It's 12:20am as I start writing this. I went to bed more than two hours ago and haven't been able to get anywhere close to sleep, which is why my frustration has reached breaking point. I'm currently in Perth for my second ICSI cycle. I've been here for a week and a half now, and I started jabbing Lucrin a week ago. I'm waiting for my smegging period to start before I start doing my Gonal-F jabs. More frustration. I need sleep, because I'm meant to be looking after myself to give myself the best possible chance of this working. So I am annoyed to say the least. And I've had occasional faint cramping the last couple of days, and keep going to the loo to check for spotting.. nothing. So after lying here for two hours, sleepless and after another tiny bout of cramping, I check yet again, and get the same result.
Something snaps inside me, and suddenly I'm outright sobbing into my pillow; ugly, snotty crying, as thoughts wash over me. The frustration at the fact that stupid Lucrin delays your period right when you want it to come. The fact that every moment it stays away is another moment I have to be apart from my husband and my kitties and my home. That my stupid mind refuses to let me sleep, even though I need sleep to be as healthy as possible. How unfair it is that I should have to feel like this at all, and that Alan should also have to suffer. And then I think of the cuddle I had today with my beautiful, precious little cousin who was born on Monday, and I can't help but wonder if I will ever have my own to hold and love, nurture and raise.
This whole thing f*cking sucks. It had better have a pay-off in the end, because I don't know how much I can take of this crap.
And now in addition to my stinging eyes and blocked nose from crying, I'm hungry. Great, that's all really going to help me sleep.
Hopefully next time I post it won't be this whingey. Thanks for reading this far if you have.
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