully once we've got a few more things organised I can spend more time putting my feet up and relaxing.

Hurry up AF!

Despite some cramping, still no AF... I called the clinic, as it's been ten days now that I've been jabbing Lucrin. I only have enough syringes to last me til Monday, so I'm going in tomorrow morning (Sat) to collect more and have them do a BT. I don't know if they will choose to "induce" AF, but we will see.

I'm more hopeful now than I was a few days ago. My husband has reminded me that even if our stim cycle doesn't work, hopefully (*fingers vehemently crossed*) we will have at least one or two frozen embies afterwards that we can use in FETs. I already know of someone IRL whose first cycle failed, but they got a BFP from the following FET and are now due in July with a little boy. :)

It CAN happen, and I need to keep telling myself that. This first cycle is not the be all and end all. There can be more... I just bloody hope not, unless it's to try for Number 2!

Feeling sad

I am having a rather hard day today emotionally. I'm not a sobbing mess or anything, just quite melancholy and wistful. Must be PMS onset, I suppose.

When I was half awake this morning I had a dream-y vision-y thing where I was giving birth, which of course was all quiet and idyllic and going so smoothly and was completely painless, lol. Then later I was in my hospital room looking over at the cot where my newborn baby was lying. He started crying so I got up and went to him, and just before I woke up properly I was picking him up and saying, "Are you hungry buddy?".  

I wish I was known for having prophetic dreams, but I definitely don't!

Both yesterday and today I keep wondering if it will ever be my turn, which is stupid because I'm about to start the best shot I've ever had at getting pregnant, so I should tell myself to get the hell over it for the next few weeks at least. But it's not always that simple. Yesterday on a baby forum that I frequent I clicked on a topic where someone was asking for opinions on the photo of the HPT she'd done that morning. I wish I hadn't now. The test was clearly positive and her resulting excitement made me want to scream. Especially since she mentioned she'd been trying for just two months. I'm over being happy for other people right now. I just can't do it...

On a more positive note, I'm now CD 28, so my body behaved by having a decent cycle length this time around. However, after spending the last few days willing AF away, I'm now very anxious for it to arrive, as from simply a logistical POV I really need to start my ICSI cycle ASAP so that I can get over to Brisbane ASAP!

Will I ever see two lines??

Call me naive and stupid, because I certainly am calling myself that, but I took an HPT this morning. I haven't been feeling very good all week; worse than usual insomnia, strange cramping, mild intestinal upsets, and yesterday my body temp was through the roof. I had to go and get milk this morning anyway, so I held off peeing when I got up, and got some FRERs from the shop.

Of course it was a negative. I feel so silly that I could have even entertained the notion that I could be UTD, since we know it's impossible.

The two remaining tests are in the bathroom cupboard, waiting for me to use them in around four or so weeks' time when my cycle ends. I know that fertility clinics generally don't like you to do HPTs and would rather you wait for your BT, but I am a self-confessed POAS addict, and I know that I won't be able to help myself.

Because, for the first time ever, I may actually have a chance of seeing two pink lines.

And if I don't... well, all I can say is that it's a good thing I've got this move to Brisbane to somewhat distract me.

Impatience

I just checked my menstrual calendar on my phone, and I am still only CD 24. This is going so slowly! Not that I want AF to come anytime soon, as my last couple of cycles have been around 24 - 26 days, and I'd like to have at least 27 days this time. Still jabbing away with the Lucrin.. I don't appear to be getting any side effects, which is good.

Things are getting complicated with regards to us moving to Brisbane. It looks like I will need to be here for at least a week after DH goes over there to wait for my pregnancy test, which is really inconvenient as he needs me to apartment search in Bris during the day while he's at work. But then I don't know how long I will possibly need to stay if I do happen to get a positive result, as they may want to do follow up bloods and a viability scan.. Plus I'm meant to be having a follow-up appointment with my FS if the cycle is unsuccessful, but I probably won't be able to get in until July or something, so I don't know how that's going to work.

On top of that I have to fairly urgently start packing boxes and stuff again, as we only half did the job back in January the first time we thought we were moving.

There is strong evidence to suggest that being relaxed and not stressed can help give a good result in IVF cycles. So it looks like I'm going to have to work my arse off to not stress over the next few weeks!

Straight into it..

My last post was two weeks before the wedding I think, and it's now three and a half weeks after the fact. It actually feels like at least a couple of months ago! Everything went perfectly, apart from me suffering stupid jitters at the reception which prevented me from eating or drinking. Ludicrous. But we have had so many positive comments, which is very heartening. It was all worth it in the end, and I can't wait to see some more photos; I haven't got my hands on much yet.

Anyway, we got back from our honeymoon at around 12:30am yesterday, and today, due to very fortunate circumstances, I have started my first cycle of ICSI. On Friday when we were still in the UK, I checked on my calendar to see what CD (cycle day) I was up to, and to see when CD 21 would be. My jaw dropped when I realised CD 21, the day I'm to start my drug regime, was the following Tuesday. I emailed the clinic asking if I could start with such short notice, but they didn't reply, so yesterday I called them and asked again, and after reviewing my file told me I could come in for bloods and to collect my first drug, Lucrin. FYI, Lucrin "suppresses the release of Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) and Luteinizing Hormone (LH) from the pituitary gland. This prevents spontaneous ovulation (ie release of the ripe eggs from the ovary) before ovum pick-up (OPU)." Anyway, when I went to my appointment today I was told that I may not be able to start at this time, as my cycles have been shorter and I may have needed to come in a couple of days ago. However my blood results showed the right progesterone levels, so I was given the go-ahead and gave myself my first ever injection this afternoon.

It was totally not scary, I wasn't nervous at all about the needle itself, but a little nervous about whether I was doing it the way the nurse instructed. There was no pain apart from the initial tiny pinprick, but after I'd finished it was intensely itchy and very red and there was even a small welt, which I was warned could happen. It itched for quite a while afterwards, but all cleared up now. I hope all my other drugs are this easy to administer.... I know the pessaries after my embryo transfer will be a challenge, mentally at least. I believe they are inserted rectally. Just... ew.

So there we go. If I'm successful this cycle (i.e. I respond well to the drugs, have a decent number of viable eggs collected, my husband's sperm defrosts okay, some eggs fertilise, I end up with at least one healthy 3-day-old embryo, it implants and sticks, and I don't miscarry), I will be having a late February baby. I know I shouldn't be getting my hopes up, but it's exciting and nice to have something to be positive about; I'm actually doing something now rather than just constant waiting.

Now to sit back and see if Lucrin gives me any of the possible side effects: mood swings, headaches and maybe even hot flushes. Yay!